Updated: Jul 11, 2022
Don’t fix me, just witness.
When someone is upset we have a tendency to want to ‘fix’.
To make it all better.
Other people’s emotions can make us feel uncomfortable.
We can feel out of control.
That their emotions in some way may overwhelm us.
We can panic.
We need to find a solution.
This is why we tell children not to cry. Because it makes US feel uncomfortable.
We give a friend a hug or tell them ‘it will be OK’. Not for them, but to help us deal with their strong emotions.
The first time I sat in circle, the circle leader told us not to hug another woman while she was processing or crying.
Initially I felt this was a cold thing to do.
To sit and watch.
The first time I cried in circle, having been used to people trying to ‘fix’, I felt lonely. I felt exposed being watched.
However, with more circles under my belt I began to feel witnessed in this process.
I felt trusted to be able to manage my own emotions.
Trusted to process them.
I felt empowered.
Now when I get upset I place the boundary ‘don’t fix me, just witness’.
And when listening to others I ask, ‘do you want to be witnessed or are you seeking advice?’
More often than not, we just want to be witnessed in our vulnerability. Accepted for who we are. Even the ‘broken’ parts of us. To be witnessed as a whole.
So tell me, how are you feeling today? I see you. I witness you. I hold you. Whatever you are feeling, it is welcome here.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.