Question I received from a man around women’s sexuality after seeing this article about what women really want in the bedroom but are afraid to ask:
“Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it usually the man in the relationship that wants to expand outside of what is considered the "norm" and the female is the one who has the final word? No amount of talking or listening will change their mind."
This is a common misconception. That men have a partner who ‘isn’t like that.’
My reply was:
No it isn’t. Not at all.
Women don’t feel safe to bring the conversation to the table. If men suggest things they may want to do with them but the woman's nervous system doesn't feel safe with that person doing those things then she won't do them. It doesn't mean it isn't a desire or wish though.
Research shows that 1-2 years of being in a long term relationship WOMEN are the ones who want to add more variety - "Women Get Bored With Sex In Long-Term Relationships"
Two out of three relationships which are opened up (dating, swinging, etc) are initiated by women.
Women are VERY open-minded about sex. They want to explore and try new things but don’t feel safe because:
- She will be slut-shamed
- The perceived risk of not finding a long-term partner
- Her partner doesn’t respect boundaries
- Her partner isn’t responsible for his own reactions to her needs
- She doesn't feel listened to in the relationship and her needs are dismissed/not considered
- She doesn’t feel seen in the relationship
- How the communication is outside the bedroom determines what happens inside.
How much listening are you doing compared to the talking?
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at email@example.com.
Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are: