I thought I’d share insight into some of the things clients, workshop attendees, colleagues, friends and family share with me about their worries and concerns when it comes to sex, love and relationships.
Things that men worry about in sex, love and relationships
Worry about being liked on their first date
Ask themselves if they’re good enough
Worry if they are attractive enough
That she might not like me when she gets to see the ‘real me’
Ask themselves if they are ‘too much’
Wondering if in dating they should be texting frequently to show interest or infrequently so that the woman doesn’t think they’re desperate
Their performance in the bedroom
What they look like naked
Question whether their new partner is actually interested or waiting for someone ‘better’ to come along
Fear of abandonment manifesting in jealous behaviours and insecurity
If they are single and have children how that will affect their ability to find a relationship
Concern about being compared to past partners in the bedroom and generally in the relationship
Fear of messing up and losing the person he loves
Asking themselves if a woman will accept their flaws
Asking themselves why they have to put more effort in than women do
Feeling obliged to have sex when they don’t want to
Worrying if she is over her ex
Worrying about being too open and vulnerable after being hurt in previous relationships
Wondering if she’s being honest and faithful
Asking ‘am I there for entertainment or is she really interested?’
Concerned that he might become too attached and lose himself in the relationship
If I’m emotionally vulnerable will I get hurt?
Does the woman find them sexy and desirable
That it would be nice if the other person initiated sex sometimes
That it would be nice to be the one to initiate sex sometimes
That she’s looking for superficial attention to feel better about herself
That she is dating multiple men and you are number 3 on the list
Wondering if his technique is good or she’s just trying to make him feel good about himself
Wondering if his genitals are attractive
Wondering if he smells
Worried about being seen as needy and weak if opening up about his emotions
Worry about committing to a woman in case they let her down later on or can’t be what she needs/deserves
Can I trust them or will I get hurt like in the past?
Women only being interested in them because they’re attractive
Women coming onto them strongly because they’re attractive and not taking ‘no’ for an answer
Assuming just because you get on well with a woman that you want to have a relationship with them
Things that women worry about in sex, love and relationships
Worry about being liked on their first date
Ask themselves if they’re good enough
Worry if they are attractive enough
That he might not like me when he gets to see the ‘real me’
Ask themselves if they are ‘too much’
Wondering if in dating they should be texting frequently to show interest or infrequently so that the man doesn’t think they’re desperate
Their performance in the bedroom
What they look like naked
Question whether their new partner is actually interested or waiting for someone ‘better’ to come along
Fear of abandonment manifesting in jealous behaviours and insecurity
If they are single and have children how that will affect their ability to find a relationship
Concern about being compared to past partners in the bedroom and generally in the relationship
Fear of messing up and losing the person she loves
Asking themselves if a man will accept their flaws
Asking themselves why they have to put more effort in than men do
Feeling obliged to have sex when they don’t want to
Worrying if he is over his ex
Worrying about being too open and vulnerable after being hurt in previous relationships
Wondering if he’s being honest and faithful
Asking ‘am I there for entertainment or is he really interested?’
Concerned that she might become too attached and lose herself in the relationship
If I’m emotionally vulnerable will I get hurt?
Does the man find them sexy and desirable
That it would be nice if the other person initiated sex sometimes
That it would be nice to be the one to initiate sex sometimes
That he’s looking for superficial attention to feel better about himself
That he is dating multiple women and you are number 3 on the list
Wondering if her technique is good or he’s just trying to make her feel good about herself
Wondering if her genitals are attractive
Wondering if she smells
Worried about being seen as needy and weak if opening up about her emotions
Worry about committing to a man in case they let him down later on or she can’t be what he needs/deserves
Can I trust them or will I get hurt like in the past?
Men only being interested in them because they’re attractive
Men coming onto them strongly because they’re attractive and not taking ‘no’ for an answer
Assuming just because you get on well with a man that you want to have a relationship with them
As men and women, how we feel about ourselves and how we are perceived is pretty much the same. I find very little, if any difference to how a man feels compared to a woman. What I do know is different is the social conditioning. That women have the fortune to grow up being able to express themselves, talk about their emotions together and have a cry if they want to. Men have the fortune to grow up with the social impression that their decisions are often ‘rational’ and ‘just’, when in fact they are often behaving from a place of hurt too.
We are more similar than we think.
Next time you look in the eyes of the opposite sex I invite you to tell yourself ‘they feel the same as me’. This compassion for another human being makes their behaviour less about ‘us’ and our worth and more about understanding that everyone is doing the best they can with the layers of conditioning they have covering them.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.