I expected other people to know what my needs were.
To know how I felt and what I was experiencing.
If I wanted something they should just automatically know what I want - if they loved me.
I felt like there was a constant search of looking for someone who knew how to meet those needs and was aware of them.
When they didn’t do what I wanted, it just supported the stories I had of myself of ‘not being considered’, not seen as ‘important enough’ in someone else’s life to realise what I needed. When I didn’t have those needs met, the stories my inner-child had were perpetuated. My inner-child is looking for that unconditional love. She wants to be seen, wants to be loved. She wants to be rescued. To be picked up and carried away and have all her needs taken care of. For ever and ever, like some fairytale.
My stories were frequently about not being enough and at the same time being too much.
In my growth I have learnt to ask for things. To not expect.
I have learnt to communicate what my expectations are instead of assuming. I verbally tell others, they can’t read my mind! But we do, and whatever expectation we have of a need to be met is our inner-child’s. This is a way to get to know her. What need are you looking for from others? What are your expectations of others? There lies the answer in getting to know her better.
On the flip side, I’ve also learnt that when other people aren’t asking for things then they are the ones that need to communicate. Let me explain…
My husband knows it’s important for me to have my walk in the morning and meditate twice a day, I need to be consistent with that to maintain my mental health. He has a choice of saying yes or no. If me leaving the children with him that time of day doesn’t work for him or his schedule then we discuss it and compromise. If it doesn’t work for him, for whatever reason then it’s his responsibility to come to me and say this isn’t working for me because of XYZ, if he isn’t communicating that, it’s his lack of communication and it’s not up to me to understand what his needs might be. It’s not my responsibility to suppose what he wants. He needs to come to me and say ‘I respect your need to go for a walk and I respect your need to meditate twice a day but it’s affecting me in this way so how can we compromise and both our needs be met?’
I’ve learnt this for myself. If I say yes to something and the circumstances change, or I don’t want to do it in the first place, or it isn’t viable and I want to change it, then I’m the one who needs to say - ‘I know I said yes but I’m now finding this isn’t working for me so id like to change it and make some suggestions.’
Both people need to be quite conscious to be able to communicate so openly. It can be difficult when you aren’t on the same conscious level, however, it’s still not your responsibility to try and guess and figure out what their needs are, it’s their responsibility to tell you.
And your responsibility to communicate yours!
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.