Porn: Addiction, Compulsion or Dependency?
- Carla Crivaro
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
I’m going to say something here a little triggering to some - porn isn’t a problem.
Now, I’m going to invite you into the nuance of this conversation. I invite you to leave your ‘all or nothing’, ‘black and white’ thinking at the door. Because what I have seen in my work is that everything is so much more complex, nuanced and multifaceted than what we allow at first glance.
And so, I’m going to share here some of the complexities around porn that you might not have considered.
I know the woman who’s reading this, whose partner’s obsession with porn and denial of it has left their relationship in tatters will be feeling angry.
I know the man who finds himself flipping his screen on quietly in public cubicles to get the next hit will be feeling shame and also curiosity - ‘Does Carla have a secret fix?’ he’ll be wondering.
I know the woman who is using porn to get turned on because her desire has tanked is feeling low self-esteem.
And… all of this comes from, not porn itself, but HOW it’s being used, talked about and acknowledged.
The issue that we’re currently facing with porn isn’t just about its use but how it’s being talked about by the media, by institutions. Yes, awareness is important, I have 2 children, one of which now has a phone so that we are as parents navigating online use and restrictions and having to preempt content that they might come across non-consensually. These times are challenging.
And so, when people admit to porn use - to themselves not even to another - oftentimes they will immediately be concerned about ‘addiction’.
Porn addiction is something we hear about all the time and the reality is, most people who have an issue with porn are experiencing compulsion use or a dependency.
So, how do the three look differently?
Addiction…
As with ANY addiction, porn use is feeding the dopamine receptors in the brain. It’s one more hit that the person is looking for. It’s an escape from something and a movement towards igniting the pleasure receptors.
Gabor Mate an addiction and trauma expert says that,
’The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.’
It’s a coping mechanism for unresolved emotional pain, trauma or disconnection. The addiction is an attempt to soothe the pain, not the root cause of it. Many with an addiction already have pain which translates as low self-worth, low self-esteem and high feelings of shame as a human being. The addictive act or substance is because the dopamine hit gives a temporary relief from their pain. They experience the shame, the craving for the next dopamine hit increases, they use porn, get the temporary high and so the cycle begins again. The same pattern for substance abuse and for other addictions such as gambling. And… with porn addiction, the person isn’t necessarily masturbating to it. An example is watching it at work with one tab open with porn while working on your spreadsheet.
As with any addiction each hit gradually becomes less effective needing to increase the consumption or intensity of consumption. For porn this looks like watching it for longer and struggling to switch it off, more extreme content, riskier behaviour to get the same effect.
It also begins to impact their relationships. The secrecy, with any addiction as we’ve already established there is shame and so there is hiding of the evidence, denial, reactivity, defensiveness.
Physiologically it can impact a person’s ability to connect intimately with another person. For men it can impact their erections, their ability to get or stay erect. If they are masturbating while watching porn, because of the disconnect from the way they touch themselves as they are so focused on the screen. Due to the increased extreme nature of the porn viewed and the frequency of seeing graphic content, there is less opportunity for desire to build and it can therefore impact motivation to seek out physical affection, emotional connection and physical intimacy.
There are very few people who have the above. Most people are in the below ‘categories’.
Porn compulsion…
Porn compulsion looks different. It isn’t driven by the high or the thrill. It’s driven by tension. There’s usually an underlying anxiety, restlessness or intrusive thought that builds in the body and watching porn becomes the quickest way to shut that feeling down.
It’s not about desire. It’s about finding relief. Compulsion and masturbation go hand in hand because it’s the ejaculation that helps to release the pent up feelings. The stress from the day, the anxiety that’s been building.
The issue here is that the moment the clip ends, the tension starts creeping back in again - because it was never dealt with in the first place!
The whole thing feels joyless, almost mechanical but the person keeps doing it because the mind and body don’t know another way to settle. The guilt is similar to addiction, but the energy underneath it is completely different. It’s not 'I want this’. It’s ‘I need this to quiet everything for a moment’.
Dependency:It’s when porn isn’t extreme or secretive but it has quietly become the main way a person accesses arousal, comfort or a sense of emotional regulation.
They don’t feel out of control. They don’t feel compulsive. They just… rely on it.
