Updated: Jul 11, 2022
Want better sex?
Change how you communicate outside the bedroom.
How to do that when your partner ‘doesn’t listen’ or ‘doesn’t understand’? You need to be the change if you want your relationship to change. This tree symbolises how far my husband and I have come in just over a year since my blowout of him not getting me anything or organising anything for my 40th birthday. A few days just after New Year I took down the Christmas decorations, boxed them up, put them away. The following day at dinner I noticed I hadn’t packed up the children’s tree. I casually mentioned to my husband
and kids that I forgot. Just as a comment. No intention behind it.
The following day I came downstairs and it’s packed up. In its box. I took a photo to write this post, and then I forgot to put the tree away and it got left there. The day after that the box with the tree was put away.
I didn’t need to ask. I didn’t need to nag. My husband just used his initiative and did it.
Women, I know you’ll be thinking my partner would never be like that, I’m telling you he can be. You need to give him the opportunity.
Men, I know some of you will be thinking, ‘more fool him’.
But! My husband doesn’t get nagged and he feels like a king in my presence.
The men are also probably thinking to themselves, ‘if I make the change, she just won’t appreciate it, so what’s the point?’
And that’s where we have stalemate.
Repeating the same patterns in our relationships.
Being triggered by the same issues, complaining about the same problems.
Not feeling seen.
No one wanting to change because the other needs to first. No one wanting to change because, ‘well, why should I when they won’t?’
It took me changing how I communicated with my husband about my needs that instigated the change. It could quite easily have been him though to make the start.
The thing is, if you make the change, your partner has to follow suit. It might not be immediately. Actually, I can pretty much guarantee it won’t. You may need to wait 3 months or so before you see them respond to you differently and treat you differently. The patterns you have yourself in right now are so ingrained that of course it will take time for the other to adjust!
Clearer communication of our needs and being responsible for our own triggers in a conversation is so important. Questions to ask yourself when talking to a partner…
‘What am I making this conversation mean about our relationship?’
‘What am I making this conversation mean about me and my worth?’
‘What am I making this conversation mean about how loved I feel?’
‘What part of this reality is actually real and what part is my inner-child showing up?’
But the rewards are there...
Women, you will have more time for yourself and self-care.
Men, you will have a sense of purpose and stop thinking I’m ‘not enough’ or ‘can’t do anything right’ and you will step up. With a new sense of purpose.
It will create more connection between the two of you. You will be able to communicate better and feel understood more. You will feel loved, worthy and appreciated. And if you can talk in a healthy way about how you feel about whose turn it is to do the dishes, well, you’ll feel more capable of bringing up what your desires are in the bedroom (or out of it!)
change the dynamic + change your communication = better sex!
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at email@example.com.