Choosing The Red Flags In A Relationship
- Carla Crivaro
- Jul 25, 2025
- 13 min read
Updated: Aug 29, 2025
I pulled a card this morning - ‘radical responsibility’. I could feel my body react with contraction. I would definitely consider myself someone who is radically responsible. I get coaching in various areas of my life specifically for people to point out my blind spots. I listen and take on board what people share. When friends or my kids’ dad share with me any unintentional hurt I have caused I sit and listen through the discomfort of having hurt someone I care about and take ownership of it. Not perfectly, but I’m definitely improving - the result being deeper relationships and greater trust on both sides.
So why the reaction to the card at this time? Because of a realisation I had a few days ago. In fact, I shared it already (in part) on my socials. But not fully. I hadn’t fully claimed it. But the card was a nudge. The nudge to take full ownership - because I want you to take ownership too.
The realisation - that I knowingly went into a relationship with a lot of warning signs and chose to stay there because of them.
Whaaaat???
Why would I do that? It doesn’t make sense, does it!
I did it because my desire was to feel… wanted.
Now you’re probably thinking - how can someone behaving in a way that makes you feel wanted be a bad thing? Let me explain first of all how I got here…
Due to my upbringing I often felt growing up that I wasn’t supported. In fact there were many instances that were quite significant when I wasn’t. So, a part of me has always been on the look out for people to let me down, be unsafe and stab me in the back Unconsciously choosing them and not trusting people, bracing for the let down).
Some examples are a time when I was sexually assaulted and those who should have been behind me and supporting me, indirectly blamed me. At secondary school I was bullied from my second year right through to the end. Friends left me left right and centre to not be associated with me and because of that I became a target that was easier and easier to put down. In fact, when I did try to get support around seeing my name on a toilet door with unkind words - I was made to scrub it off as it must have been my fault. I definitely didn’t feel protected. I didn’t feel supported. It’s what contributed to my anti-man feminist way of being in my late teens and early 20s. It made me, in all honesty, quite bitter and resentful about the world around me, and if I’m honest - entitled. Entitled because I felt I had been hard done to, because I was quite clearly a victim that people should adapt to make me feel more comfortable and supported. I talk about how being a victim actually held me back here.
Over time with self-inquiry, self-development and having children who taught me so much I began to soften, have compassion for not only myself but for how others had treated me, quite clearly from their own wounds and fears.
The problem became that I continued to choose men who were emotionally unavailable and who continued to play the role of not being supportive and not standing up for me. My marriage was an example of me choosing someone who couldn’t show up for me and then, through my own actions, actually pushed him further away so that his desire to show up for me in the way I wanted became more and more difficult for him.
I didn’t feel chosen. I didn’t feel wanted. I didn’t feel claimed. Not fully. These were definitely themes I was still experiencing towards the end of my marriage. My ex-husband, a really great and safe guy who is most definitely my secure attachment figure in my life now, wasn’t great at boundaries with me. Conflict avoidant, not pro-active in our relationship - until I invited him to make those shifts (read more about that here..)
A big one in our relationship had been the fact that he couldn’t stand up to me - reflecting upon that now and the work I do with men I understand that from a nervous system point of view that if I can’t feel he can stand up to me, how can my nervous system trust that he will stand up for me. This is evolutionary. This isn’t about me being rescued (although I do have an inner-girl that does desire the Hollywood romantic element of rescue - which I believe is for the most part in check). Women are physically weaker than men - fact. It’s not a ‘bad’ thing. Biologically we had different roles pre-agricultural revolution and part of a man’s role, being stronger, was to protect the tribe. So being with a man who can stand up to you helps you to feel safe - it’s a fine line of someone standing up to you to create safety and then actually being unsafe - which I’ll get onto.
There had been instances where I had been confronted by other people in aggressive or unkind ways and other people, friends, family, partners, would stand and watch as I stood there in freeze while being attacked verbally. In some situations people walking off and saying ‘it’s nothing to do with me’. People who should really have been there for me and protected me - this isn’t a little girl energy that’s coming up, this is actually a tribe supporting other members of that tribe. It most definitely fed into me feeling alone, abandoned, and in my 20s hyper-independent (I was super clear I didn’t need a man!)
