Updated: Oct 17
The men who come and work with me and my colleagues very much struggle BECAUSE OF these misconceptions of what a man is or how he behaves.
The above was from a reel on Instagram. I posted a reply to this reel which was then flagged by Instagram - probably because I refer to sexual dysfunctions as there is a lot of censorship on Instagram. If education and support around sex and relationships interests you then I'd suggest getting on my email list so you can be updated when I post new articles, podcasts or I'm running events, you can do so here.
I felt however, inclined to write about this.
As a mother of 2 boys.
As a sex and relationship coach who supports men.
As human beings we are frequently reacting unconsciously from our emotions.
When someone says something to us, the process is:
Sensation in the body (representative of a pattern or behaviour that is likely unconscious that we have developed in some way to keep us safe)
Those sensations, when we have the language for it are EMOTIONS
Most of us then unconsciously react to those emotions with words or behaviours reflecting how we FEEL
Because we tend to follow our thoughts and believe them to be true, we then continue to build on the sensations and emotions we are feeling keeping us in a spiral which can be difficult to come out of
To change our behaviours and patterns, we first need to slow down this process and become aware of each stage of it.
So when somebody speaks we need to:
Notice the sensations in the body
Understand what the emotion is
There is likely a story or core wound that is coming up for us and that sounds like (‘they aren’t listening to me, they don’t care, they are being difficult’, etc) - this is a projection of a past experience that we are putting onto our present situation.
Once we know the story we can then choose to think differently and then respond differently.
But the core piece is first understanding what the sensation and emotion is. So understanding how we FEEL.
Self-awareness is a skill that we build up gradually over time as we are able to slow down what is happening and detach from our thoughts - which are often not ours or a way of viewing the world that is in someway to ‘keep us safe’.
How does this affect a man’s ability to be the lover he wants to be in the bedroom?
If when under stress in the bedroom, potentially wanting to please a woman, maybe not feeling good enough, if a man can bring awareness to his internal sensations, his emotions, and be aware of the chatter that goes on in his head he is able to take the steps to move through those emotions and not connect to the thoughts that keep him in a spiral. This means he is able to return more quickly to an erection, slow everything down to prevent premature ejaculation, connect to his feelings and surrender to them to work through delayed ejaculation.
When it comes to relationships, understanding his own triggers and stories, slowing everything down, connecting to feelings and bringing awareness to thoughts then learning to communicate needs is what will ultimately bring him closer to his partner.
Men are able to feel, they are able to connect to the deepest parts of themselves. They have just been conditioned not to. It hasn't been safe. They have been put in a box of what masculinity 'should look like' - which has left them feeling trapped and lonely.
What men truly want and desire is intimacy and connection. Men want to be loved, valued, seen and considered. They just haven't learnt to express that. oftentimes, they aren't even aware of that themselves until they come to me with a sexual dysfunction of some sort.
Unfortunately for many, the last time they fully felt that was from their mother.
Let’s change the narrative on men, masculinity and their emotions and give them the space to express themselves and be heard without judgement.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at email@example.com.
Other resources which are supportive around this topic are: