Childhood abuse, Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence

A question I get asked is, “Carla, do you support people who are survivors of sexual assault, childhood abuse and domestic violence?” The answer is yes and also no.

I’m not a therapist or a counsellor so I do not work with a specific trauma itself. I do not spend time with clients going through and unpacking the various moving parts of these traumas.

I’m a somatic coach. I work with goals and desires. People come to me wanting something for their future, and, while we are working towards that, their past is going to come up but not in the way you may think.

The work I do is somatic. ‘Soma’ is Greek for the word ‘body' and what that means is I am working with people through nervous system responses, patterns and behaviours that work at an unconscious level that are present now.

Many people can be living in survival and not fully realise it - anxiety and depression are two of those. I find in my practice that survivors of the abuse mentioned above often have an underlying anxiety or depression. This is a protective mechanism. Their body hasn’t finished its stress cycle and is continuing in a protective loop of hyper vigilance (anxiety) or dissociation/shut down (depression).

Both of these responses are keeping the person in fight or flight which is the anxiety, or the shut down which is the freeze and fawn response.

So when people are coming to me for support, they are not saying ‘Carla, I was sexually abused as a child, help me.’ Or, ‘I was raped by my ex-husband, help me.’

Instead, they are saying things like:

‘I want to wear what I want when I go out and not have the fear that I’m asking for trouble.”

“I want to let go in the bedroom and know I’ll be safe.”

“I want to find a loving relationship and trust men again.”

“I want to enjoy oral sex without clamming up.”

“I want to lose weight, be healthy and love my body.”

“I want to ask for what I want and speak up for myself.”

“I want to feel sexy, powerful and free.”

What happens as we take the journey together, what we find is that patterns from the past which were created as a result of the assault show up. Those patterns have been coping mechanisms, a way to protect them. A behaviour or way of being that was formed to keep them safe.

We don’t need to go back in time to that memory, that place. We don’t need to imagine or visualise. Because the body itself remembers.

The body itself contracts. The body itself clenches. The breath holds. The jaw tightens.

There is the sensation of a stone in the tummy. A flutter in the chest. Limbs that feel tingly. Throat constricted. Head that feels fuzzy…. And more… All are speaking to a part of you that is holding onto the story of who you are and how you were to blame for what happened to you. How, from that point on you needed to change to stay safe.

And so what I see is people who:

Modify the clothes they wear to avoid attention.

People-please so they are less of a target.

Keep their world small so they don’t stand out.

Only have sex in certain positions because it feels safe.

Hold onto the guilt and shame to keep themselves small and safe.

Speak more quietly and self-abandon to keep the peace.

Keep the weight on to keep themselves safe.

Over exercise to avoid feeling.

Ways of being that at the time of creation made absolute sense because they needed that image, that personality to protect them. The thing is, those behaviours are no longer serving them.

They are holding them back in ways such as:

Finding a good safe person who wants to love them.

Pushing away the person who’s already with them who wants to love them so desperately.

Affecting their career because they never put themselves out there.

Impacting their needs being met because they are shrinking to please.

Unprocessed anger or grief that pushes people away.

And so these ways of being are explored and integrated so that the person can move towards their goal.

What I have noticed in my practice too is that it isn’t always the trauma itself that had left the lasting impact. What keeps the trauma stuck in the body is how they are supported after the event. Were they believed? Were they helped? Were their feelings acknowledged? Were they treated with dignity and respect? Were they held if that’s what they needed? Given space to shake, scream, sob uncontrollably if that’s what they needed?

Or, were there comments about what they were wearing? Were they told not to make a fuss? Were they told they were lying? Were they ignored and shamed? Were they dismissed?

Because how we are treated and supported (or not) after an event has just as much impact on the event itself staying in the body. Victim blaming, gaslighting, dismissing… all of it and more can actually be what makes the difference between it being a significant life event to one that destroys their ability to live.

And so, when you ask me do I work with deep trauma the answer is:

No, I work with goals and desires because you deserve a life where you are not just surviving but thriving and that’s what I’m here for.

And yes, because the patterns of the present are a reflection of the past and what we are experiencing now is what we unravel for our future evolution.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.