Updated: Jul 11, 2022
I was reminded recently on a card, ‘You aren’t for everyone’. I loved it. I spent many years people-pleasing and self-abandoning. Trying to be the wife that everyone told me I should be, trying to be the mother everyone told me I should be, trying to be the human that everyone told me I should be. But it kept me stuck and unsure of myself. Always second guessing every decision I made.
So I want to invite you to take a moment and say to yourself
“I am not for everyone”
If you take a breath and feel into that, it can feel really good. In a way that it completely takes the pressure off.
By pressure, I mean the pressure of trying to fit in, to say the right thing, to be someone that everyone likes and respects. It gives a sense of freedom, from the shackles of expectations.
If we take a look in the public eye, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, there will be some people who love you and some people who actually detest you.
And this is the case for everyone.
Everyone who has ever lived has experienced this. Even the peacemaker Gandhi - he wasn’t much liked by the British.
So what does this mean?
I invite you to stop trying to be what other people want you to be. No matter how much you try to adapt and change, there will be someone else who doesn’t agree with you, who doesn’t like who you are or what you do or how you show up. Who judge you.
I’ve talked before about our judgements of people. That when we judge someone or don’t like them, it is actually a reflection of our own shadows. Our own fears about accepting that part of the other person that we try so very hard to not accept. To hide from. So we project onto others that fear. You can read the full article on that here. Don’t let other people’s judgements determine who you are. Their judgements say more about their own fears about themselves than it does about you.
So what does it mean in sex, love and relationships to ‘not be for everyone’? It means that as long as we speak from our place of truth, with compassion for the other person, we cannot go wrong in attracting ‘our people’.
In my own journey I have found this. The closer I have got to being ‘me’ and being bothered less by other people’s perceptions of me, the more I have attracted people who love me and support me for exactly who I am and how I show up.
As we change in relationships, especially if we choose self-development and a growth path, the closer we get to our authentic expression of self, the further away we can feel from our partner. Our values can change, how we behave can change and our expectations on how we want to be treated can change. With this can come uncertainty from both parties. Uncertainty with whether the relationship is right for us and whether it speaks to us and fulfils us in the way it used to.
As humans we have the ability to change at any point we choose to. And I write about that choice here. So as you take the path of changing, questions can arise
‘Am I for this person and are they right for me?’
‘Am I for the friends I have around me or is the new version of me craving a connection which is more in line with the person I’ve become?'
‘Is the connection we have the same?’
The brave and difficult choice is what to do next. Do you hope and wait around that the other person becomes ‘someone for you’ or do you move forward on your own path with the inner-knowing that you will meet your people?
And what if you’re dating? We tend to have the need to hold onto people who show us what it feels like to be loved or have an interest in us. We need that sense of being good enough to be chosen. I write about being chosen and being the chooser here. Do we adapt who we are and what we want in order to cling onto a person, knowing that they are here with us for the idea of a person they have rather than who we actually are? And then, when we finally show them who we really are, if it isn’t aligned with them what next? We have created a situation where we are rejected for being the person we are. And that can be painful. It can hit those internal wounds of ‘not being good enough’ or maybe we were ‘too much’, that love isn’t meant for us in some way. Our inner-child returns to the stories it has and the behaviour it is so used to in these situations of pain and abandonment. The familiar ones which bring shame and then loneliness.
So if we learnt to be exactly who we are meant to be, if we embraced our weirdness and celebrated what was different about ourselves what would we see?
Well, life would still have its challenges, there would still be ups and downs, but our nervous system would feel more relaxed, a little safer. Because we have attracted the life and the people who see our weirdness and love that part of us. We no longer need to pretend and expend energy on holding it all together and living a life constantly on stage and playing the protagonist to a life in a parallel dimension to what it could be.
So when you choose to respond in a way that isn’t authentic to you, when you choose popularity and safety over your own authenticity you are choosing your own sense of prison, trapped in an environment and situation that isn’t meant for you. It isn’t yours. It belongs to those whose opinions, thoughts and judgements you allowed to control you.
So my invitation to you is to tell yourself ‘I am not for everyone’, relax into that. Remove the pressure and embrace your weirdness. Your people are waiting for you.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.