The Men Who Objectify Women (& The Wounded Boy Within)
- Carla Crivaro
- Apr 13
- 14 min read
A couple of weeks ago I reintroduced myself across my media - socials and newsletters. What happened next I wasn’t expecting.
When I woke up the next day requests for connections had grown to 100 and continued throughout the day.
The photo that did it was this one.
An introduction to my work and the importance of it had become a source of objectification. Initially I felt frustrated that my work had been devalued. Then I felt naive for not having realised that the photo would of course get that attention due to the position of my body. When I look at the photo I remember the fun I had shooting various images that day. My desire had been to go all in, show my full authentic, fun and sexy self to inspire women to come and join me.
I had completely missed how this would be received by some men.
Part of me then began considering and doubting whether I should be posting my photos from my brand shoot. I don’t want that leaky attention.
But, that’s the whole point of my work - show up authentically, even when people misunderstand you.
The whole situation though did spur me on to write this article.
I have been meaning to write it for a while. It’s come up in discussion with male colleagues and when I did my Vipassana meditation course back in November the clarity around the wounds became super crystal clear.
At the Vipassana meditation course due to the quietness and stillness of those 10 days I began to feel men and their hurt little boy with a depth and embodied understanding that I had ever done.
I really saw and felt their pain and how that pain has been projected out to the women in their lives perpetuating patriarchal systems.
It became absolutely transparent for me why men sexually harass women, why they feel threatened by a woman earning more than them, why there is misogyny and why there is a current crisis in masculinity, to name just a few. What I am about to share isn’t the sole reason for it, but it’s a large contribution, and as I write, it will become so much clearer to you too.
I want to start by helping you understand what I mean when I use the term ‘objectify’. Most of us when we think of men who objectify women, we are normally talking about the sexual element of objectification. This is a small part of it, but what it actually means is to make a woman into an object. It’s creating a disconnect from her humanity. It’s placing her as ‘less than’, ‘outside’, different’.
I want to share with you how these men do it and what is going on for them. I offer this insight with compassion. It’s not to make men ‘wrong’. It’s to show them where and how they are disconnected from themselves and as a beginning to understanding why they are struggling so much with women in relationships and sexually. Their confusion around women, their needs and why they very often will feel not good enough.
These men will struggle to have deep intimate relationships with women as they outsource their unmet childhood needs onto the women around them. They have a sense of almost entitlement to being ‘mothered’ and cared for. They are transactional in their interactions with women. Look for external validation because they are searching for that female validation that they never got from the woman they wanted it from most - their mother.
They are the men who are most likely to cheat because no matter how much a woman shows up for them, the insatiate deep longing within them never gets fully met until they choose to do the deep healing work.
They are the men who struggle to see a woman as a whole human being - more likely to see her either as the Madonna or the whore. They will likely have both a huge lust and desire for sex, porn, the female body (the whore) and at the same time place other women such as friends, sisters and their own mother as almost saintly, untouchable, pure (the Madonna).
If they have daughters they will find it difficult to acknowledge her sexuality and see themselves as the gatekeeper because unconsciously their own shadowy relationship to female sexuality is unintegrated and so they project their own disconnection onto their daughters, fearing the men who interact with them are deep down like them too.
They see other men generally as predators because of the predator within them. What they will then do with that predator energy, because it is so strong within them and uncontrollable, they are the sort of men that will feel entitled to sex with a woman based on how she dresses and acts. And he will be more likely someone who victim blames a woman who is sexually harassed or assaulted, putting the onus on her because of his own unintegrated shadow in this area. They will often see a man who has not yet been found guilty of sexual assault (maybe it’s still in the court system or they’ve been accused) and see them as a victim and find it difficult to be objective - the woman becomes the villain.
These men will struggle to support women’s rights and feminism and will generally find that it’s an ‘either/or’ argument. They won’t see the benefit of women feeling empowered and being able to move through the world more safely and with the same choices and freedoms, because they fear that in giving women something, it takes from them. They see power as one over the other rather than a relationship with both people in their power actually forming a strong bond and relationship. They see power as a struggle, a battle to be won.
And this shows up at a micro level too as they will be men who struggle to give fully from their heart. When they do give it’s from a murky place of people-pleasing to get validation. To get recognition. It isn’t a clean exchange. They build up resentment and then much of what they do offer becomes transactional. An expectation of what they can get in return.
With a female line manager they will either see her as a mother figure and overshare or, they may chase and seek her attention and praise as they unconsciously do their mother.
They see all women as either the role of mother or seductress - affecting their ability to have deep relationships particularly romantically. The female friends they do have will be sources of emotional unloading as they trigger her ‘mothering’ role in the relationship. He will attract female friends that ‘emotionally caretake’ in a way his mother didn’t.
They tend to be men that want to have control over money or struggle to be able to recognise the value that women put in at home or in the workplace. They are more likely to view women as gold diggers, out to get something from them. They will be more inclined to ensure that there is 50/50 split when it comes to money and finances but not seeing that their partner does more in the house than them, devaluing her work in the home.
They can be over focused on how women look, dress and what they wear. They unconsciously see women through a leaky male gaze and this is where most of us understand the term ‘objectification’ when it comes to men. The staring, the interaction with women from a place of sexual interest that isn’t consensual or honest. I write about leaky sexual energy here. The focus is on how attractive a woman is and it’s those traits they can over focus on, rather than what attributes she brings in other ways - particularly for romantic partners or women that aren’t in the ‘mothering’ friendship role.
When they speak to women and make initial introductions with them it’s often from a place of validation - a ‘mothering’ role and sharing parts of themselves to receive nurturing and validation, or flirty, to receive validation sexually that they are attractive/worthy of attention.
While putting together this article I decided to take a look and see if, regarding sex, there was maybe a hormonal or scientific reason why these men use sex for connection or emotional regulation. What I found was that when boys aren’t given enough skin to skin as babies and toddlers, because there was (in some cases there is still the belief) that boys don’t need it as much, their cortisol stays high and can keep them in a fight or flight response which can explain why these men can struggle with anger outbursts. They often weren’t soothed as crying or angry babies or children and so haven’t learnt how to soothe themselves. Sex then becomes a replacement of the unmet need for touch. Sex is a way to feel close without risking emotional vulnerability and it gives the temporary hit of oxytocin.
For these men, sex is used to regulate shame, fear and loneliness. The problem is because they haven’t addressed the core wound, the urge to have the oxytocin hit returns in an insatiable way and it can be compulsive and self-destructive. There is this need of ‘if I get her to want me, I’ll finally be enough’, but this is the undercurrent of the wound needing to be addressed because he felt unwanted, unseen or unworthy by his own mother.
These men will feel uncomfortable with female sexual empowerment. Women who have clear boundaries and self-awareness can frustrate these men because they are relying on approval or dominance for validation. They feel overwhelmed by a woman’s sexuality and/or inadequate - triggering the low self-worth wound. For them sex has to be earned or that it is owed to them, due to a sense of entitlement. If a woman doesn’t need a man for sex it challenges their view - again, it’s transactional rather than an opportunity for fulfilment or connection, it becomes a source of ‘what can I get’ or ‘how can I get affection through sex’.
Because women are seen like objects they are the men who will speak about women as such. They will see women more as possessions or someone to be conquered (think notches on the bedpost). They will more likely make sexist jokes, down play women’s issues and when someone calls them out on this they will deflect with ‘it’s only banter’ and that they’re ‘joking’. In more extreme situations they may double down on this and emphasise these things to be true. Deep down these men feel inferior so they make themselves feel more superior by putting others down.
When it comes to having children because the ‘mothering’ role has moved from them to their child they can end up feeling resentment either to the baby or to their partner because they feel isolated and lonely. I share more about how men struggle in parenthood here in The Forgotten Father. This is why it isn’t unusual for men to cheat while their partner is pregnant or while their child or baby is young. The reduction in attention because it’s now focused on baby means they go looking for it elsewhere. Dating apps, exchanging messages for validation, interacting with women on social media, flirting with work colleagues… all are a bid for connection and attention instead of doing that for their own wounded inner-boy within.
When it comes to having daughters, if their inner-child and mother wounds are not integrated, as their daughter grows up and brings home young women, it can create a disconnect in his relationship with her. The daughter can see and feel with her own animal body the sexual objectification of women by how he begins to act differently around attractive friends or ones that dress with low cut tops, short dresses, tight clothes. Their daughter can feel the leakiness of this energy which can feel predatory. She notices how her father speaks to and treats women which creates for her an unconscious understanding that her worth as a woman is connected to how she looks and she is there to gain the attention of men.
Deep down these men feel powerless, unseen, have low self-worth, feel isolated (at a deep level, they may be surrounded by ‘friends’ but have a deep sense of lack), needy - their inner little boy is driving much of their actions, decisions and choices.
Their unmet needs are projected onto the women around them with a residue of entitlement due to the bitterness of not feeling fully seen by their mothers. These men will say they have a great mum and protect her at all costs until they are ready to do the work.
They will likely have what they perceive as a close relationship to their own mother. Underneath they are constantly looking for validation. To be seen. Sharing their lives and successes in the hope that she may tell them ‘well done’, ‘you are good enough’. But the painful thing is that they keep going back in the hope of being fully seen and it never happens.
They may not fully realise this is happening for them and will often be defensive about their mothers because acknowledging the truth of how their mum didn’t meet them is just too painful to address.
So to protect themselves from that they project those shadow feelings and pain onto other women in their lives.
They will choose partners who trigger even deeper these wounds.
An avoidant partner who can’t offer the full love and attention he needs, this relationship itself is almost a mirror of his relationship to his mother. She is there but not fully emotionally present. She can’t fully lean into the relationship which leaves him feeling isolated and lonely.
An anxious partner, one who asks for needs to be met and invites him to show up more will trigger his ‘not good enough’ wounds. Anxious partners tend to require more co-regulation and emotional support than an avoidant partner and this will create a spiral for him as he is cannot meet others in their emotional needs.
