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Being The Chooser, Not The Chosen

Updated: Jul 11, 2022

I had a date recently.

The night before meeting, he messaged me to say he was off to the pub and I felt my heart sink. I thought to myself ‘here we go, I’ll get a message on Saturday morning that he’s too hung over to meet me’.

It took me back to my 20s and how I was always dropped by boyfriends for a night out and to get pissed with their mates. Then they’d come back expecting sex. And I did it, not wanting to. Thinking they might choose me next time. But they never did. So that evening I confided in my husband and he hugged me and supported me in my fear of not being chosen.

And I knew after that chat that I would not see him again if he turned up hungover or cancelled due to a hang over. I was going to break the cycle of not being chosen, by being the one choosing not to choose the other.

The next day he messaged to say he was leaving to say he was coming to meet me. I was surprised and also worried as my face was puffy from crying the night before. When we met up and I told him about my wound and what had come up for me…. He said that he purposefully only had one drink as he really wanted to meet me.

It feels like the cycle of shit men and bad relationships is breaking. And I’m the one ushering in that change. I’m claiming my worth. It’s like I’m being rewarded for the internal work I have been doing and have been rewarded.

I was chosen. It felt good. But what really felt good was that I had put myself into an empowered place too.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at


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