Updated: Jul 11, 2022
We can often feel unsure of what we are experiencing in the bedroom is normal or how to even begin to overcome sexual issues. Who do we turn to? Where is the support? A woman recently wrote about her concern for her libido and the pain she experiences from penetrative sex. After reading her question, you can find my reply below.
"I am 26 and in a new relationship with a man and never felt so in love before. He is the first man I have been intimate with and I am not currently enjoying it. When I spoke to a friend she told me that most women can't orgasm through penetration and I should look to concentrate on other ways of being stimulated.
It seems my libido is low or possibly I've lost it. When I think of my partner or anyone else for that matter I don't feel aroused. I'm finding it frustrating that I am not interested and that I don't seem to want to be intimate. My partner is encouraging me that we need to work on it but that he isn't pressuring me. But I do still feel pressured, not just from him but pressure from myself. I have never had a low libido before and even when I've been through times of stress my libido has been fine.
The times we have been intimate we have had to stop because of pain from vaginismus. I used to be able to move orgasms through my body don't feel able to do that now. I don't experience pain or need lube when using wands and also I can orgasm internally.
On a side note, I'm wondering if he is suffering from premature ejaculation because he finishes suddenly. I have tried talking to him about it but he was defensive but I recognise that this could have been my approach."
It is true that most women don’t orgasm through penetration alone although that isn’t because of a physical problem it’s more because the vulnerability we need to access in a g-spot orgasm means most of us are not able to fully relax into it. Many women need to go through a dearmoring process first to be able to find sensitivity in their g-spot. The fact that you can orgasm from penetration when using a wand and not with a partner is likely an indication of how able you are to relax and surrender into sex with your partner.
Having a low libido can come from not experiencing pleasure. If pleasure and sex doesn’t feel good, it will affect how much you want it, this is really normal. So for this reason, my invitation is to return to pleasure.
Vaginismus is most often our body’s way of protecting us from a potential perceived threat. So learning to tune into your pussy and asking her when she feels ready to be penetrated by fingers or a wand.
There are so many ways to experience pleasure in our bodies and creating a space where your body feels safe to relax seems really important right now. I think in Western society we tend to only view ‘real’ sex as penis in vagina but there are so many other ways to create intimacy in the bedroom and access pleasure. I’m wondering how it might feel to take penis in vagina sex off the table for a while?
How does it feel to concentrate on possibly clitoral stimulation and for him to use his fingers and also if your pussy consents, a wand? the option here is to build up trust so that you can continuously return to asking your vagina if she wants penetration and honouring that.
I think language is important here too. That you aren’t ‘working’ on it which sounds laborious, but instead exploring and going on an adventure to understand each other’s bodies, so for this reason pleasure mapping may be a good place to start.
You mention the movement of orgasms, if you are struggling to be in your body and enjoying pleasure then it makes sense that you are not able to connect to your orgasms in the same way. I believe that once you start working through all the above you will begin to feel your orgasms again.
Re your partner, the average time it takes to ejaculate is around 5 minutes from time of penetration. So not long at all. It's really important to be mindful of how you talk about this as it could potentially create for him an issue around performance anxiety which could exacerbate the situation and potentially create a problem that isn't already there.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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