At the beginning of summer I said I was going to take a couple of weeks off from my blog posts on social media. Childcare had fallen through and I didn’t have time to fit everything in.
In the end I ended up taking off the whole summer.
And I learnt so much.
Slowing down to almost a stop I had time to spend with my family and especially my children.
I had time to read books which inspired me and as part of my course I was receiving coaching as well as giving it.
My goal was ‘to unapologetically express my authentic sexual self’.
The reason being, if I was going to be a coach in sex, love and relationships, I sort of needed to be more comfortable with my own expression of sexuality.
Up until the summer, a lot of my self-development work had been around unpacking lots of behaviours and patterns which were affecting how I saw myself and also how I interacted with others. I have become consciously secure from anxious attachment; learnt to set boundaries; release relationships that no longer serve me; trust the decisions I make; allow myself to go with the flow instead of overplaying for the worst case scenario; accepting myself for who I am and tenderly loving all of the parts of me which are ‘clumsy’ socially; accepting that I’m not perfect and that I don’t need to be… and much more.
What the coaching brought up for me was something a little different. The element of being ‘seen’. For expressing my true self.
To keep and hold onto relationships I had spent so much of my life being a chameleon, liking things and saying things to try and ‘fit in’. To be accepted. To belong. To be loved. I had spent do much time doing that, I had in fact forgotten who I actually was.
The summer has been that self-discovery.
And it’s been with small things. After reading Mama Gena’s ‘Pussy: A Reclamation’, I bought myself a hand mirror. Twice a day I connect to my femininity, my power as a woman and I say hello to my pussy ‘hello gorgeous’. For those of you just discovering the group, this is going to sound a bit odd, so I invite you to read the post where I talk about my journey in my training to be a sex, love and relationship coach.
When deciding to buy a raincoat I had the option of dark blue and yellow. I love the colour of yellow. The vibrancy, the joy, I caught myself selecting the blue. The dark colour. The colour that blends in and disappears into the background. It had become ingrained in me to not stand out. To not be too noticeable. In case I upset anyone. In case I made others feel discomfort. I bought the yellow then spent the next few days before it arrived wondering if I’d done the right thing. A comment from a family member ‘that coat’s bright’. My reply ‘I want to be seen.’
Next up was shoes. In my 20s I’d had a pair of cowboy boots. When I moved to Italy, wanting to fit in, I had completely changed my ‘look’ to a simple ‘classic’ one. Again, blending in, not wanting to stand out. So over the summer I got myself some cowboy boots. And boy did I miss having them. Versatile and all weather footwear.
I decided as per Mama Gena’s recommendation, to wear make up when I wanted to and to wear clothes everyday which make me feel good. So I threw out clothes for recycling that had holes. Every day I decided to choose an outfit which brought me joy - even if I was staying home that day. I started to feel good about myself.
I meditate 20 minutes every morning and into my routine I began dancing naked in my bedroom (box against the door without the risk of being interrupted by my family. I’m still working on being seen!) I have never really had any body issues but I have felt uncomfortable being in my own skin. From bullying at high school I had learnt to change my posture and slink into the background to not get noticed. So moving around naked and dancing initially felt VERY vulnerable. After a few weeks (and it was a few weeks), I now move with more ease around the bedroom in all my nakedness with a sense of freedom, and dare I say it - power!
With my children I got silly. I allowed my inner-child to have some fun. So jumping in the waves in a cold sea. Fighting monsters. Taking the lid off the pan while making popcorn! Being Cottontail (a rabbit from Beatrix Potter). I stopped worrying what an adult ‘should’ do and did what I thought would be fun.
I began giving other women more compliments; friends, strangers, buying small gifts… it felt good to begin to share the love.
So what have I learnt?
That shining my light doesn’t mean dimming the light of other women.
Shining my light is giving other women permission to shine theirs.
When you take time to love yourself, you want to share that love with other women.
With my new found sense of joy and radiance from this summer’s journey of ‘self-discovery’, mixed with the uncomfortable and challenging healing work I’ve been doing over the last couple of years, it has put me in a position to better support women in every area of their lives.
To heal, and also to step into celebration - of themselves and other women.
Let me know in the comments… How are you shining your light? What areas in your life are you learning to be ‘seen’? Where have you been holding yourself back? What do you find difficult about ‘shining’?
So what to do next?
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Feeling the desire to step out and shine your light? To be the beacon for other women? Working through the blocks and conditioning you can step out as your authentic self. She is waiting for you! To organise. your free discovery call send me an email at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