So now that you have an idea of the experiences, you can imagine the wounds that were created…
No one had my back
I was never chosen
I didn’t feel protected
I had to do it all myself
My desperate need for my inner-child to be wanted drove me into a relationship where she felt so passionately chosen. This is why this work is important. This is why self-awareness and having others point our your blind spots is essential, because if you aren’t doing this for yourself then you continue to meet the same wounds over and over again and think it’s the world around you that’s the problem.
So let’s delve deeper into the behaviours that were indicators to pay attention to that should have been the reason I shouldn’t have continued the relationship - or at the very least, held my ground in who I was so that he was forced to change or leave. I’m going to share where I actually chose ‘red flags’ purposefully because of what they meant about me…
One of the first memories I have was discussing nights out. I was going to be seeing a friend plans kept changing and I wasn’t clear on what my friend and I were going to do and when I suggested he come and then my friend and I changed our minds about inviting partners he was upset by this. He acknowledged that he struggled with plans changing. I remember thinking to myself at the time his reaction to this was greater than it ‘should’ be. And I also remember feeling very much wanted. That he had such a strong desire to spend time with me. It felt really good, that someone wanted so much to be with me. What happened was I began to stop listening to my desires of what I wanted to do so as not to upset him. As this happened on repeat, it became safer not to make plans.
This pattern also showed up a few months later once we were officially monogamous and in a relationship (before that I had been non-monogamous with my ex-husband). I was looking at plans for my year around workshops, travel and various parts for my business and he got upset with me that I was even looking at my plans without even factoring him into the equation or creating space or setting time. I had been looking at going to Italy for the summer holidays so my boys could be with their Italian grandparents and this upset him greatly as we wouldn’t be able to see each other. I felt very much chosen. So happy that he wanted to spend time with me. I started planning less and less for my business, my kids and myself. It then shifted into him then booking days off without consulting me first - which was the very thing that he had brought to me. When I spoke to him about his planning not considering me I was told I was demanding of him. That he needed time for himself.
By this point I had isolated myself from many friends, had stopped attending self-development workshops around sexuality and relationships and my life was merged into his. My business started to decline as I managed my diary around his to see him. Moments I got to myself and booked for me were met with - ‘you can’t ask me to not book things when you go and book them for yourself’. It felt like double standards. I spent more and more time at his, with his friends and in his life as my own drifted further away. I became dependent on him.
When we were together he would love the attention that I would get. The odd night out towards the end of the relationship when I would go out by myself there would be passive aggressive comments about what I was wearing. Understanding that this was jealousy made me feel desired. And, at the same time I began losing who I was creatively through my self-expression via clothes. Anyone looking at my website and socials now wouldn’t see that. But those who know me definitely saw a transformation - especially when I left. I had begun dressing for him and his approval rather than myself. An old pattern I had from my ex-husband who due to his social anxiety, when we lived in Italy would prefer I dress ‘classically’ so as not to stand out.
He was threatened by my work. The sex element initially he was interested in and excited by… until he realised what that meant - speaking to men about sex and the attention I would get at events as an attractive Sex Coach. I felt very desired, wanted, protected and claimed by him. That he wanted me all for himself. It felt good to feel that from him. What happened though is I began to dumb down, not be ‘too much’ and distance myself some more from the sexual element of my work. Watering down my message and not fully owning it publicly - only privately in women’s networking or similar.
During my relationship with him I was separating from my kids’ dad and there were periods of tension between my kids’ dad and I. Oftentimes my ex would coax me into ‘standing up for myself’- in this I felt fully supported, someone had my back. What was actually happening is that it was causing more tension with my kids’ dad, which up until this newer relationship, we had had a good relationship with each other. My ex also did similar with my other family members, defending me and encouraging me to stand up to them - which I did need to do, but also the ‘how’ was important, my relationship with my family began to break down.
When it came to light that his ex had been rude about me to his family his aggressiveness towards her, his shouting and swearing at her, felt like to me someone finally standing up for me. When in actual fact, it was a sign of a man who couldn’t deal with stress. Dysregulated and resorting to name calling to get his point across. It wasn’t long before that made it’s way to me. Teaching me to say less, not to rock the boat and keep the peace by abandoning my needs.
