Updated: Jul 11, 2022
I was asked recently why I chose in my tagline the word ‘delicious’ to pair with the word ‘sex’, when I could have chosen words such as ‘mind-blowing’, ‘amazing’ or ‘unforgettable’, or (insert your own adjective here).
In my coaching, it isn’t for me to say to people what their goals and desires should or shouldn’t be. Of course, people come to me looking to solve a problem. Normally there is something they want to ‘correct’ in some way. How they want to get there and how they see themselves reaching that goal is theirs. The empowerment lies in people figuring out for themselves what their desires are and then together with the tools I have, we work towards them.
So when it comes to people’s desires in sex, what they are can be so very completely different from one person to the next and it totally depends on where they are in their own journey with their body, their sexuality, working through shadows, exploring shame and a whole manner of other elements that can show up in the process.
There are a variety of goals people come to me with regarding delicious sex. An idea of some of them are here:
Women who are looking to orgasm as they struggle to do that frequently and the reasons for that can be varied
Men can be looking to last longer in the bedroom
For some women tuning into their sense of sexy self can be what they need to bring more into their sexual experiences as I discuss in Sexiness Is A State Of Mind, Not A State Of Body
Maybe someone is really in tune with their bodies and looking to see where they can next take themselves in their own sexual exploration and see what is available to them and what are the possibilities out there but there is something holding them back from fully allowing themselves to imagine. I talk more about why some people can have blockages with regards to desires in the article Why You Don’t Have Desires In Or Outside The Bedroom
Exploration of what is possible in the body with regards to pleasure, in society we tend to limit our pleasure to certain parts of our genitals when we have our whole bodies to explore
People might be looking to experience a state of surrender
How to navigate sex when a couple of different likes and dislikes
Power play dynamics are interesting as people can explore themselves and create self-awareness around their own limitations and are a great way to learn excellent communication skills
Whatever it is that you desire, it is your own particular flavour that you are looking to experience. As individuals our tastes vary and what one person likes or can digest is completely different to the next person. It isn’t for me to prescribe what a person should be wanting to achieve. The desires and goals for sure have to align fully with a person’s values and it needs to come from a place of self-worth and empowerment and not because they feel they are being pushed into it by someone else. So working through those goals, exploring the unique taste and flavour that an individual is looking to experience is where I come in.
We explore parts of themselves which are fearful they might not be loved, belong or be safe if they connect to that unique flavour. Maybe part of why they aren’t having the sex they want is because of struggles in communication which I explore in Better Communication = Better Sex and He Doesn’t Think I’m Like That. We take a look at how the nervous system responds to different ideas and goals the client might have. We explore the parts of themselves that are empowered and ready to move forward and the client with home play practices learns to fully embody that empowered piece.
We get clear on the flavours, textures, the visuals, the fragrances, the sensations, the sounds, the emotions, that they long to experience. Which is their own unique essence. Their authentic expression of their sexuality. Their individual flavour. What delicious means to them and how they want to explore that and embody it.
So now I ask you…
If you gave yourself the space to imagine what sex could be for you, what flavour would you choose?
What might be holding you back from experiencing that?
How can you learn to hold yourself in potential shame or fear?
If you allowed yourself to imagine, what does delicious sex mean to you?
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.