I see it in many women’s groups and I have female clients coming to me about their orgasms. They’re broken. They can’t orgasm from penetration alone and they can’t orgasm within the space of 10 minutes with a partner.
What's happening? Are they broken?
No.
Women fake orgasms.
Women frequently talk in groups amongst themselves about faking it.
They fake it often.
They fake it so that their partner feels good about his sexual performance.
They fake it in long-term partnerships to ‘prevent’ their partner from cheating.
They fake it in long-term partnerships to get the sex over and done with because they don’t enjoy it because it’s got boring and/or painful.
They fake it to appear sexier for their partner.
They fake it so their partner feels masculine.
They fake it because they don’t want to disappoint/embarrass their partner.
They fake it because they want to boost their partner’s ego.
They fake it because they want to avoid conflict with their partner.
Women are denying themselves pleasure and doing the emotional labour to protect their relationship and to protect their partner.
Let’s take a look at some statistics, explore the female anatomy of pleasure and see what men have to say…
Only 20% of women orgasm from penetration ALONE.
Women orgasm between 30 and 60% of the time during sex with a male partner. (Depending on the study. Women orgasm more frequently if they have sex with another woman).
Women need between 20 to 40 minutes AT LEAST of clitoral stimulation to orgasm, that's excluding the kissing and sensual play and talking on the build up to genital touch.
Things I hear from men myself or that my female clients have experienced:
‘You take longer than my other partners’
'You need to relax'
'Let go'
If your new partner is telling you that they need longer, or that they need you to play with them more to reach orgasm and your previous partners didn’t, the chances are very high that they were faking it. It takes a long time of arousal and turn on build up and then clitoral stimulation for most women to orgasm. Even if your partner is ‘taking longer’ the opportunity to play with each other can really build connection and intimacy. Instead of racing to the goal or orgasm, how about looking at how you can both give each other maximum pleasure for longer. Taking orgasm off the table for both of you and spending time enjoying each other’s bodies. Women also need a sense of safety and no pressure to be able to orgasm.
‘I don’t have time to play with your vulva/it's too much effort’
'Ive been playing with your clit for 30 minutes, I haven't got all day'
'Why do I always have to go down on you, can't you get yourself started?'
Playing with a woman’s vulva is essential to her experiencing pleasure to reaching an orgasm. Yes, there will be some women who reach orgasm from penetration alone however they need to be extremely aroused and turned on, which can take time in itself. In a sexual encounter with your partner, how would you feel if she turned around and said ’I don’t have time to play with your cock/allow your cock to penetrate me?’ For most men, penis stimulation is essential to orgasm, whether that’s handjob, blowjob or penetration. So not expecting to play with your partner’s vulva is like her not playing with your cock/allowing penetration. If you haven’t got time to play with her vulva then you haven’t got time for sex.
‘My previous partners didn’t need so much clitoral stimulation’
'You're the first person that has needed this'
'Compared to previous partners you're more difficult'
The chances are that if more than one person has had an orgasm from your little to no clitoral stimulation then she is faking it. Even if a woman is able to orgasm from penetration, she will need to be turned on and will likely need a certain amount of clitoral stimulation before you penetrate.
‘What I do worked well on every other woman’
'You're a difficult puzzle'
'You're too difficult to bring to orgasm'
Two points to this, every woman is different. Firstly, if you are getting direction from a woman about her body and what she likes, I suggest you follow it if you care about her pleasure. Second point, I would also ask you if those previous partners ever spoke up about what they liked and disliked or did they always seem compliant with whatever you brought to the bedroom? If they never voiced their desires or feedback on their preferences, the chances are they were faking it.
'Have you come yet?'
'I want you to come'
'Are you close?
This can just pressure on a woman to orgasm as it becomes the 'goal'. Instead of asking if someone has come and if they are close, instead you can ask, how does this feel? Is it enjoyable? So that you are supporting them towards experiencing pleasure but without the pressure.
Any of the above comments made by a man are not helpful and are advised against saying to a partner. The comments above damage her confidence, make her feel less safe, increase the amount of time it takes for her to orgasm, make her not want to have sex with you and make her more likely to fake it - which is possibly why the other women were faking it too.
If you are sleeping with women, not dedicating time to their pleasure and/or not playing with their clitoris and they are experiencing an orgasm - the chances are, they are likely faking it.
If your partner isn’t faking it and is showing you what she wants - you are onto a winner. Because from her guidance you get to be a better lover. You get to experience intimacy at a deeper level.
So how can both men and women change this stalemate?
Men, what you can do differently:
Educate yourself - learn about the female anatomy of pleasure either from a professional or books. Learn pussy massage and/or how to give oral.
Communicate - ask her what she likes and doesn't like and check in that you're doing it right.
Find pleasure in giving - if oral sex isn’t something you feel comfortable doing and not sure what to do, there is lots of support out there either professionally or through books on learning to enjoy giving oral or to improve your technique.
Do the inner-work - what are you making the feedback mean about you and your worth? Explore where you have low self-esteem, low confidence and build that up so that you can receive guidance from your partner without taking it so personally.
Hold space - listen to and validate your partner’s feelings and emotions OUTSIDE the bedroom, she will then feel safer bringing bedroom issues to you too. Feel grateful if your partner is open to asking for what she wants - it means she values your relationship enough to want to be vulnerable and to build an intimate and supportive relationship.
Remove the goal - are you racing to make her orgasm? To get it out of the way so you can have ‘proper sex’? If you are doing everything possible to TRY to make her to orgasm instead of enjoying her body and the connection, she is going to feel this pressure and it will prevent her from relaxing and orgasming.
A male friend recently revealed he has long oral sessions with his partner finishing off with making her a bacon sandwich in bed - not essential every time, but dedicating time to your partner's pleasure pays off. She will be more enthusiastic to find ways to please you too and less likely to reject your advances.
Women, what you can do differently:
Stop faking it - you deserve better.
Self-pleasure - learn what you like and how you like it so you can give feedback.
Sexually empower yourself - many women play a passive role in sexual encounters. Asking for what you want and how you want it will increase your chances of finding a man who can meet those needs and you reaching orgasm.
Communicate - learn communication skills to be able to talk outside the bedroom about how you feel during sex and how you would like sex to look. Are you being clear about what it is that you want or is it hints? Hinting can be misunderstood as a preference rather than a necessity. Unless something is specifically causing you discomfort or pain which you need to communicate, letting your partner know what you like and what you do want is more supportive to his ears and ego than what he is ‘doing wrong’. Positive reinforcement is key.
Boundaries - if your partner is unable to receive feedback, hold your boundary to how you will be spoken to and treated around this topic. Your needs are valid. Remember that.
Are you not facilitating orgasms or not receiving them? Let me know in the comments.
Know that at any point, you have the choice to have the sex life and intimacy you desire - you just need to make the first step towards it.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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