There’s nothing more terrifying than realising we are the creators of the world we live in. That the repeated patterns we find ourselves in are the ones we are actually creating for ourselves.
My skills are looking past the behaviour to the person underneath. I can see why someone has the behaviour that they do. what brought them to that pattern. The beauty is taking the person in front of me on a journey for them to discover it themselves.
That they recognise that a behaviour they have created, completely unconsciously was a coping mechanism. A reaction to something happening tin their world at the time that the behaviour was created.
The problem we can have doing this work alone is that our patterns can feel a part of us. We identify with them so strongly that we aren't even aware that a pattern exists. Because the pattern feels so 'normal' and the pain that we find ourselves in is so familiar and comfortable, we continue on, react, do, repeat.
We look to the world or people outside of us to explain why certain situations in our lives continue to repeat themselves. These patterns we identify with them so strongly that we name them as our 'personality' and our genes. And where this may be true to a certain extent, the beauty is, at any point, we can actually rewire our nervous system and brain to choose new patterns, new coping mechanisms, new responses to our environment and a new way of looking at the world around us.
This behaviour is so unconscious that what we end up doing is unconsciously creating situations that confirm how we see our place in the world and how we feel the world around us and the people in it treat us.
Let me share an example.
A client told me her partner didn't respect her time. That he frequently imposed himself on emotionally, wanting to talk about his feelings at times that she wasn't ready and in a place to receive or listen. Unrelated to this issue, I suggested that she does a communication practice with her partner. That they organise a time that they can both agree to to do it. They discussed the day and agreed on it, so in the morning he showed up ready and she was on her way out. frustrated, and felt like he expected her to drop her regular morning walk she was upset with him. That these things happened frequently, that he has expectations of her time. When we delved further into the situation we found that they hadn't organised a specific time to do the practice. So it made sense that there would be confusion. as we talked and explored further, she frequently put herself in a situation, unconsciously whereby her time felt like it wasn't being 'respected'. We then went through different ways, moving forward she could be clearer and set boundaries around her time. in effect, chaining this pattern and changing this story.
These patterns are showing up in our lives in all areas;
How we communicate with a partner
How we date the same type of man/woman and feel that there aren't any 'good ones' out there
Triggering your partner
How we have orgasms when self-pleasuring but don't when with a partner
Why we depend on porn to feel aroused
Why we set out to eat in a balanced and nutritious way but end up binging
How we end up always in the same arguments with our partner
How we end up with people treating us the same disrespectful way
...and the list continues...
Underneath them all you have created a particular way of behaving and being that locks you in. That keeps you stuck. That repeats the pain. Take an inventory of your life. Where are you repeatedly feeling the same about yourself? Where are you finding the same type of people show up in your life treating you the same way?
And this is what I do. I guide you to:
Discover the behaviour
Notice the repetitive scenarios that cause you pain
Recognise the familiar suffering
Here it is. Some like to call it 'The Shadow' because it lives with us. Unnoticeable, there with us always. Following us around. We are oblivious to its presence. It hangs out in the darkest parts of us waiting to be noticed and seen. Once we notice it, we can then choose to have a different relationship to it. Bringing that which hides in the dark, into the light.
Then together find ways to create a new narrative.
So my invitation to you is to ask yourself...
How honest are you being with yourself?
How absolutely true to yourself can you be to acknowledge your shadow?
Then the choice is yours to create a different path.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at email@example.com.