Sex & Relationship Detox - 12 Months On
- Carla Crivaro
- Aug 13
- 9 min read
Today officially ends my commitment to my sex and relationship detox.
For those of you following my journey, you know what happened next on a practical level. If you’re new to my website, you may want to start off by reading what happened here, and then coming back to this article so it makes sense.
A quick summary of why I went into it for those who remember my announcement. I had recently broken up from my boyfriend and was looking to return to self. To figure out who I was.
I realised that I had done a ton of self-abandoning to be chosen.
Self-abandoning my needs.
Self-abandoning my values.
Self-abandoning in my purpose.
Self-abandoning my voice.
I had lost trust in myself, my ability to discern, to listen to my inner wisdom. I was anxious, stressed and doubting myself on every level. Feeling stuck, not good enough, too much - all of it and more.
The detox was to stop me from doing this in the future. I had made a conscious and intentional decision to show up differently - this was at the heart of what I wanted. To influence the foundations of myself I had built in that relationship, and rebuild them to create a newer, more empowered version of myself.
As it happened a couple of weeks later, my boyfriend and I ended up back together. For a short period of time things shifted and the relationship felt new.
I had decided and committed to in the moment of the article to change.
Fundamentally.
But, as time passed things slipped back into old patterns, how I handled it though was different. I showed up more vulnerably, I held myself in his reactivity speaking calmly to the parts of his nervous system in fight and protection. Whereas previously I had got upset and behaved in childish ways.
It wasn’t long that I realised that the changes I was making internally were no longer aligning with the relationship that was playing out before me. So ever Christmas I ended it again. This time, permanently.
I spent some time debating whether or not to return to the detox. Speaking with my attachment coach we explored what my next steps could be. She suggested a full break from men.
I didn’t fully listen to that advice either.
I had sex with a friend. Then I met a guy on Feeld which I had an amazing encounter with - which actually turned out to be an extremely healing experience - you can read about that here.
So no, I didn’t do the detox. And, there was a lot of shame to process around that. I felt I had let my community down. I had put such high standards on myself and not been self-accepting of my own humanness. I write more about that shame and my confessions here.
So how do I feel now, a year on about my commitment to myself where I let myself down?
Initially as you will have read in the shame and confessions article - pretty shitty. Today? Really good. Why? Because I actually achieved what I set out to do.
A reason for doing the detox was clarity around what I do and don’t want. Towards the end of my last relationship, in the parts that weren’t working, it became extremely clear to me what I actually did want in a relationship - I wrote my list here.
I had wanted to bring a ‘pause’ a space that in the quietness I had time to reflect. Breaking free from the noise of the relationship enabled me to get quiet and really listen to who I was. I got to ‘be’. My kids’ dad in the January moved out part-time to be with his partner and so I found when the kids were at school, the opportunity to sit with myself and listen.
An intention I had was to make the unconscious conscious. So bringing awareness to old patterns of behaviour and begin to choose new ones. I signed up for a Tantra in person 6 month workshop with Laura Pickerill and Lizzi Edgar, and I’m still in the container of the Uplevel Academy with Natasha Bray.
I was actively working on this. And as I began to traverse through these healing portals, I was invited to come to terms with what was happening at a deeper level with my ex-boyfriend. I write about some deep realisations here.
I was giving myself the physical, emotional and spiritual space and conditions to begin a deep healing process that helped me understand even deeper the dynamics of harmful relationships from my 20s. This new knowledge, understanding and embodied realised experience and awareness has catapulted my work with clients.j Since my ‘awakening’ I know know what a ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ relationship FEELS like and how I responded to them both differently. Information that has already been an immense support for current clients.
Another goal had been to heal my relationship with women. With my ex-boyfriend I had felt in deep comparison to other women. Not good enough. Not attractive enough. Too much. Too intense. I felt threatened by other women.
Choosing to attend healing women’s only spaces such as a womb awakening retreat in Cornwall, the Tantra space, the Uplevel Academy they each brought me together with women in healing spaces. A business retreat in Dubai where I was encouraged by the hostess Liz and other ladies there to show up more fully as I am for the camera boosted my confidence and connection with other women.
I began to run women’s circles, and I have a free WhatsApp group for women to support and celebrate each other in their sex, love and relationships. Not only was I a huge part of other women’s communities, I was creating my own.
My celebration and desire for women to really succeed, step into their power has fully returned. I have a fierce desire for women to feel fucking fabulous and the depth of my coaching has increased so much more as I bring them into resonance of self-love and self-reclamation. Feeing truly honoured to be a support and guidance in their transformation.
