I wanted to be that mum who was a conscious parent. Who nurtured independence for her children but who also had time for them.
On the outside, to onlookers, that’s what I was doing. But if you could see inside my mind you would have seen something different.
My mind was racing constantly, about the past.
Something that happened that upset me.
How I should have reacted differently in a situation and replaying in my head what could have been said/done differently and how the outcome could have been.
Although physically present for my children and spending all my time with them (we home educate), I wasn’t mentally present.
I sometimes got stuck in the future too.
Clinging onto a time when ‘things will be better’.
I will be able do X when Y happens.
The narrative was endless. Past or future but never present.
When I started my healing journey I began to realise this pattern. Listening to my ego I became aware of where my ‘mind time’ was. It was a shock to me. I hadn’t realised how much I was ruminating or dreaming and not living.
When lockdown started the first time round in the UK, I began to commit to being more present with my children. Watching them, taking them in. Watching how they interacted with each other. Slowing down. I do this now, make time for them that isn’t education related or behaviour guidance, or asking something of them. I make time for just being with them, without agenda. For myself and mindfulness but also for them.
It is an effort for me to do. It’s a commitment. I’m naturally a thinker. I analyse everything. I question. I want to understand. I don’t see that as a bad thing. It’s a good quality to have. However, now I try to channel it in a different way and don’t allow it to distract me from the present. I try to focus on what’s happening now. Take it all in. I’ll be honest, I have to work hard and remind myself and dedicate time to just being. It definitely doesn’t come naturally. If I find myself slipping into old habits I show compassion for myself instead of getting into the ‘I’m failing’ narrative. I take a breath, acknowledge that I’m trying and that’s what is important.
Because the time right now that we’re living in we don’t get it back.
Compassionate presence, I invite you to try it.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.