It's Not 'Just' Sex
- Carla Crivaro
- Apr 6
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 7
A woman in my network who I’ve known for nearly a year now said to me this week ‘I didn’t know how deep your work is., Carla I thought it was just about sex.’
We had just been to an event together where I had led the women in the room to connect to c vthe part of themselves that knows they are worthy and deserving of pleasure.
After that 10 minute practice the women said they noticed how their posture had changed, how they felt different, confident, like they would swing through the door on their way in their house shouting ‘hey hubby I’m home’.
So as this lady and I got talking about what I actually do, she began to understand exactly what the impact is and the profound meeting of self that takes place when people choose to work with me
It’s why I have clients that refer me to their clients, friends and family. It’s why when I created a private WhatsApp group for women the women I wanted in it, we’re all in with a ‘Yes!’
If you want to move though life feeling connected, magnetic and powerful you need to go down and in. Here’s what I mean…
Sex, is where we hold the most shame. Our genitals are also the area of our body that we are most disconnected from and we have a terrible relationship to.
A human that is confident in their sexuality and has a healthy connection to their own body shows up differently.
They have learnt to ask for what they want without shame or embarrassment - they do it confidently and from a place of pleasure. The request purrs off the tongue and if it’s not aligned with the person they’re with, they don’t let the shame seep in. No, they’re able to hold themselves and they, if the situation requires it, move out of the relationship.
These people have learnt what feels good in their body. They know their ‘no’. They trust themselves wholeheartedly and if it’s not a ‘fuck yes’, it’s a ‘no’ or needs maybe further inquiry into what could turn it into a ‘fuck yes’ or a ‘hell no’.
These people feel confident relating to other human beings, the trust that comes from speaking their truth they allow to slide off their shoulders anything that doesn’t align. They know who the fuck they are and don’t need other people’s opinions to shape them.
Women and men with a healthy connection to their own sexuality and desires can fully meet the desire of another person if they align - there’s no need to grasp onto and hold onto desperately the crumbs that others give. They know their worth and what they deserve.
These people give generously with no expectation of anything in return, because when they’re giving it, they’re doing it from a full place. They’re not doing it to try and keep the other person happy, or to hold onto love, or to keep the peace, or to make the other person stay. They give because they get off from giving and know that they are giving from a place of being in their own power. Giving love, affection, attention with a full heart is itself the dominant role and not the submissive. There’s no transaction here.
These people have learnt to expand their capacity for pleasure, ecstatic states and orgasmic bliss by being with their deepest and darkest emotions. They have fully met themselves at the depths. Our emotions are sensations in our bodies. How well you can be with all that arises emotionally - grief, anger, disgust… when you can learn to sit with it, feel it and observe yourself in it too, this is when you get to expand your nervous system capacity for heightened states of ecstatic bliss.
These people have met the parts of themselves that have sabotaged their sex lives and relationships. They’ve met the infant part of themselves that was left to cry it out as a child and now as an adult they fear abandonment - so they have learnt to soothe that part of themselves.
They have met their 8 year old self that got sent off to boarding school by their mother leaving them as a man to objectify women or as a woman to not trust other women - they now have worked through that and build healthy relationships with women.
They met the part of themselves that got bullied and learnt not to be too pretty, too smart or too much fun, should they get outcast from the tribe. Stay small and dim your light where it’s safer - they have now shifted this and show up unapologetically as they are and trust their tribe with will find them and will be surrounded by supportive loving people and those that don’t align they don’t pay too much to what they think.
They got to meet the part of themselves that as a child was shamed for touching their genitals because they had a religious upbringing and can’t masturbate - and after doing the work now knows what full body love is and can tap into their own pleasure instead of NEEDING to outsource it to another.
And so with expanding your capacity for feeling, for meeting every part of you that wants to protect you and keep you safe in your sex, love and relationships, do you know what happens? It begins to shift every other area of your life too. Because your know those parts that have been holding you back and keeping you in the familiar in your sex and relationships? They’ve been doing it in every other area of your life.
And you know what, not every therapist, counsellor or coach has met themselves in those deepest of places. You can’t meet yourself fully if you have never met the full person of who you are including in sex, love and relationships.
This is why I’m passionate about what I do. Because every time I walk into a room and a person recoils because they hear I support people in their sex lives, they giggle out of nervousness, look away or change the topic, I know that as a society we are hiding from the deepest most profound parts of us that can transform how we show up in every area of our lives - from bedroom to boardroom.
So if you’re thinking to yourself ‘it’s just sex’, then you have got what I do completely misunderstood.
What I do is take you on a transformative journey to the depths of who you truly are. You get to meet yourself fully and come out feeling more whole, integrated, and owning who you are and how you show up.
All I ask of you is that you are:
Willing to receive feedback/be challenged
Committed to your growth
Determined to reach your goals
…and of course, be fun to work with
Who’s ready to come with me on this journey?
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are:
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