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How NOT To Touch A Vulva

I’m in a few sex positive groups and often come across the laments of women who complain about where and how they get touched by men. I decided to create a list of my most favourite and the most common ones. I’ve also included a little description as well as to why that might not be so pleasurable.

What we have to remember though is that all women are different, and there will be some from this list that some women will like. If you’re unsure, then just ask! Some of these are what they want you to do, and some are what they don’t want you to do.

“I don’t like being fingered without any thought of how it feels for me”

When playing with a vulva bring all your presence to your partner. Notice her body language and sounds she might be making (or not). If you aren’t sure ask for direction or feedback and don’t take it personally if you are being redirected - it isn’t personal. The tissue around the vulva is reasonably sensitive and delicate - just think how you would treat the head of your cock when the foreskin is pulled back (for those who are intact), how do you want that part of your cock being touched?

“Don’t slap my clit”

“Rubbing my clit like you’re a superstar DJ”

This is a porn move that I hear a lot of men bring into the bedroom over the last couple of decades and I have seen this move at play parties too. This move is for the male gaze in porn, and unless a woman is into kink/BDSM and this is a specific kink of hers, it’s very likely this won’t go down well. A clitoris requires gentle touch. For some women, direct touch on the clitoris is too much and they prefer stimulation on the hood or the labia (lips) close to the clitoris. An orgasm can be ‘forced’ out of a clitoris from more firmer pressure, however, it’s likely to bring only one orgasm and not multiple as more often than not an orgasm after firm stimulation can make the clitoris super sensitive.

“Attempting to force something in without getting me warmed up first”

“Paying no attention to where I am at”

“Going straight to fast and hard without tuning into my body”

“Don’t be in such a rush for nipples and clit - touch other parts of the body first”

“Turn on takes time”

In Taoism they say that male sexual energy is like Yang - fiery, hot and quick. Women’s sexual energy is like Yin, so is cooler and takes time to warm up. Forcing something into a pussy until she’s ready will cause her to tighten. If you are really able to get in tune with her pussy and get her really turned on, when you put an object or your fingers to the entrance you will be able to feel a pull inwards - that’s when you really know you have her hot for you!

“Ask before entering”

Asking for consent and permission before being entered feels really sexy. It brings to a woman the autonomy and control over her own body. So rather than something being done to her, she is engaged in what’s happening to her too. It feels thoughtful and her body is being respected and considered. Who doesn’t want to feel all those things - they are in themselves a turn on!

“Don’t play with her dry”

The tissue of the vulva is delicate, imagine the head of your cock (without the foreskin) being rubbed without lubrication - that’s exactly what a woman experiences when she is dry. Women who have gone through the menopause will not have the same natural lubrication as when they were menstruating. Some women who are still menstruating also do not get very wet - wetness is not a sign of how aroused a woman is sexually. Wetness is an automatic response of the body preparing for sex, but this does not mean she is psychologically ready or sexually turned on, this is called non-concordance. So when playing with a vulva, ensure there is plenty of wetness with lube, note that spit might not always be enough. Think ‘slippy slidy’ when playing with a vulva.

“I hate it when men expect to not use a condom without having a conversation around it”

It’s everyone’s responsibility to practice safer sex. Have the conversation beforehand if you prefer not to use condoms, but under no circumstances pressure someone to potentially put them at risk of disease - that’s just not sexy.

“Consent and boundaries”

“Continuing to do something I’ve said no to”

“I’m not a porn star willing to have anything done to my body”

“Spitting on my pussy makes me feel like trash”

“Get your hands off my goddam throat FFS”

Talk about sex. Be clear on what you both do and don’t want to do and have done to you. Getting clarity about what you want to experience, what feels good and what gets you off can be a great way to get the juices going. It also means that there aren’t any sudden shut downs during play because you are both on the same page. It makes it easier for you both to relax and removes any pressure of ‘performance’.

“I’m not interested in what your last girlfriend liked”

“Not taking feedback on adjustments to make the touch more pleasurable”

Every woman is different in how they liked to be touched. If a woman says that she doesn’t like something or would prefer it in a different way, trust her. She knows her own body. If there is something you want to explore for your pleasure, have a conversation about it outside the sexual container. The invitation is not to take the direction personally, if this upsets you, maybe some journalling or reflection about what the feedback brings up for you - feelings of inadequacy? Rejection? Where are those thoughts coming from and where else in your life are they showing up?

“Pushing on my bladder to get me to squirt”

Squirting and female ejaculation happen from stimulation on the g-spot, for some women the a-spot. You will hear a sloshing sound before a woman is about to squirt. For both squirting and female ejaculation a lot of g-spot stimulation is required and she needs to be aroused and turned on. Yes, squirting and ejaculation are two different things.

“Asking if I’ve cum”

It’s great that you want your woman to experience pleasure and we aren’t saying that orgasm isn’t a good thing. What we’re saying here is that if you are getting a woman to orgasm because you want to feel better about yourself, that makes our pleasure all about you and not about us. Are you pleasuring a woman because you are playing and it is part of the fun and connection around sex, or is it to build your ego because you are an insecure lover who feels they have something to prove?


Check in first with what a person likes or doesn’t like. Especially with kink and BDSM practices it’s important to be clear on limits and desires, also acknowledging that they can change at anytime and that change is to be respected.

Communication is key - for better sexual experiences for everyone, overcoming your shyness, placing boundaries, respecting other people’s boundaries, voicing your desires and tuning into whether the other’s desires feel good to you to is important to having healthy, juicy and delicious sex.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at

Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are:


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