Throuples, Polyamory, Open Relationships

I was asked by a journalist recently about the increase in throuples here in the UK and about my work with people in non-mongoamous relationships. You can see what I shared with her here.

I have seen a lot of interest in non-monogamy Particularly women 40s plus who are unsure whether to stay in their current relationship, or if they want to explore other romantic and sexual connections outside of their relationship. I run women’s circles ‘Let’s Talk Sex’ and many of the women who join identify as non-monogamous in some shape or form whether that is polyamory, solo-polyamory, in an open relationship or other dynamic such as throuples.

When it comes to non-monogamy and open relationships I ask the question is it really a new thing or is it that we are braver now talking about it? There is a lot of evidence to suggest that it has been around a long time, in our most recent history examples include Frida Kahlo the Mexican artist and Virgina Woolf here in the UK. Non-monogamy was very much something explored by the ‘creatives’ people who thought differently and ‘outside the box’, who through their art challenged social expectations on various levels.

I know people in my community who are open publicly about non-monogamy are 'on the fringes' and are the ‘creatives’ of our time. I do know however, that there are people who are considered more ‘mainstream’ who are practicing non-monogamy quietly, without even their closest friends knowing about it. I’m privy to this information because people feel comfortable sharing it with me because they know I won’t be judging them. There is definitely a fear of judgement from friends, family and the community at large. There are possible work implications for people in roles that are client and public facing too by sharing about their romantic and sexual dynamics. I believe it’s so much more widespread than we realise - it’s just people are keeping it private.

Why people are choosing non-monogamy - there is so much more awareness now about differing relationship structures. Articles such as this one, podcasts, books, TV programmes, etc that it gives people the opportunity to imagine what else is out there, what other possibilities exist. Humans are curious by nature, we like to experiment and try new things and so this innate human instinct opens the door for those of us vulnerable enough to ask the question ‘what else is out there and available to me relationally and sexually?’ They can go on a journey of self-discovery.

It’s easier to connect with people via dedicated platforms and apps such as FetLife, FabSwingers, Feeld and OK Cupid as some examples. In the past it would have been more of a risk to approach another person or couple. The internet has given people an opportunity to connect to a community of likeminded individuals and couples without the risk of people in their own network finding out. These communities generally operate under unspoken codes of respect, acknowledging that outside of the community their involvement isn’t shared.

I have worked with people who are individuals in a throuple. We have worked with specific challenges around communication  and the personal sefl-development that’s involved in navigating these relationships. These are the challenges that they have had to explore and work with..

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The most obvious one is jealousy - when two people of the throuple get to spend more time with each other on dates by themselves, sexually it can bring up difficult emotions. What we need to recognise is that we can experience jealousy anyway, even in monogamous relationships. The ‘benefit’ with this challenge is that people in this dynamic are more open and honest about how they are feeling - it brings the discussion to the surface instead of hiding it which often happens in monogamous relationships. Here, it’s not about everyone else fully changing what they do to stop the other person feeling jealous, oftentimes the person with the jealousy needs to feel validated and cared for in their experience. Sometimes, as in any relationship, including monogamous ones lives can get busy and we can not be connected to our partners in a way they want or need. I have supported people to explore this jealousy in our coaching container and then made suggestions on how to bring this to the other people in the relationship.

Making sure everyone’s needs are met. We can find it difficult as individuals to understand what our own needs are and share those. When we have the feelings of another person to consider it can be a challenge. If we layer another person’s on top of that it requires skill to be able to sit down and listen carefully to each person’s request and bid for connection. I have worked with people in throuples for them to get clear on what their needs actually are, what it is under the surface that they are needing so that they can go and ask for it.

How open you are about your situation can impact your social calendar. Not all people in this dynamic let their work colleagues or family know. What this means is that two of the three can be seen as the ‘main’ or ‘primary’ partners who get invited to weddings, relatives at Christmas and similar and the third person can end up feeling left out. This is why it’s so important as a society that we begin to accept relationship dynamics that are outside convention so that people in non-traditional dynamics are considered for social events and accepted. Here I have supported individuals in how to have these conversations, looking at different ways to ensure no one feels left out and how to encourage where possible that people be more open about their relationship arrangement so that it’s clearer for family and friends around social occasions. Most of the time people are reasonably supportive, curious of course and intrigued.

What are the ethical concerns of the ‘unicorn’ and the established partner -

Throuples often form from two people already together and one person coming into the group. This can mean that the ‘original’ two can see themselves as hierarchical and ‘primary’ and the second person as the ’third’. It’s important to be clear that for a throuple to work well and fairly that everyone is seen as a ‘priority’ - that there needs to be flexibility because at some point one person may need more support than others, so being able to adapt to the ebb and flow of people’s lives and needs. I have worked with both someone ‘coming into’ the throuple and one of the ‘original’ people of the relationship. Both feeling a little on the outside, not important enough, etc. Language is really important here so that it feels equitable. There can be a desire for the established partner to hold onto their place in the relationship as a priority and also that the person coming into the relationship is for the ‘entertainment’ of the already established couple.

