Updated: Jul 11
I received a question from a woman in my Facebook group. Below I give my reply.
"I don’t like oral sex, what can I do to enjoy it?"
Our biggest road block to our pleasure can be our brain. Below are some suggestions based on what I see with women mainly. We would need to fully explore many areas to understand what are your blockages, but I’ll go through some of the main ones. You take what’s useful and discard the rest. The questions are for your reflection and you may want to keep them to journal or explore over a period of time.
Women often have a lot of conditioning around pleasure that it is dangerous, slutty, we will be abandoned, banned from the community, etc - coming from religious, social, familial conditioning. A woman in her sexual pleasure, for centuries has been considered in some way ‘dangerous’. Working to overcome any conditioning you might have is a good step forward. You may not know what conditioning you have, as it can be so ingrained and a part of us that the best place to look is ‘how am I judging that woman who is in her full expression of sexuality or pleasure’ - and that will be a start for exploration!
Secondly, to feel pleasure we need to be fully connected in our bodies and not our heads. At the beginning of love-making if you struggle to be fully present and in your body (and if you have no health conditions or pregnancy which can affect you check with your physician), fire-breathing which is 20 short inhales through the nose and exhales out of the mouth (looking to do at least 2 inhales and exhales a second if possible), at the end of the 20 take a breath, hold the breath until you feel your body requesting air. While holding the breath feeling the heart and chest expanding. Return to 20 fire breaths and this time fully exhale and feel into your pussy/yoni until you need to take a breath. Then returning to a slower pace, breathing in and out of your nose in rhythm with your partner.
When your partner touches you, taking the inhale to the sensations and the touch and on the exhale and sounding and moving so the energy of the touch is moved through the body.
Dancing and moving your hips is a great way to activate sexual energy. Dancing nude and enjoying your body awakens your sexuality and sexual energy
What is your relationship like with your pussy/yoni? Have you ever looked at her? Do you have discomfort around her touch or taste? The invitation is to create a new relationship with her by looking at her daily in the mirror and paying her compliments. You can also get your partner in on this too and invite him to pussy/yoni gaze and to express all the things he loves about her.
How is your general approach to sex? Is it goal-oriented as in get to orgasm asap so my partner feels that he’s a good lover? Or are you fully enjoying yourself, in the moment, enjoying the pleasure and bliss your body is experiencing? The invitation here is to do a pleasure mapping exercise where you completely relearn each other’s bodies by trying different touch, pressure, etc and invite each other by encouraging them to try different touches in different places and letting them know what works.
How good are your boundaries? Do you feel during sex you can ask your partner to do things differently or are you worried about hurting their ego? Do you agree to things because it’s a ‘fuck yes’ or is it ‘I’ll say yes to this to get it over and done with’. Are you asking for what you want and how you want it?
These are just some reflections that have come to mind. You know yourself best so I invite you to trust what your body is communicating to you. She is always communicating, sometimes we just need to be listening a little better.
Much love to you!
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at email@example.com.