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When There's Only One Path To Orgasm

Communication around sex is really important. Also understanding that we may have got into 'habits' around what brings us to orgasm is also important to acknowledge. This question that came to me had so many layers that needed unpacking. Here was the question...

"I've never had issues giving a man head until this specific partner. It has to be so specific and I feel like no matter how hard I try to follow instructions he just gets frustrated with me and then it turns into a whole ordeal and I don't know what to do. Now we are fighting because I was trying super hard and he expressed his frustration.

He will tell me nice and easy and I do it exactly like he says and then he asks me to stroke it and then takes my hand away and now I'm completely shut down. I feel extremely defeated. I do have jaw issues but never previously been an issue."

My reply...

First of all I would like to speak into the emotions that you are both experiencing around this issue. Our sexuality is at the very root of who we are as human beings. It is, so to speak, at the foundation of our authentic self. It carries all of our wounding and our growth around our relationship with ourselves and others. For this reason, sex can be quite loaded with so many of our internal insecurities.

No doubt your partner has many of his own emotions going on around this situation. Possibly 'failing' at not being able to enjoy pleasure and to show you how good you are at giving head. Frustration at wanting you to feel good about doing it but not being able to fully enjoy oral. Shame possibly that his pleasure may appear 'limited'. The possibilities are vast so my invitation here is to open up a conversation around this situation inviting him to explore about how he feels. As men tend to get into stories about things and not necessarily use adjectives around their emotions, my invitation would be to gently remind him to explore his feelings when he goes into story. It sounds like a lot of these feelings he's experiencing are being projected onto you. As valid as he is in his emotions, how he chooses to react to them and protect them onto you is not appropriate and your are well within your self-care to say to place a boundary of how you will and won't be spoken to.

For you, you have already expressed that you are feeling shut down about the situation. My invitation is to explore what this is bringing up for you too. What emotions are you experiencing? Can you feel where they are located in the body and be with them? What about what you are making this mean? What this question means is when you think about this situation, what stories are you telling yourself? That you aren't good enough? That you might lose him? Notice what the narrative is, as this narrative will be showing up in other areas of your life too. So here it's about learning that the stories that you created about yourself were once coping mechanisms that simply aren't true. At any time you can choose a new internal narrative.

From your explanation it sounds possible that your partner has learnt to experience pleasure in one way only. We can often find ourselves getting 'stuck' in our self-pleasure practices and sex. We know what works for us to get us to orgasm so we repeat it. Every time. The problem can. be, this is the same for women too, is that it limits our pleasure potential. It limits our abilities for new experiences and exploration.

So my invitation for your partner is to shake up his self-pleasure practices so that he can experience pleasure in lots of different ways and not just one way. Changing the places he touches himself and the order. Changing the type of touch and the pressure. Exploring where he starts, how he proceeds and his finish.

My invitation is also to remove the goal of orgasm. I know this can feel frustrating initially, but doing so means it takes any 'performance anxiety' out of his solo play or partnered play. This pleasure practice is just that, practicing the art of connecting to pleasure. Trying different parts of the body. Inviting him to take his breath to the areas you are touching. Where have you not touched him before but would like to explore? It's an opportunity for you both to have fun and get curious. For both of you to unlearn everything you ever thought about your own bodies and sex and see what is possible.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at


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