Updated: Jul 11, 2022
A woman in my community contacted me recently for advice...
Hi Carla, I hope you don't mind me sliding into your dms. I wanted your opinion. How do we increase libido? I’m almost never (!) turned on. I respond to pleasure, like, yes things can feel good but I’m never really 'in the mood'. I do have some sexual trauma and low self esteem at the moment so I know that’s not helping my confidence in the moment.
Any advice welcomed, please help before this becomes an issue in my relationship.
Here was my reply!
Hi ! If you’re in a long-term relationship and identify as a woman, what you are experiencing is totally normal. Most women after 1-2 years in a relationship get ‘bored’ of sex. They aren’t getting fulfilled then blame the fact they have low libido. If you went into this current relationship with a higher libido than now then it’s likely this is what’s happening. I wrote about this more in my article "Women Get Bored With Sex In Long-Term Relationships".
If you think that it isn’t that and you’ve never had a high libido my invitation to you is:
Look where you can bring in self-care practices (stress and tiredness can impact libido)
Are you good with boundaries or do you self-abandon? If you self-abandon you can feel resentment, which isn’t sexy
Dance naked to see and get in touch with your body and your sexuality
Self-pleasure, to want more sex we need to have more sex so sex with ourselves can help us overcome this
Look at and speak kind words to your pussy. If she feels good about herself she’ll communicate to you when she’s ready for action. Opening up the dialogue and create that connection. A lot of women are disassociated from their pussy.
Work on any sub-personalities you have which may be blocking your access to pleasure because it isn’t ‘safe’, you won’t ‘belong’, you won’t be ‘loved’.
Dearmoring the sexual trauma
Regarding your relationship…
Have an open conversation about how you’re feeling. Any pressure to perform will put you more off sex and will get you more in your head about it
Opportunities for physical intimacy without sex to again remove the pressure
Look to increase pleasure in the bedroom removing all expectations of it finishing in penetrative sex
I also like to recommend the 3 minute game to clients. Promoted by Betty Martin, the idea is that you are learning to communicate your desires for how you want to receive touch and how you want to give it. You also learn how to receive requests for a different type of touch or for touch to stop. You can view Betty Martin's explanation on YouTube here.
Here’s some ideas. Let me know how you get on.
Best of luck lovely
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.