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Shutdown From Pleasure

Some women have found that excessive use of vibrating and clitoral sucking sex toys has led to a desensitised clitoris. That the body all of a sudden does not experience pleasure anymore. The orgasms stop. Below I have written a guide and process to reconnecting to your vulva and clitoris and a way to change your relationship to your genitals.

My initial invitation if you experience this is to hold yourself in the current emotions that you are experiencing.

Maybe exploring through journalling what your emotions are around your experience of loss of sensation. In these situations it’s common to get into a narrative of the body letting us down in some way. So tuning into your experience and allowing yourself to feel it. Where can you feel it in your body? How do you want to move or sound to express those emotions? Know that your feelings are so valid.

Acknowledging emotions, naming them, experiencing them and allowing the energy of them to move through us enables them to pass through and not stick around for us to hold onto. When we bypass what we are feeling we are in fact just trapping them in for them to surface at another time.

Once you have fully explored your emotions it's time to create a connection to your whole vulva. For the following suggestions it’s good to create a ritual space at it sends a signal to the primal part of the brain that what we are about to do is filled with intention and purpose and that in itself can be powerful to healing and empowering ourselves.

My invitation is to put your hand on your vulva, takes some breaths into the belly. After taking a few breaths into the belly then take the breath into the vulva and listen to what she wants to tell you. This is for you to begin to create a new relationship with her. As you exhale see if there is any sound that your vulva needs to express - and sound it. Once this feels complete the invitation is to imagine a ball of light from your heart that you send to your vulva with affirmations and telling her how you want her to feel moving forward.

Quite often with our bodies, we can have a relationship with them where we push parts of them to give us something. We can have a relationship of ‘taking’. We can have a relationship from our vulva of one that needs to provide us with pleasure.

So reconnecting with these parts of your body and begin listening to what they need to feel safe and loved. How you can treat them differently in the future?

Regarding your pleasure, once you have established a new relationship with your vulva, my invitation would be for self-pleasure practices that you create a ritual space, place your hand on your vulva and ask her how she would like to be touched or stroked. If it’s a yes to being touched move forward. If it’s a maybe finding out what she would like for the experience to feel safe. If it’s a ‘no’ honour that and look to pleasure yourself in different places such as running your hands through your hair, touching your breasts, exploring your thighs. Giving yourself the opportunity to experience erotic and sensual sensation on other parts of the body.

Continue with this every time you go to touch your vulva. Be mindful of ensuring that she is ready for touch. Listen.

As your connection to your vulva begins to build, my invitation is to create an intimate dance with your vulva where with curiosity you begin to explore her again. Noticing the touch she responds to and honouring any that doesn't feel good or safe right now. Moving forward into a pleasure practice the invitation is always to explore pleasure. I know the temptation to quickly 'rub one out' is there but this disconnection is what can affect so many women's access to pleasure. Chasing the orgasm can become a way to satisfy a hole or a gap in our lives in someway. So returning to being present with the body, asking what you can do for her and listening.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at

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