Throuples don’t currently have any legal status so when it comes to issues regarding co-habitation, marriage, inheritance, tax, etc there are challenges in ensuring that everyone in the relationship is considered and cared for. It can mean adapting roles legally in a way that makes sure that in the event of difficulties that each individual’s rights are respected and honoured.  This has been important when I worked with an individual who was part of polycule of 4 people who were looking at having a child together. I brought my own personal experience as a mother into asking the questions of them that were important around childcare, etc but the important question to ask ‘what are everyone’s responsibilities if this doesn’t work out?’ ‘How will you ensure the child will be supported?’ A question I bring to every person who is looking to have a child with a partner even if they are in a traditional monogamous relationship. Having gone through separation myself from my children’s father and having a wonderful nesting arrangement - the acknowledgement that sometimes things don’t work out is important - it’s adult to have these conversations about the needs of another human being - a child.

When they have worked, key things that have allowed that to happen - To be honest they are exactly the same things that are required in a healthy monogamous relationship - it’s just that you have more people to be mindful of. So, communication of course is the most important thing! Recognising what we need from a relationship then being brave enough to share that. Having uncomfortable conversations, ones that can feel really exposing and vulnerable can in fact lead to greater intimacy. Active listening skills - active listening is really being curious about another person’s experience, so instead of making assumptions about what they are saying or making what they say means something about you and who you are, trying to understand better what it is that this person is sharing, if you aren’t sure what active listening looks like the question ’tell me more…’ is a great sentence to show someone you are listening and want to learn more. As with any relationship self-awareness is important, knowing what that when a situation arises, what is it bringing up in you. Oftentimes when we are upset by what someone has done we make their actions mean something about us, that we are ’not good enough/, not attractive enough’, is what they are doing really about that or can you take a moment to pause and reflect on the stories that you tell yourself from your own low self-esteem. Accountability is really important to help people feel emotionally safe in a relationship - acknowledging when we have caused harm, even when it is unintentional. When harm or hurt has been caused finding a way to repair the situation helps to create feelings of emotional safety.

What are the benefits of non-monogamy/throuples? -

We have this idea in modern relationships that our partner should be our ‘everything’. Men in particular tend to put all the emotional weight onto their partner. Women are generally better at having wider friendship groups to share their emotions with, so particularly for men, having an extra person in a relationship dynamic can be supportive to their emotional wellbeing instead of it being focused on just the one. However, I would always advocate for ensuring you have different people in your life that can meet emotional needs and your interests that you aren’t in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with so that you are leading a more fulfilling life. A throuple does lend itself to more emotional connection all round.

Due to the complexity of the dynamic and extra needs to be considered, people in a throuple have the opportunity to really enhance their people skills, their listening skills and how they communicate with others. It takes real accountability and responsibility anyway in a relationship to listen with care to another’s needs, so doing this with another person improves that skill further.

Throuple dynamics lend themselves to a fabulous opportunity of growth and personal development as navigating schedules, time together as a group, time alone for oneself, work, emotional, romantic and sexual needs of everyone involved requires skill and self-awareness. 

When it comes to sex, variety and adventure is more accessible. It can happen in some longer term monogamous relationships, especially for women that there is not enough novelty and pleasure for her to want to have the sex she is getting. For those in throuples there is a greater possibility to explore sexually and have your needs met. Whether that’s one or one or the three of you together, people in this set up get to challenge the status quo more and bring more to the table because the likelihood of one person being up for it is higher. It also means that if someone’s desire drops due to mental health, stress or other factors, the other two in the dynamic can still have their sexual needs met without the pressure from the person struggling to ‘perform’.

On a practical level there is the chance to share the domestic and mental load - especially if children are involved. So many relationships can struggle with feeling constantly ’on’ and stressed with the pressures of running a house. Being able to lighten the load between three rather than two creates a path towards more rest, connection and of course intimacy.

Advice - many people fall into roles in relationships, including in monogamy, without checking first if they want that role and also if the other person is happy with the role they have assumed. What are your expectations around sleeping arrangement, children,

finances, household schedule, intimacy and more? When we don’t communicate our desires or expectations we should expect disappointment - people are not mind-readers. Share exactly how you see the relationship looking and what you need from it. Ask the other people the same questions. Then regularly check in with each other. Monthly or weekly check ins so that everyone has a designated space to share any challenges they are experiencing and any needs they might have. Sometimes, it’s not from lack of wanting to share that these aren’t spoken but lack of opportunity. Scheduling in time for check ins is super important and committing to that.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.