I know a lot of people don’t like to ‘make excuses’ for another person’s behaviour.
Many of us struggle to show compassion when someone does something wrong to us, especially when we feel that they did it on purpose.
I used to feel like that often. When I’m in a particularly stressful situation and my ego jumps in without me being aware or recognising its grand entry, I will automatically slip into that familiar thought pattern.
That someone is doing me wrong.
That they should know better.
That they aren’t considering my needs.
That they are being selfish.
When I’m in a place where I can observe what’s going on rather than be involved in it, I can hear the thoughts begin. I then look at what the other person’s behaviour is saying about them, their day, their childhood wounds, how they feel about themselves.
No matter what a person does, or how they behave, it isn’t a reflection of you and your worth, it is a reflection of how they see the world, their place in it and their own sense of self worth.
Whether it’s…
A rude comment.
A lack of reply.
Abusive behaviour.
Being ignored or forgotten…
Their behaviour is their story. Their wounding.
We were shaped by our childhood and our past. What we can choose to do is no longer let that shape our future.
Acknowledging this in ourselves gives us the space to acknowledge it in others. Although it may feel like ‘excusing’ them, what you are doing is giving them the opportunity to make a choice and change. And what you are doing for you is not taking it personally.
Their behaviour is their responsibility not yours.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.