Updated: Jul 11
Men are watching porn and they’re learning how to touch and make love to women from a completely dissociated place.
This isn’t all men of course. But it’s many.
Many men are learning how to please a woman from speaking to other men - who may not know themselves how to pleasure a woman.
Men aren’t understanding where to touch a woman, how long for and in what way.
I’m hearing women speaking about how they think that something is wrong with them or their bodies because they aren’t performing how their partners think they should.
You know your body best.
If you don’t know your body, my invitation is to create an intentional self-pleasure practice. Create a ritual space and dedicate 15 to 30 minutes to learning about your body and your pleasure, at least once a week but 3 times would be ideal. Learning what gives you pleasure - removing the goal to orgasm as this can put pressure on you to ‘force it’ rather than understand what feels good to you.
Every time you fake an orgasm you are reducing your chances of ever having one from that partner.
Every time you pretend that you like something when you don’t you are setting yourself up to avoiding pleasure.
This is self-abandoning your sexuality.
This is self-abandoning your womanhood.
You deserve pleasure.
You deserve orgasms.
You have every right to say how and where your body is touched. Especially if it’s to bring you pleasure.
And it’s our responsibility as women to teach men about our bodies.
To communicate to them.
Tell them where and tell them how.
Every time a man touches you and you don’t say ‘try it this way’ or ‘I like it soft’, or ‘it feels good to me if you touch me here’… every time, you are teaching them that what they are doing is ‘right’ and that it’s OK.
It’s affecting your pleasure.
It affects your self-worth.
It affects how you feel about your body.
Some facts to know you’re ‘normal’…
Starting with sensual touch away from the obvious erogenous zones is normal to build up turn on
It can take 20 to 40 minutes of genital touch for a woman to orgasm
It generally takes women longer than men to be ready for penetration and this means lots of play, sensual touching and stimulation. (This of course may not always be the case but is more so than not)
Your labia and clitoris need to be wet or lubed to be touched, otherwise it can be irritating
Less than one third of women reliably orgasm from penetration alone (reliably means that they know they can get to orgasm just from this method. To be able to do this regularly requires a particular container held by your partner)
It’s normal for direct touch on the clitoris to be irritating if you aren’t yet aroused
Clitoral heads can vary in size and this does not affect how well you can be pleasured - don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
You will need light gentle touch rather than vigorous rubbing to get you to orgasm
It’s possible to learn to orgasm from being touched in any part of the body - however, notice that for the majority of women this is something they need to learn and rewire their system for
10-15% of women don’t have orgasms which means they haven’t learnt to touch themselves in a pleasurable way and aren’t being touched by others a way that promotes pleasure
My invitation to you, is to start talking. Communicate to your partner.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at email@example.com.