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Sexiness Is A State Of Mind, Not A State Of Body

Updated: Jul 11, 2022

Many of us fear getting old. The wrinkles, putting on weight, grey hair… Western society really celebrates youth. Sexiness in the media is a young person who likely attends the gym. A sleek figure if they’re a woman and a ripped torso if they’re a man.

So bearing this in mind, when we get old, does that mean that we are no longer sexy? No longer attractive?

I would say for most people confidence comes with age. An inner-wisdom and knowledge about how the world works and a more assured place of what one’s position is within it.

So with that in mind, why do people externalise their sense of attractiveness and sexiness? Why do they ‘outsource’ it?

I see frequently on dating apps men writing their height on there. I asked one of them recently why this was. He told me women wanted to know so he put it on his bio upfront so they could see his height and not ‘waste each other’s time’. So I’m a short 163 cms (5 foot 3). Most people tend to tower over me, so I haven’t really ever paid attention to the importance of height. So I asked some of my taller friends and clients about this. The explain that a man who is the same height or shorter ‘makes them feel less feminine and sexy’.

And then it happened to me. I met a man who was maybe a centimetre shorter than me when I had my shoes on. So I got to experience for myself what it felt like to be with a man the same height or shorter. Although I was very much aware of the height difference as very few adults (and teenagers!) are similar in height or smaller than me, I didn’t feel less sexy.

I’m attributing this to my own internalised sense of sexiness. It’s something that I spent a lot of time working on over the summer and I’ll be sharing some tips below. The thing is, we have been told by the media and society what sexy looks like. That we need to be a certain height or weight to be sexy. Or it’s someone else and their behaviour that ‘makes me feel sexy’. For sure there can be people’s behaviour that can dampen your connection to your sexiness, then my question here would be, ‘do you need someone in your life like that?’

You see, my argument is, sexy isn’t a state of body, it’s a state of mind. It’s how you feel about yourself. How you carry yourself. It’s an internalised sense of self.

If we always look to our bodies and external elements to ‘make us feel sexy’ then as we age and become wrinkly and things head south, etc do we just give up on pleasure altogether and sit waiting for the inevitable?

I know lots of women who are living their best sexy lives in their 40s, 50s and 60s. Because they don’t allow society to tell them what is sexy and what isn’t. They embody sexiness.

And with sexiness comes confidence, charisma, attunement to the body, a sense of safety within and trusting how it moves.

So with all that said, how can we begin to find sexiness within ourselves? How can we get in touch with that part that lives within us? And it is there, I promise. It’s just possible you haven’t found a way to connect to it yet.

So here they are, some tips to help you connect to your innate sexiness that’s waiting to be unleashed:

Notice your judgements about others - notice where your shadow parts are showing up. The parts of you which judge another person are your teachers and in this case it will likely be other women you are judging. Maybe it’s how they walk, talk, dress, etc. Where there is criticism, there is a signal that there is a part of ourselves we are suppressing and not allowing to come forth, for possibly fear or shame or some other low vibrating emotion. An example could be judging a woman for wearing a low cut top. Maybe here your judgment is ‘slut’ or she’s ‘asking for it’. Whatever the judgement might be it’s a reflection of a part of you that you are rejecting. For example, could it be that you hold shame around your breasts and your relationship to them? Would you like to have attention from men but fear that you won’t be respected? Maybe you would like to wear different clothes to what you normally do but feel trapped in a persona you have created about yourself that you don’t actually resonate with? I talk abut my experience with shadow work in What Your Judgements Of Others Can Teach You and Celebrating My Fear Of Failure And My fear of Success.

Sexy activities like a boudoir shoot - I recently did a boudoir shoot. To fully inhabit my sexuality, my sexual nature and ‘allow’ myself to fully be my sexy, sexual self. The photographer Emma from Lace And Pearl, commented how comfortable I was with my own nudity. And with a wrinkly post baby belly, it has taken some work to get there. My instructions re post-production of photos were, ‘please don’t airbrush out my tummy, it took me a long time to be at peace with it’. I fully accept that this part of me is there and has been part of my journey of self-development - I have learnt so much about myself being a mother.

Listen to your own thoughts and judgements about yourself - women have been trained to fear their power and their potential. Our sexuality and full expression of it is extremely powerful in giving us confidence, enabling us to make decisions and many of us have the hangover from ‘The Burning Times’. This was when women were called witches for speaking out, doing their own thing, healing with plants and herbs, etc This need to not stand out and speak up has become such a part of who we are in our make up as women. So the invitation is here; where are you making yourself small? Where are you afraid to shine your light because you are concerned that other women will judge you for ‘outshining’ them? Did you know that actually, when you shine your light and step out as the amazing authentic woman you are, you are actually giving other women permission to shine their light too? Begin to notice those thoughts that come up in your head about ‘not being enough’, ‘being too much’… Did you know that your thoughts aren’t actually you and you can change them anytime? They are stories that you have picked up about yourself since childhood, like an unconscious programming and you return to them each time you are challenged to do or behave differently. Instead they keep you trapped in the same cycle. Listen and observe those thoughts - but know that they are not you!