These men expect to be held emotionally by the women in their lives and in particular their partners and because he hasn’t learnt to be with his own emotions or to regulate his emotions he then is unable to offer the same to her. He has little to no capacity for her emotional needs and safety. He will often try to put it off as it ‘isn’t the right time’ or she is ‘too much’. He will feel underneath that he isn’t good enough because deep down he sees that he is not able to meet her needs.
These men tend to have more emotionally immature coping mechanisms in times of stress or conflict. This can look like being dismissive, passive aggression, minimising… I have written an article here which goes into greater detail around emotional immaturity. The reason these tactics are used are because they were often the ones he used as a little boy to be seen, to protect himself or to get closeness or connection. He will struggle with emotional responsibility and his partner is the one that he will expect to emotionally regulate him.
These men are so focused on what they have missing/not enough of that they can’t see that others need it too. When they do step in it’s a people-pleasing or rescuer role because of the desire to be seen.
Women are there for them.
Due to insecurity, things that attracted him initially to his partner are the things he puts his partner down for because he feels threatened that he might lose her. He wants her to feel smaller so that doesn’t feel less than. He controls her to feel more comfortable in himself.
These men feel threatened by their partner’s independence. They become insecure or jealous when she focuses on her own goals, friendships or need for autonomy and space, because he fears it takes attention away from him or leaves him feeling the rejection he felt from his mother when he didn’t feel a priority in her life, and is now looking to have those unmet needs in his relationships.
These men may start off in the relationship putting in the effort and carrying some of the weight but once you are an established couple the planning and initiating connection reduces and his partner may see that the relationship starts falling apart because he is not able to show up. His partner finds that she becomes the organiser and taking more and more responsibility because he won’t do it himself. He will often avoid responsibility in the home and expects his partner to handle tasks, the house and organise his life.
It’s the little boy energy of 'what about me'.
The deep wounds of not feeling good enough and low self-worth trigger deep wounds of shame in them. Because they don’t have a deep embodied sense of self, or wholeness, when anything that is brought to them for feedback it can hit them so deeply and trigger an extreme shame response. This shame response can trigger reactivity, defensiveness, stonewalling - they revert back to their child self as a means of protection.
Now this isn’t to say that his mother wasn’t caring or loving. It could be that she was physically present and emotionally distant. Maybe her expectations of her small boy were that he grow up quickly to be a man and didn’t give him his full range of emotions to express as a child so he was disconnected from his emotions.
So now, for the men reading this, my invitation is to imagine what relationships and intimacy could look like if you fully allowed this part of yourself to be healed. Imagine the love, care and attention that you would receive if you were also able to be fully present in a relationship and giving from a place of desire and love rather than projecting your unmet needs.
If you are ready for a relationship that feels connected and loving; if you’re sick of going from one relationship to another which most likely you have been calling ‘toxic’ because of your own struggles in being able to show up; if you are done with jumping from one relationship to the next with women who feel upset and frustrated by you and want to feel more appreciated and respected; if you feel the pain and shame from cheating on women you actually love and care about, my invitation is to do the work.
Heal your inner-child. Learn to self-soothe. Heal the relationship to your mother (this doesn’t need to be done directly with her but your embodied connection to your own internal mother). It’s about learning to connect with other men and doing rituals taking you from boy to man. It’s about stepping into your own power as a man and feeling fully connected to your masculinity in a healthy and loving way. It’s learning to recognise the unconscious biases you have towards women and to learn to not have to be in control. It’s working on your self-worth, learning to sit with the uncomfortable emotions of shame instead of jumping to reactivity.
To the women reading this who see this wound in their men, please don’t share this article with your partner if you have one. When a man is ready to do the work he will recognise these traits in himself and choose to do differently. He will choose to seek support. Until then, the question for you is can you accept him fully as he is right now and feel good about yourself in the relationship?
And for the mothers reading this, cuddle your small boys tight. Give them the love and attention and nurturing that you would your daughter. Put the phone down and give him your undivided attention. If you have a daughter and feel inclined to relate to her more than your son I invite you, while he’s small and you are his source of love and nurturance to ensure that he feels seen, loved and protected. Listen to his dreams, desires and fears. Validate how he feels. Encourage him to share his emotional landscape. When he starts to get older encourage him to spend time with real men. Men who have a healthy relationship to their emotions. Real men who take responsibility for themselves. Real men who know how to speak to and treat women with respect. Men who are going to be a great example of what a great man does and says. We learn how we are to be in the world from imitation.
And for those of you asking - ‘but what about women?’ I have content already on how women objectify men and how they show up in relationships with unintegrated father wounds. You can watch Men are not the Enemy here, where I share my journey working through my own objectification of men, The Father Wound here, How to Stop a Great Man from Loving You and Why We Push Great Men Away. These resources show how we as women objectify men and make them ‘less than’, although in many I don’t use this language, I may use the term in some places as ‘emasculation’.
Drop me an email and let me know - are you a man ready to say yes to more fulfilling relationships and deeper intimacy?
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other resources which are supportive around this topic are:
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