Updated: Jul 11
Sometimes we have reflected back to us situations which are painful and uncomfortable to fully see and witness.
Situations where we have been (often unknowingly) responsible for the life we have created for ourselves.
Recognising that and bringing it to the surface is extremely painful. Our ego’s narrative of being the victim of the situation or blaming others or our environment for where we currently are is so much more comfortable. Recognising that there is the choice to do differently can be for some quite terrifying.
Changing the patterns and behaviours of literally a lifetime is frightening. It’s the unknown. The pain that we keep ourselves in is so familiar and we are used to it. We almost take comfort in its presence.
The unknown is a different kind of fear.
The fear of change. The fear of being able to take control of our situation. With being in control comes responsibility. With responsibility means owning our mistakes and accepting
that the situation we told ourselves existed isn’t quite the one that we had convinced ourselves of. Being ‘wrong’ or admitting to a perspective that is different to our own is extremely painful for our ego. Our perspective is a reflection of self and how we see our place in the world. Accepting that there is another possibility for an equally valid perspective is throwing our sense of identity into the unknown. The metaphorical abyss. Looking into a dark hole, not knowing where we will go or how we will come out of it.
Tuning into that part of ourselves and learning to figure out the truth we have about ourselves that is not layered with conditioning is a process of discovery. What will we unearth? What did we think we knew about ourselves which is actually different to what we believed? How will we need to behave differently once we have access to this information?
This is the place where we meet resistance. Resistance to exploring those parts of us and going deep. Resistance to changing our path. Resistance to changing our behaviour. Resistance to taking responsibility.
Resistance is part of the process. Resistance is our ego’s effort to keep us in the comfort zone. To stay with the expected. Resistance is keeping ourselves small, unworthy and undeserving. It’s easier to step back and allow things to happen to you then stand up and ask for your needs to be met to be faced with possible rejection or even acceptance. Rejection because it feeds into our stories of ‘not being good enough’. But fear of having our needs met? How can that frighten us? If our needs are accepted, our stories of ‘not feeling worthy to have those needs’ is challenged and that can create a sense of responsibility in feeling that we have some unachievable image that we must maintain. Because if someone can accept we have needs, and essentially say we are deserving and worthy of having our needs met, then that can feel like we have some feeling of being seen for who we are, and that can be scary. That our whole way of viewing ourselves and the world is different and that we do have our own internal power. Knowing and recognising the power within us can be initially intimidating. Our strength in our own abilities to choose for ourselves and be the master of the life we create feels foreign. And again we return to the word ‘responsible’. We are stepping out of our inner-child’s safety and cocoon of wanting to be rescued and actually choosing to adult.
So if we know this, do we stop experiencing the resistance? No. It’s still there. It’s what you do with that resistance that’s important. Do you allow the resistance to take its grip so you stagnate? Do you allow the resistance to create stories about not moving forward? Do you allow the resistance to tell you that you aren’t ready yet, that you need to wait for X, or Y or Z to happen before you start? Do you allow resistance to project your fears of resistance onto another person, that it’s because of another person that you cannot yet take this journey?
If you have been wanting to move through the pain and discomfort and find yourself creating reasons not to do so, my invitation is to listen to the story you are telling yourself. Is this story true? Or if you get really honest with yourself and really uncomfortable, is it the resistance to change? The resistance to stepping into your power?
And then my next invitation is to lean into that resistance, take a breath, release it with a sigh and a shake and make the move that you were resisting. Lean into the discomfort. Lean into the fear. Lean into the dark unknown.
And I’ll see you, in your power, on the other side.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at email@example.com.