Updated: Jul 11
I’m frequently asked on podcasts, why did you choose coaching?
I chose coaching because I was looking to support people in moving forward in their lives.
I had spent much of my own life looking back. Self-diagnosing and trying to understand why I behaved the way that I did. When I became a parent it became even more apparent how our childhoods can shape the people that we are. I was putting myself at the centre of a world that was obviously conspiring against me. I was trapped and stuck.
I continued to talk about certain situations from my past and how they affected the person I was. How treatment from a caregiver can affect your attachment style. I got really good at being able to see other people’s behaviour and understanding what would have happened to them in their past for them to act in the way that they did now.
The problem was it kept me stuck in past. Rehashing old wounds. Resurfacing the pain.
Each time I looked backwards I was reminded of how the pain felt, the loneliness. Resentment for how things could have been different. Comparison to others who seemed so much more able to cope with life than I could.
So when I was introduced to concepts such as ego work, inner-child work, boundaries, mindfulness, parts work, etc it really gave me the opportunity to take those labels that I had given myself and begin to pick at them from the edges, peeling them away slowly to reveal something deeper, something more authentic underneath.
Imagining what my life could be like, how I could feel, the potential for pleasure and seeing that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel gave me hope to a different future.
Instead, I began looking at those around me who seemed so much more comfortable in their own skin, who had boundaries, who were self-aware. I saw them and it became clear that actually, that is something that’s attainable to me. Speaking to those people, hearing about their journeys it became clear that they were the ones who had CHOSEN to move in a different direction. They had CHOSEN that they wanted a different life, and in fact they DESERVED that life.
I was asked on a podcast recently, ‘How can we help someone with anxiety?’ I had been talking about my own personal struggle with anxiety that I had come through. My reply was that we can’t really. We can be there to empathise with their situation, listen if they need us to but really, if they are going to change, they are going to have to CHOOSE to change. Either they realise it’s possible or they hit rock bottom before something in them awakens and they decide enough is enough.
Which is why I like coaching.
We’re looking forward. For sure, there will be painful points from the past that come up. When doing parts work there’s always the realisation that a part of you broke away from your authentic self to create a piece to protect you from repeating the same situations and the same pain. And the beauty is in accepting that part of us, how its intention to keep us safe did very much serve us at that time, and how very grateful that we are that it did show up.
But do we need to allow that part to continue to make the decisions, to lead the way? No! We find the part of us that wants the desire or goal. That knows we can achieve it. We empower that part of us to be the one that we embody to reach our goals and desires. We give them the lead in moving forward. We embody that part and really feel we are becoming that piece. Knowing that we can call upon it anytime there is a challenge.
Will the old part which kept us stuck still show up? For sure it will, it won't go away, but we just send it some love, thank it for wanting to show us support and call upon the empowered piece.
So my invitation to you is, how can you lovingly accept your past and leave it where it is? How can you be more mindful of the present that you are in? What goals and desires would you like to create for yourself moving forward?
And at that point you are choosing. Choosing to create a new narrative. Choosing the direction of your future.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.