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How Being A Victim Held Me Back

Updated: Jul 11, 2022

I was a victim of bullying.

I was a victim of psychologically abusive relationships.

I was a victim of a system which favours men.

I was a victim of my past.

I wasn’t seen, I wasn’t considered, I was lonely.

I was a victim.

And now let’s be honest about what that meant.

I was a victim and I was toxic.

I was toxic because my mood swings affected those around me.

I was toxic because my negativity kept others down.

I was toxic because I couldn’t place boundaries or respect others’.

I was toxic because others didn’t know how to behave around me and walked on eggshells.

I was toxic because my jealousy of other people meant I was hyper-critical.

My heart pounds with admitting that.

But it’s true, victimhood can create a toxic environment.

And I was so comfortable being that victim.

It’s difficult to admit, but I had to do some real honest self-inquiry to the depths and shadows to reveal that.

Being the victim. Staying small. Being the righteous person in a cruel world. Being the one who was so misunderstood. Being the one who deserved but never got…

I felt comfortable in this image and the reality I allowed myself to be a part of.

I could avoid taking responsibility for myself. I didn’t need to look at my behaviours and how they could influence others. I didn’t need to look at myself. I didn’t need to change. I was the one being mistreated and I was the victim of that. It was easy to point the finger at my past and those around me.

I just took a situation that had worked against me and used it to keep myself in victimhood.

The identity of victim was so strong.

Then one day, when I could no longer live anymore with the reactive nervous system, anxiety and loneliness, I made a different choice.

I chose not to be a victim anymore.

I chose to have a better life for myself.

I chose self-worth and self-respect.

I chose to be worthy of love and acceptance.

I chose friends that are good for me.

I chose to heal my past so that I could be empowered right now to create my future and no longer be the victim of it.

I chose to no longer be a victim.

Empowerment means no longer accepting being the victim.

So if you’re reading this I invite you to be honest with yourself. Look where you need to change. Then you can make the choice too.

You can stop your past from influencing your future.

So take a moment to think and ask yourself…

‘Where am I playing victim in my life?’

Are you brave enough to face it and remove that identity?

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at


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