Sexy activities like dancing naked - close the door, put your favourite sensual or sexy music on and move your hips. The Taoists believe that sexual energy (Jing) lives in the lower part of our bodies, working with this energy enables us to convert it to Chi (life force energy). So moving your hips, touching your body, seducing yourself in the mirror, looking at your beautiful body in all her glory will enable you to really begin to appreciate and fall in love with what you have. If you notice thoughts popping up which aren’t very kind, head back up to ‘Listen to your own thoughts and judgements about yourself’ further up the list and work on that.

Reconnecting to your pussy - I’ve written about this before so won’t go into too much detail here. (Further reading on this topic - 10 Tips To Creating A Better Relationship To Your Pussy and The Path To Your Feminine Power - Your Pussy). If you haven’t read those articles yet, a summary is, our pussy is our womanhood, any shame or discomfort around this part of the body will seep into how we feel about ourselves. It affects our ability to tap into our pleasure and fully embody it. Which takes me onto the next…

Pleasure - where are you looking to experience pleasure in your life? Do you take your time when eating to fully taste everything that you are experiencing or are you rushing to finish to move onto the next thing? What about washing yourself in the shower or bath - are you giving yourself a quick scrub or connecting to the sensation of the water over different parts of your body and allowing yourself to fully feel and experience the touch? What about self-pleasure? Frequently self-pleasuring can be supportive to our libido and to connecting to our pussy. Sensual and sexual touch and taking the time to be with our own bodies releases hormones which put you in a more high vibrational state.

Sexy activities like burlesque dancing or sexy pole dancing - I have recently started attending classes for burlesque at Inversion Pole & Aerial Fitness. I have found some amazing women in the class who are also looking to connect to their sexuality. Learning new moves, the art of seduction and sensual movement feels so great to my body. And women here are celebrated for being at their most sexual and expressive self. It’s a beautiful supportive container created by the teachers which gives us the space to really explore how the body can move. It gives me an element of trust into how to move the body in a way that feels confident and sensual.

Boundary setting - I’ve written a lot about boundaries and boundary setting so again I won’t go into the details here. You can have a look at other articles I’ve written about boundaries like this one here. Boundaries are important because they enable us to protect our energy and how we want to be treated. If we communicate how we want to be treated to others we are each time validating that we are worthy and deserving of respect. With respect for self comes feeling good about ourselves. When we feel good we can tap into our sexiness. Articles relevant - Why We Struggle To Set Boundaries and How Saying 'No' In Sex Can Bring You To A More Surrendered Yes! Yes! Fuck Yes!

Self-care - with this I don’t necessarily mean trips to the spa, although they can help. Self-care is about placing boundaries, taking time out to do what nourishes us and supports us mentally and physically. This can be anything from tidying the house and decluttering so the space feels more welcoming, it can be walks out in nature, reading that book you bought and not got round to reading. My invitation is to put your phone down and look where you could be using this time to bring in self-care instead.

Diet and exercise - they might seem obvious but when your body isn’t feeling nourished from nutritious food and you aren’t moving, you tend to feel sluggish, suffer from aches and pains and not feel at your best. Lots of emerging research is also showing the link between diet and exercise and mental health so there’s no surprise that what you eat and how you move will have an effect on how sexy you’re feeling.

Clothes and your image - I’ve written an article about how we dress is how we want to be seen in the world and you can read the full article here. The general idea being that each item we choose to wear or not to wear is an indication of how we feel about ourselves. It doesn’t need to be a little black dress, but choosing a clean top over a stained one with holes will inevitably determine how you feel about yourself throughout the day. Read more at How We Dress Is How We Want The World To See Us.

Nature - we are at the very foundation as human beings, sexual and nature. Being in tune with the animalistic parts of us, the nature within, means we are better equipped to regulate our nervous system, tune into our bodies and give them what they need, move and sound with less inhibition and in a way that is supportive to our somatic health.

Breast massage - women are surrounded all the time about messages regarding our breasts. How big or small they should be, what they should look like, how they should move, etc. Maybe we’ve let people touch them when we haven’t wanted them to, possibly we have emotions or traumas around our breasts that influence how we feel about our own womanhood. When we are invited to explore our breasts it’s normally to ‘look’ for cancer or health problems. Messages also include how they are for other people’s enjoyment or nourishment but we are rarely, if ever, taught or shown how to have a more loving relationship with our breasts. It’s no wonder that many women have a broken relationship to their breasts. Regular breast massage can be supportive in developing that new relationship with your breasts. In Taoist tradition breast massage is considered important to health as they believe it affects the pineal, pituitary and thymus glands. The breasts also being close to the heart and lungs, when supported, can process impatience, hastiness, cruelty and sadness and grief, respectively. I talk about my own relationship with my own breasts in Women - Let's Talk About Breasts.

These are just a handful of ways that I myself and my clients have learnt to connect to the sexiness within.

Your sexiness is what you emit, it’s what you are from the inside out. It’s a state of mind, not a state of body.

What do you do to connect to your sexiness?

How sexy are you feeling today?

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at



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