Updated: Jul 11, 2022
We have this idea in society that men are the ones who want sex more than women. It isn’t true. As an article beautifully articulates in The Atlantic, women want it just as much, possibly more than men. It’s the how she’s getting it which is important.
There’s an idea that men stray because they aren’t getting the frequency of sex they want. However, the pattern tends to be; * Great bedroom activities 1 to 2 years in the relationship, * After this the woman wants ‘more’ and ‘better’ and is unable to fully articulate what ‘more’ and ‘better’ means. She is not sure how or where to get it so introduces new positions, toys, possibly explores kink, etc, * She is then ‘put off’ by sex as it is no longer ‘fulfilling’, * Her partner makes advances and is frequently rejected. The woman starts to feel her boundaries are being crossed. ‘Icky’ and ‘touched out’ by what feel like frequent advances which are felt as disrespectful, * Sex can become a topic of tension as women feel obliged to do it but without fully being satisfied (even if they do orgasm) and men feeling undesirable because they are the ones always asking, * In some cases to have their needs met, partners (both men and women) will go and look elsewhere. Otherwise, it continues like this until well, until someone decides to get support or it just stays the same. For ever.
So one option is to open the relationship and go non-monogamous - which requires a great amount of internal work and communication to navigate successfully.
The other option is to do the ‘inner-work’ as individuals. What can prevent us from feeling the deepest connection in a relationship is how vulnerable we can be. How fully seen in all our unique rawness. How we are able to feel completely and totally accepted for every aspect of who we are. All our humanness. Within the relationship, open communication is essential with each person being responsible for their own reaction to the other’s truth - of course delivery of an individual’s truth is also important!
Most of us in our sexual experiences are in our heads, concerned with what we look like, how we’re performing and if the other person is enjoying themselves. Coming home to the body and feeling safe allows a deeper connection and for sure a more passionate encounter.
If both the man and woman can arrive at a place where they have worked through a significant amount of their core wounds and meet each other in a vulnerable deep connection, the intimacy that can be reached is profound and as some women who have experienced it - on another level.
Having that level of intimacy is like someone seeing into your soul and loving every aspect of your being - this is both ways. As a woman it is about being able to be in a feeling of surrender, being held and and being seen - in waves of bliss. For a woman, her work is learning to let go, to trust, to open up emotionally and physically.
The container in which all this happens comes from the man’s internal work, which ignites the strength and power of his masculinity. He is then creating a container from a grounded place and is able to hold space in a loving way. Both men and women need to work on their self-love and self-worth, knowing they are deserving of such a beautiful connection and profound love.
What both require to do is learn and understand the blockages which prevent them from dropping into that experience together. The dynamic of the relationship outside the bedroom will support how things work out in the bedroom. And this work isn’t necessarily regarding the relationship itself, it can be stories we tell ourselves about if we are ‘good enough’, if we’re ‘too much’, fears of abandonment for being and speaking our truth, feeling resentment if we feel we are being taken advantaged of, not setting and maintaining boundaries, not respecting other people’s boundaries due to our own fears and insecurities… and so much more.
If this resonates for you, my invitation is to take a step back and ask yourself, ‘how can I show up more authentically in my relationship and stand in my truth?’
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.