Each time he displayed these behaviours he did it from such a wounded and triggered place, one of either upset, anger or disappointment that it felt to me that it was passionate. He was fiercely choosing me. Instead it was reactive outbursts on his part.
All of these behaviours should have been signs that I either should have stood my ground and not let his own reactions affect me - which would have either resulted in me leaving or him changing to adapt to me or him leaving because he couldn’t cope with my actual existence and who I was being a trigger for him.
What resulted in fact was the behaviours instead which I chose to want. Behaviours that demonstrated that there were still parts of me wanting to be healed. That were choosing chaos over truth.
I chose instead to restrict myself, dim my light, disconnect from my intuition, disconnect from my truth, stay silent…
The real issue - our self-worth collided. In understanding him, he didn’t feel worthy enough to be with someone like me. At the beginning of the relationship I definitely felt like I had been put on a pedestal. Which initially felt fabulous. My realisation is that the higher someone puts you, the greater you have to fall. Many of the things he found attractive in me - my openness to talk about sex, my intelligence, my beauty, my confidence, my self-awareness, my ability to see through other people’s bullshit - all of that became a huge trigger for him. Which is why he reacted the way he did. Did he control me? Unconsciously, yes, but, and this is the radical responsibility part - he controlled me with my permission. By adapting, by staying I chose to be there and engage with it all due to my own wounded parts - and that’s what I mean when I say our self-worth collided. Had my self-worth been stronger more grounded, I would have not chased those behaviours as love - I would have seen immediately that they were unsafe.
So why did I stay so long? It was after all two and a half years…
He did also offer so many heart-centred appreciations and actions which had me feeling fully chosen. Deep down he was/is a great guy with a big heart. And through the dysregulation and the anxiety, I kept returning for those. The moments of true connection. The moments when my heart opened and I felt fully seen and held - because those did happen too.
I felt fully seen through the gifts. Gifts is one of my love languages and I have frequently felt unseen in this area of my life. He would buy gifts with so much thought and care. Not just for birthdays or events, but in between - small tokens, showing he thought of me. He even bought a book for my inner-child. I had never had someone see me so deeply like that before. It was difficult to let go.
His desire to spend time with me and me feel fully chosen was when I didn’t have my own car and sometimes he would travel the distance to come and pick me up so we could spend extra time in the car together. I remember one particular time early on in our relationship where he drove over two hours to pick me up from my Burlesque class so that we could spend the two hour drive back together, instead of that time being spent on the train by myself.
I felt protected and looked after when he would always take the road side when we were out together. At Notting Hill carnival or Glastonbury festival and other crowded spaces, he took the weight of the crowd for me. I could fully let go when out and about because I knew he was aware of our surroundings and in that way I felt very safe. Although in the relationship I felt emotionally unsafe I knew 100% that when out and if something happened that he would have protected me both verbally and physically.
I felt his desire to want to spend time with me when he would take the lead on organising nights out and the plans to get to and from places. He had great ideas and suggestions of new things to try and places to go, so from that place the relationship always felt ‘new’.
When I shared my upset at not having anyone to look after me after an operation he changed his plans and took time off work to be there for me and drive me all the way to his home to care for me and then bring me back to mine when I was able to walk - speaking to the part of me that felt cared for.
It was for all of those moments I chose to stay - even if the general feeling of my body with him was one of lack of safety. Walking on eggshells. Afraid to share, speak out, shine too brightly. I stayed for the moments of connection and deep love that were there in the smallest of moments as well as the larger gestures.
The issue was, my deep desire to feel chosen and wanted meant that I adapted and twisted myself into what I thought he wanted me to be, in a bid to be continually chosen, instead of fully choosing myself first.
I had called in that relationship. I was non-monogamous and wanted someone to fill the parts that my husband wasn’t filling. And I got exactly what I wanted.
I had forgotten to put on the list - safety and discipline, which I’ve since added. It’s why it’s important in dating to have clarity around what you want and stick to it. To have an intimate relationship with your inner-child so you can tend to him/her rather than outsource to other. To know who you need to become to get the relationship you want. To stay rooted like a tree in your values and have the flexibility like the branches to move with the wind so that you can meet the other where they’re at, to compromise when it’s required, to be flexible, but at the base, you are clear on who you are and you stay true to that.
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Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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