Why Divorced Women Are Choosing Younger Men
- Carla Crivaro
- 4 days ago
- 6 min read
Over the last few years I have had so many women in their 40s and 50s (and now more recently 60s) come to me.
They want to feel better about themselves. They’ve started the journey towards menopause (or crossing it) and the decrease in oestrogen means they are more focused on themselves.
While oestrogen was higher they would ‘let slide’ the things that bothered them in the relationship that were gradually building.
But the kids get older and with changes in hormones they ask themselves the question ‘is this what I really want?’
And so initially they reach out to their partners - requests for change, more connection, more understanding, more…
To their partners it’s stressful and overwhelming. It feels like constant demand and criticism - but their inability to sit and get curious and listen drives a wedge, further and further apart.
Her unmet and unheard requests are greeted with shut down and defensiveness and they chip away at her self-esteem and self-worth. Along with gradually building up more resentment and more anger as she goes unseen and uncared for.
So she’s sat there on Zoom pouring her heart out to me. I can tell she’s already made the decision - she’s just come to me as a last attempt at saying she’s tried.
But she’s worn down.
And once she breaks free from that cage and does the work to build her self-worth, a whole new way of being opens up to her.
Her time with me rebuilds her. She knows that what she was asking for she deserved and was worthy of. And as much as she’s disappointed that the marriage couldn’t work, she also has a new sense of freedom and aliveness.
The caged bird has spread her wings.
Then what next?
I have a number of women in my free WhatsApp community and female clients who found that with their newfound way of being in the world, their commitment to their health both mental and physical and their new dedication to their boundaries, clarity around what they will and won’t accept in another’s behaviour mixed with how they were treated in their marriage, means they are very clear on their path forward.
And so I’m finding it common place that many of these older women are dating younger men. And! It’s not for what you think. It’s not because of some hot toy boy fantasy - although, the fact that they look after themselves better than their husband did is a bonus.
What speaks to the women is a younger man’s emotional availability. Many of these men are self-aware, have done therapy/counselling/coaching. They are open to feedback and reflection.
And this isn’t a mother and son dynamic - which many complain they had with their husbands. These men take the lead in the relationship, they organise dates, make her feel cared for and very importantly they have the capacity to listen.
What do these younger men find attractive about these older women? Their confidence, their assurance in who they are.
What felt like to their husbands as ‘hard work’ and ‘difficult’ instead it feels like to these younger men as strength and sexiness.
These women no longer weighed down by the physical and mental load of the household, unappreciated and unacknowledged by their ex-husbands are lighter, more playful and more fun - a delight to the younger man.
This woman has learnt to embody her Mother Archetype - self-care, nourishing her mind, body and spirit to create safety in her body. She has good boundaries and knows what she needs to look after her health in a full 360.
The next is the Queen archetype, she has spent many years giving and is now ready to begin receiving. She has a vision for her future, has created standards and is now in a place where her self-worth is high to allow it all to come to her.
WIth those two archetypes creating a container of safety, love, power and vision the Temptress archetype can surface. The Temptress is connected to her innate wisdom. That of her own body. She listens to the sensuality within that wants to be expressed, is playful, fun, flirts with life and is connected to her eroticism and life force energy.
With these three switched on, a woman becomes magnetic, radiates and captivates.
With standards raised, she is clearer on what she will and won’t allow. So many women in their 40s/50s/60s who felt that in their relationship they had become the housekeeper. With younger men being brought up with more fluid gender roles the battle of trying to talk a husband about ‘fairness’ is no longer needed.
The divorced woman has spent so much time asking, pleasing, inviting their ex-husband to get support, change, get help - together or separate. And his head in the sand, although a reflection of his own fear, shame and wounds of ‘not good enough’ that he is unwilling to look at, it’s this very behaviour that left her exasperated, lonely and feeling that she wasn’t ‘enough’ for him to want to change - when it isn’t that at all.
It was his own stuckness. His own fears. Hoping that it would just go away. That things will somehow change. ‘It is what it is’. I hear men say.
And now, in comparison, she has a younger man willing to talk things through, has the skills of communication and listening, can see another’s perspective and not take it personally.
It increases her feelings of safety and capacity to soften and relax. To not want to nag and demand and insist. Which means in turn he feels respected and is able to meet her fully in her requests.
And although this has a ‘happy ending’ for many women. I do fear for the men. I frequently get in my LinkedIn inbox middle-aged men concerned about the lack of intimacy in their marriages. I work with men and I know that the lack of intimacy isn’t about the sex only, it’s actually about the feeling of closeness, the connection that they experience and feeling wanted. For them, intimacy is more than just the physical - although for many women on the receiving end of that it might feel ‘superficial’.
The reason I fear for men is I give them options for action. I share my self-assessment form, an opportunity for them to get clarity around their own behaviour, to get honest with themselves. Some I invite to calls. Some I continue to exchange messages.
And then… nothing.
No action.
Months later I get a message to say she’s filed for divorce.
The thing is, if your wife isn’t interested in intimacy then there is something deeper going on for her. This is the sign that something needs to change in the relationship. That he needs to be the one that takes action. He needs to begin leading and showing up.
Because if he doesn’t, she will.
In the US 69% of divorces are initiated by women and in the UK 63%.
And, in so many cases women are willing to walk away with less money in the bank than stay in a relationship that’s emotionally painful. They are willing to rebuild almost from scratch than stay in a relationship that no longer serves them. They just want out. A fresh start. To escape.
They come out feeling freer, a high self-worth and feeling so much stronger. Like they have dropped a weight.
This isn’t a warning.
It’s an invitation.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious seex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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