Without it, their desire doesn’t feel as strong. Self-pleasure feels flat. Partnered intimacy becomes harder to access because the body has been conditioned to respond to screens rather than sensation or presence.
And afterward, instead of satisfaction, there’s usually a small emotional dip. A subtle numbness that comes from checking out rather than tuning into the body and sensations.
Most people fall into one of these two categories, not addiction.
And then there’s the final one that almost no one talks about - unconscious use wrapped in shame.
Not because the porn itself is harmful but because the cultural narrative around porn has become so intense, so moralised, that people assume they must have a ‘problem’ simply for watching it.
This is the piece I see the most - someone watches porn once or twice a week or even once or twice a month and immediately spirals into guilt because they think they’ve crossed an invisible line.
The shame doesn’t come from the behaviour.
The shame comes from the belief that porn is inherently wrong.
And from that place, even normal, healthy, conscious use gets mislabelled as an ‘issue’.
Now, how do we begin to shift these patterns? The approach depends entirely on what’s happening underneath the behaviour.
For the people whose porn use is tied to seeking a high or escaping their pain, the first step is breaking the pattern that allows the brain to get that instant dopamine hit without any resistance. Creating space between the impulse and the action matters. Removing quick access helps.
And then it becomes about slowly rebuilding the pleasure system and coming back into the body, choosing real connection, real sensation, creative outlets, movement, touch.
And then, perhaps the hardest part, meeting the feelings they’ve been running from. Sitting with the discomfort they’ve been trying to numb. Because the addiction was never about porn it was about the wound underneath it.
As that shifts, intimacy can be rebuilt. Awareness comes back. Self-pleasure becomes a practice of connection rather than consumption.
And telling the truth! To yourself, to someone you trust, it all begins to dissolve the shame that keeps the cycle going.
For compulsion, the work is different.
It starts with noticing what’s happening in the body before the urge hits. Before the spike of anxiety, the restlessness, the panic, the loneliness, the knot in the stomach.
Once you can name that, you can begin soothing it in other ways. Breathwork, a cold splash of water, shaking, grounding, touching your own body without the goal of release… all of these create enough regulation to interrupt the automatic reach for porn.
Compulsion reduces through self-compassion not punishment. Bringing compassion to the urge is what allows the nervous system to slowly uncouple porn from anxiety.
For dependency, the work is about reconnection.
A lot of the time the imagination has gone quiet. The screen has been doing the heavy lifting. So the path back begins with rebuilding inner arousal… fantasy, breath, touch, memory, sensation.
Taking a break from porn for a month or two helps reset the reward system so the body can re-learn how to get turned on without a visual stimulant doing all the work.
Then comes meeting the underlying need such as the comfort, validation, escape, control or soothing that porn has been filling in for. When you can tend to that directly, porn stops being the only pathway into pleasure.
Intimacy deepens as well. Emotional connection starts to come online again.
Pleasure shifts from something you ‘do’ to something you feel, slowly, moment by moment.
And woven through all of this are the nuances people rarely name.
Some people are turned on by visuals, by genitals, by specific erotic cues and this is simply their erotic blueprint. There’s nothing wrong or broken about it.
Staying present in the body, exploring different types of touch, sound, breath, pressure, fantasy… all of this helps expand arousal beyond the screen and back into sensation.
There are so many different types of porn - audio, video, old fashioned magazines… they impact the human arousal, desire and nervous system in varied ways. How consciously are you choosing and interacting with it? How self-aware of you of your use?
There are ways of watching porn and being able to stay present within the body so that you don’t begin to rely on it for arousal.
Porn, in some shape or form has been around since humans could picture make thousands of years ago.
The erotic, the sensual and the explicit have always captured our attention - we are after all animals motivated to pro-create and to have desires. It’s how we relate to those desires that’s important.
Conversations about porn matter, too. What we make our partner’s porn use mean about us often creates more harm than the porn itself. Jealousy, comparison, insecurity… these reactions are human but they are also invitations into deeper self-understanding rather than quick blame.
So now that you’ve read this how concerned are you now about yours or your partner’s porn use?
What part resonates?
Do you feel more empowered now around this topic?
Do you feel you still need support?
You’re welcome to share your reflections at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are:
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