Updated: Jul 11, 2022
When I started on the healing path, I started reframing other people’s behaviour.
Behaviour that I once accepted as normal.
Behaviour that I once took the blame for myself because I thought I was too much or not enough.
Behaviour that would appeal to my ego stories of my own self-worth.
Behaviour that would affect the rest of my day.
Behaviour that would induce shame.
Behaviour that would induce guilt.
When I first started my healing journey, I became aware of my reactions to situations and why particular feelings and emotions were arising. I began to understand the story that was behind it. The childhood wounding. How I was repeating patterns of thought and action that kept me in a place of guilt and lack of self-worth. How I was attracting people and situations in my life that kept me stuck.
Learning about my own patterns and wounding led me to see what was happening to other people. If I disagreed with someone’s opinion and they were upset, I understood they had felt it as a personal attack on them, on their identity. I began to understand that their reaction was more how they felt about themselves.
When I placed boundaries, how other people’s need to feel loved by controlling me triggered their sense of not feeling loved or not being enough.
This isn’t an excuse for their behaviour. It isn’t justification. It is just acknowledging that the person is acting on subconscious patterning that they themselves are not even aware of. Having compassion for their pain and suffering.
Initially, seeing their pain I wanted to help them see for themselves exactly what was happening. I wanted them to recognise their own potential to heal. I grew to learn that the healing journey is a painful once. Painful because it brings up feelings and emotions we have kept hidden, that we have denied. Painful because I started to feel alone. A lot of the relationships I had had were not in alignment with who I was becoming. Those who are choosing not to heal are choosing not to go through the pain.
They will choose to do the inner-work. It isn’t me or anyone else who can lead them there. They need to make that decision for themselves.
I am still on my healing journey and there are times even now when other people’s behaviour, especially when derogatory or belittling to another human being, I will allow it to affect me. I will become angry or inflamed. But once I regulate my nervous system and come back to present, I just see in them fear and pain. Fear of not being loved. Pain because their inner-child is not being seen.
The only thing I can do is be compassionate to their wounds while respecting my boundaries.
They are responsible for their own reactions.
They are responsible for their own behaviours.
They are responsible for their own healing.
I am responsible for myself.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.