How To Trigger The Fuck Out Of People

Is this a war cry? Maybe! But I won’t allow myself to be silenced and controlled.

Being your authentic self will trigger the fuck out of people.

When you step into your own lane and do your thing your way it makes other people feel uncomfortable.

It shows where they are either not owning that part of themselves that you fully own, or it shows you their fears of not living authentically. It mirrors to them where they are not showing up in the way they would like.

Putting yourself out there, head above the parapet, triggers other people’s fear of being rejected. Play it small, stay safe so that you don’t become a target.

This was the messaging I got all my life.

When I was bullied incessantly from secondary school, university and various work situations for being a fun and vibrant person sharing her celebrations to the world it got me into trouble. So each time I stepped ‘back into line’.

After all the message I was getting from those closest to me was - don’t do anything to stand out, you become a target.

What would have supported my growth and development instead would have been - these people and this environment is too small for you. Find your tribe and find your people who fully celebrate you.

So when it became clear Friday night that the Telegraph article had been read by some of those closest to me I began to see it all in a different way to the past version of me.

Firstly let me explain the practical element of what happened - removed from groups, blocked on WhatsApp, a call which was hung up on and they removed themselves from groups we share where they are not admin. A letter through the post saying no-one from my household is to contact anyone from theirs.

The message is clear.

And this level of maturity is one that I have to navigate frequently when I don’t conform. There’s no calm grounded conversation or trying to understand what my purpose was. No mature sharing of how it landed for them.

No, in my area of the world we slam doors, sulk and give the silent treatment.

It’s a common way of control.

And it makes absolute sense that I ended up in relationships with similar levels of emotional maturity displayed. My nervous system used to the anxiety of not knowing what’s coming next. The feeling in my body of fear because of the disconnection and silence. Knowing that the shouting, anger and threats are on their way.

The thing is though now it’s a dual feeling. On the one hand it’s painful, the inner-child part of me desiring to be accepted fully for who I am and the amazing transformation I guide my men, women and couples through, that those closest to me begin to see me as a leader in supporting women in their transformation, a men’s advocate, bridging the gap of pain and feeling unseen by bringing men and women closer together - to learn to speak each other’s language.

The work I do in supporting people to release shame around sexual abuse as a child, adult from a supposed loved one. The work I do giving women permission to be able to live a life that’s true to them without the people-pleasing ‘good girl’ and for men the ‘nice guy’ conditioning meant to keep us small and in boxes.

They don’t hear the comments from past clients. Those who reach out to me privately in messages and kind words at a networking meeting from a woman who follows my socials and said how inspired she was by my content.

They don’t see any of that. And maybe in this lifetime they won’t. No matter how much I tell them about it or show them.

Not in the fullness of what that means to the lives of others - and my own!

So part of my lesson in all of this is being able to accept the fact they may never fully accept and see me, the amazing human I am and the amazing work I do.

As I write what I’m noticing and what’s interesting and of course ironic, is that Mel (the journalist) and I wanted people to see that so many of us live our lives for other people. Bending and twisting ourselves to other people’s ideas of who we should be.

All that does is shut us down. Makes us anxious (really - if you think you have mental health issues because you’re anxious, it’s more likely that you aren’t speaking up for yourself and being true to you. Search ‘anxiety’ in my website for articles around my own journey here).

Allowing ourselves to be controlled by the fears and expectations of others just makes us smaller. Disconnects us from our truth and intuition. We trust ourselves less and need the advice and approval of others more. And when there are so many conflicting ideas, it makes you feel even more anxious, unsure, doubtful because you have no compass - your life becomes one of trying everything or even worse - stuck, stagnant, not knowing which way to move because you’re frozen in indecision. This becomes your life and way of being. It’s exhausting and soul crushing.

The piece in the Telegraph wasn’t me ‘just’ talking about sex. My journey from repressed to rampant (maybe that could have been the title, haha!) was a message, a share, an invitation to look within at where we are hiding and dimming - through the medium of storytelling.

It was me talking about the things most people don’t. And do you know the problem regarding shame in sex? That it impacts our sex lives. We shut down and disown the sexual part of ourselves. And, when we do get problems, we are so ashamed and embarrassed because no one ever talks about sex that we don’t reach out or get help or support.

So, if I, a Sex, Love & Relationship Coach can’t talk openly and confidently about sex, then who the f*ck is going to?

If I wasn’t true to me I wouldn’t have attracted the clients I did and wouldn’t have guided them through their transformation. This is so much greater than me!

Playing small is not an option if I want to help as many people as possible. In fact, it would be selfish and a demonstration of my own desire to stay comfortable if I were to dim myself down. It’s my responsibility to show other women to no longer be the closed down, dimmed down, caged and repressed version of themselves that make others feel comfortable.

Explaining the situation to my children, they get it. Wow, one of my kids said, “I’m glad I’m a man” his response to my sharing that if a man slept with 100 women he would be seen as a stud, if a woman does the same she’s a slut. (Then having to explain what the term slut is.) They were confused as to why it’s different.

Which demonstrates… it’s all conditioning. It’s all based on the message we get. These ideas we have are not inherently within us. My children themselves see the lack of fairness in this. Let’s see if they can stay true to that as they age and also meet the pressures of their peers - I hope so, everyday their only task is to go into school and do something outside of their comfort zone and feel uncomfortable.