Seeing the bonding of the women in my groups and how much they also fiercely support each other really fills my heart. To see that I co-created this and was the facilitator in it unfolding - pure love!
I also desired from the detox to know that I was whole without being in a relationship. Part of this journey came from beginning this while I was still in the last few months with my ex. I began to build a life intentionally that didn’t need him to be in it all the time.
As we finally ended it, coming to wholeness meant the inner-work I did in groups and although we may never get to wholeness in this lifetime - it’s the journey there that we are all on - I feel, right in this moment that life is really good. My relationship status is something that I feel happy and very positive about. I have a huge sense of freedom. It was this desire for freedom which had originally led me to desiring non-monogamy. There has also been the question is non-monogamy what I want or monogamy. Right now, I know exactly what I want from a partner sexual or otherwise - and if a man can’t offer that - I am absolutely OK with that.
I have had a couple of men turn me down because they are ‘intimidated’ by the work I do (coaching on sex). The old me may have adapted my profile or hidden it as some friends suggested. Instead I’m owning that. I’m claiming that identity as mine. Because, I don’t want a guy who isn’t confident enough in himself that can’t meet me where I’m at. I would prefer to be solo than have to dim myself down for someone else’s discomfort.
Also having clarity around what I wanted that when I went on a dating app Feeld (an app for non-monogamy, casual sex and to explore the taboo) that my profile was really clear on what that was - and if they couldn’t meet that, then that’s OK. And so it was with that conviction and owning of what I wanted that I met Alex and got the experience I did - read here.
My time on the apps was only about a month. Right now, I have no desire to be on there and fully focused on my children, business and continued self-development.
Trust was one of the big things that came up for me in my last relationship. I needed to trust myself and my own decisions. Unravelling and unfolding the old patterns and connecting to my more real self I have made some amazing decisions and really launched my business and visibility to higher levels. I trust myself to take action and I trust that if I make a mistake I can course correct. I trust my intuition around people and situations and have said ‘no’ to things without really knowing the ‘why’ behind the ‘no’ for it to all unfold beautifully in divine timing.
Trust was also about trusting my choices and decisions and often when given advice or suggestions would allow myself to be persuaded. I’m feeling really clear now. So much so that I’m less afraid to disagree with someone about something related to me if my opinion differs, without the fear of upsetting them. I know who I am, where I’m going and what I want.
I wanted to also build my intimacy with myself. What I have noticed as I have done this is that I have tapped into my own erotic energy which bubbles this feeling of aliveness in me that is all for me. How I feel in my body, how I move, I feel more rooted and connected to that creative and playful life force within me. And because it’s not being streamed out for validation or to pull a lover in, because I play with it for myself, I have found I am more magnetic. That opportunities, conversations and possibilities arrive and fall on my lap for being connected to myself so intimately.
I also intended greater support and to call that in. And I did all of this by surrounding myself with people who see the greatness in me and as well as loving me there have also held me accountable with love.
With these intentions I had created 3 main parts of my life to focus on:
My above intentions
Building my relationship to my children
Focusing on my ‘purpose’ - the work I do and came here to do
And with those three as my focus I can definitely say that over the last year my life as transformed in ways that I could’t have imagined. Relationships, opportunities, collaborations, events, meetings, experiences…
All of these are a sign of the deep commitment I made to myself, to my boys and to my community around me.
Many of these new ways of being and doing I began almost immediately last year. The moment I hit publish on my website, the commitment was already made for those changes to take place.
Even though last year I fell back into the relationship a couple of weeks later, I was able to have clarity on my direction (which ultimately led me realise it was’t the relationship I wanted anyway).
What made the difference was writing down my intentions. The ‘how’ had been the detox and ‘pause’. I don’t think it mattered in the end if I had done the detox fully or not. My clarity on where I wanted life to go was enough to make sure it went there.
I’m feeling this is particularly important right now for a lot of people. I know of many people in relationships going in and out of them like a revolving door, unable to fully commit or fully let go.
I see many people finding the same relationship dynamics, over and over again.
New person, same story.
Patterns repeating.
Circling back round to the same feelings of low self-worth, feeling lonely and feeling abandoned.
When what they really need to be doing is getting clear -
What is it I want?
How do I want to feel?
What do I need to do to get there?
Is my current situation supporting me in that direction or hindering me?
If it’s hindering me is there something I can change or do I need to let it go?
So if you’re a couple stuck in these loops, drop me an email - hello@carlacrivaro.com
If you’re single or dating (even for just sex) and want to shift dating into a new vibration that has you claiming yourself and your desires fully, I have dating 101 waiting list open here.
If you’re a woman and want to join my free WhatsApp group, drop me an email hello@carlacrivaro.com
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are:
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