Updated: May 31
What can be blocking us from fully allowing ourselves to 'let go' in sex? I was asked recently by a man around his experience with blowjobs...
"I think I can count, like, one time in my life that I orgasmed from getting head. Dunno why. I sure like it, but it just hasn’t happened. Any thoughts?"
Quite often a lot of people can hold low vibration emotions around certain aspects of their sexuality. Low vibration emotions can be insecurity, shame, aversion, guilt, disgust, embarrassment, confusion, etc.
A lot of these low vibration emotions can come from social conditioning and they can also come from a past experience that wasn’t supportive to the nervous system.
Information that I share with you, may not necessarily specifically relate to you, it’s more about understanding the way our bodies work and the ‘triggers’. For you to then go away and figure it out for yourself or seek support should you feel guided to do so.
Social conditioning and adverse experiences can have an effect on how our body-mind responds to situations. We can inadvertently learn coping mechanisms which in some way ‘protect’ us from ‘pain’. And this is applicable not just in sex, but also in our relationships with others and our relationship with ourself.
First of all unpacking oral sex - quite often a lot of men receive the message from society that only slutty women give head, or only a slutty woman will swallow. These messages which our nervous system integrates as true, but our cognitive brain understands is a falsehood, means that if a man is receiving head from a woman who he really admires and loves, ejaculating in her mouth would be disrespectful. So his body doesn’t feel ‘safe’ to be able to do so. This can be quite deep and ingrained and requires a lot of self-awareness and really working through your sexuality to be able to arrive at which message from society have you embodied (unconsciously) to be true.
If we are looking at situations which can prevent a man from orgasming from a blowjob, a previous experience can have an effect such as (but not limited to!):
A woman commenting on the taste
A woman choking/gagging in an unexpected way
A look, grimace, body language (eg contraction), expression from the woman that the man might not have recognised cognitively but the nervous system recognised
Ejaculating ‘too soon’ -and the shame, discomfort, embarrassment around that
It may be that cognitively that you cannot recall a specific moment in the past or a specific message you have received from society, because this is one of the things about patterns, they are such a part of us that being able to identify them can be difficult. Especially because there may be self-denial and certain coping mechanisms we have ‘created’ to protect us from going there.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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