The alternative to hiding and ignoring who we are though is freedom. Freedom is the true ability to be able to ‘not give a fuck’.

I’m not talking here about being rude, aggressive or going out to hurt people.

I’m talking about the full acceptance that no matter what you do in life, someone, somewhere, is going to have an opinion on it that isn’t positive.

Let me repeat that for you…

No matter what you do in life, someone, somewhere, is going to have an opinion on it that isn’t positive.

And so… no matter how much you try to people please, make others happy, it still won’t be enough for them.

So the ONLY option is to do what lights you up. What feels good in YOUR body. What is heart-centred, pussy (or cock) centred play and power.

So…

I’m going to ask the next question - who the fuck are you?

And what do you REALLY want?

And I mean REALLY?

As in, if you could do something for you and know you would be fully supported what would it be? And I know some of you reading this don’t even know what you would do. You know why? Because you’ve spent so long living a life for others instead of being tapped into yourself!

You’ve played it small and then watched with bitterness and resentment as others lived out their dream life - and I know this feeling, because those were the feelings I had when I watched others doing things their way. Who wouldn’t conform. Who had the confidence to stand out and do it how they wanted.

We get so attached to our own thoughts and opinions that we make them our identity, about who we are.

And then? Well, when anyone has an opinion, thought or perspective different to ours it becomes a threat. It feels like a threat to who we are at a core level.

However, I invite you to take a moment and think, how many of the thoughts, opinions you have are ACTUALLY yours. When I reflect upon the judgements I used to have of other women many years ago who would have sex with whomever and whenever they wanted and not in the confines of a relationship I quietly viewed them as sluts. Now with the unravelling I have done, I now know that I needed to tell myself that to ‘justify’ disconnecting from my own sexual power. Those closest to me shamed powerful women. And praised those who were compliant and obedient.

I got the message, indirectly and I succumbed to their will in a bid to belong and fit in.

I know this resonates for so many of you. It may not be in the area of sexual expression, but it may be in how much you earn (I can’t earn too much because I risk making my family feel not good enough of inferior), I can’t ask for my needs to be met by those around me (in doing so I am too much and selfish)… whatever it is you are adapting to fit in and be liked.

And in the meantime you are separate from who you are and what your needs are.

So what’s on the other side of authenticity? Right now from my description of my experience it seems isolating and uncomfortable.

And, as much as the journey is true and there is constant testing for you to stay true to the authentic version of you, there is another side…

Let me tell you… since showing up as fully as I am (I personally believe this is part of the human process and journey, unravelling our trauma, conditioning from this life and past as a way of coming home to our true essence).

Since showing up this way I have called in my tribe. I have people who send me messages of support. Out of the blue. People I haven’t spoken to in years, inspired by my journey and encouraging me forward because they ‘get it’. They see the real version of me.

I have people fighting my corner, speaking out for me when I’m not there.

I have people who when I am not in rooms share their admiration for me and make referrals and references because they see how my own journey can inspire and motivate others.

I have people who when I need them show up - with care, love and fierce presence.

I have people who want me to shine even brighter, who don’t feel intimidated by my brightness who invite me into spaces and situations knowing that my brightness is what’s needed to light up rooms.

I am gifted with people’s generosity in so many ways a token of love and appreciation.

And…

I am so fricking grateful.

I own the journey I have taken. And while many do not understand me or they choose to misunderstand - because of what that mirrors back in themselves - I know I have no control over their thoughts, actions of opinions.

I never did.

I tried. I used to. The past version of me tried to control other’s perceptions by ‘fitting into the box they had created for me’.

But I don’t need to do that anymore.

I’m OK with being misunderstood and removing myself from people, places and things that are no longer aligned.

Not from a place of separation. Not of judging them as bad or wrong. But from a clear place of knowing that I no longer need to prove anything to anyone.

That it’s all about perspective.

It’s all about choice.

And I accept their choice of not wanting to accept me.

And that, my friend is what they mean when they talk about freedom.

I know some of you are ready to step into freedom - you can email me at hello@carlacrivaro.com to start your journey.

And… if you’re not quite ready and feel safer whispering into a safe container, I have a free WhatsApp group for women to share the parts of themselves that society might not feel ready for, again, just drop me an email to join - hello@carlacrivaro.com.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com. 

Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are:

Detox/'The Sacred Pause' from Sex & Relationships  

BDSM, Conscious Kink & My Inner-Dominatrix

The Sex Lectures: The Search For Inner-Power

Body Autonomy & Sexual Empowerment

Women - Your Sexuality, Your Power

Video: Let's Talk About Sex (And Why Most People Aren't)

The Touch That Taught Me To Receive 

I Have Some Confessions To Make 

A Great Man Isn't A Perfect Man

Choosing The Red Flags In A Relationship

Emotional Immaturity

The Price Of Silence

Embracing Discomfort: The Unlikely Path To Joy And Growth

Safety In A Relationship

Why We Don't Ask For What We Want

Unclear Expectations? Expect Disappointment

She's Faking It

Better Communication = Better Sex 

Disconnection To Connection 

How Saying ‘No’ In Sex Can Bring You To A Surrendered 'Yes! Yes! Fuck Yes!' 

"He Doesn't Think I'm Like That" 

"Women Get Bored With Sex In Long-Term Relationships"