It Wasn't About The Desserts - It Was Abuse
- Carla Crivaro
- 4 days ago
- 17 min read
It was an abusive relationship.
And it’s taken me a while to admit that.
One, because of fear of him seeing me write it, then the abusive and angry messages and phone calls and threats to drive 2 hours to my house that could follow. All as a result in me being really honest about what happened and the consequences on my body, nervous system and self-esteem.
Two, because coming back to your sense of self takes a while. To trust your own reality. To trust that what happened wasn’t right and a healthy person just doesn’t treat you that way.
Three, it would make me a victim and I have worked so hard to remove myself from that label by talking ownership and accountability. (But my attachment coach made it clear that I over-shouldered the blame).
Why has this suddenly clicked and why now have I decided to own that that is what was happening in the relationship?
Two weeks ago I made a commitment to go all in regarding my health and healing a uterine fibroid. I have been taking a look at diet, lifestyle including cortisol levels, stress, exercise, emotional components… all of it.
When I opened my messages this morning I received a WhatsApp from my friend Alex and in it was a YouTube video. I watched the first 5 minutes talking about how emotions stay trapped in the body. I know this. I teach this.
This was then followed by a card I pulled. I have had these cards for five years and used them once a week for my business (my soul’s mission). This is the first time I pulled this card. And it spoke to healing the emotional and physical together. See photo.
Now if that wasn’t a sign that I wasn’t feeling and was avoiding then I don’t know what is.
Because I know that I am still holding onto emotion. My jaw is tight. I have recently started pussy and womb breathing as part of my daily meditation and I noticed that as I do so how tight my pelvic floor is too. The two are connected - jaw and pelvic bowl. I know this because I work with this with my male and female clients around emotion and sexual function and pain. When I have explored the tension in my jaw with my attachment coach she refers to me holding back and biting down my words. As this article unravels, I’m starting to see the depth of this statement.
I have also incorporated a daily breath work of 5 minutes breathing into the diaphragm. After joining Zoe White at The Space and her breath work sessions and realising how many breaths per minute I had (14), ideal is around 6. I knew that something needed addressing.
I know that I am still holding onto the stress of a past relationship. That the cortisol still runs high. The daily ruminations of everything he did plague me and I just don’t want him in my thoughts anymore. These thoughts are a sign of all the emotions that have gone unfelt during that relationship. The blocking. The denial. The invalidation. The shutting down. They got squashed, repressed and my body has been holding onto it all.
During that relationship I would wake with anxiety, sleep terribly, hair fell out in clumps and constantly felt overwhelmed by the small things. Because when you deny yourself access to feel, when you invalidate your own emotional experience (and you have others invalidating it too), it doesn’t go away. It stays trapped in the body.
And so even though the morning anxiety has gone and I sleep better, I know that I am still holding onto something. I can FEEL it.
The next thing that happened this morning which invited me into my emotional experience was a BBC Radio 1 segment.
A guy was sharing how his girlfriend likes to get the chocolates at Christmas and divide them up equally. He said her reasoning is because he eats all the good ones first and she eats the good and OK ones equally. So she often found herself eating the ones that weren’t nice and he was eating all the good ones.
They invited the listeners to call in and share their stories. So many callers were all saying similar. Often, the women doing this and organising the chocolates in a ‘fair’ way. Not just chocolates but sweets, etc.
Is this because women naturally look to ensure that things are fair and think of everyone? Because we have been brought up that way? Or because as women we see how often life does not go our way and have to look out for ourselves more? Another article to explore this maybe?
What I do know is my own relationship to ‘sharing’ felt very unfair growing up. I would be given something that was special, for me, and so frequently it was taken and I was told to share it. To give more. I always felt this huge sense of injustice around it. That I was constantly being taken from. That what I had wasn’t important or respected.
When I had children this is something that was really important that I didn’t want repeated. I read the book ‘Siblings Without Rivalry’ which talked to the fact that making children ‘share’ when they hadn’t chosen to can bring up all the feelings I had felt as a child. I felt validated. So we followed the book as best we could to empower our children to share when they want to (intrinsic generosity) and then not force others to share if they don’t want to (entitlement). We respect each other’s ‘yes’ and ‘no’ - consent. And we sit with the difficult feelings when we don’t get what we want or when things don’t feel fair (ie one goes to a party and gets sweets and the other hasn’t been) - teaching resilience and to sit with the discomfort while being validated by us that ‘yes it doesn’t feel nice when someone has something we would like AND it’s OK to feel that’. Instead of shaming them and telling them not to feel it.
Back to Radio 1… as they continued the conversation it took me back to that past relationship. Quite early on in the relationship, from a place of trust, I shared the difficulty I have had in sharing food and how I often don’t mind people using or borrowing my things but that I like to be asked first and not made to feel guilty if it’s a ‘no’. As an adult, me ordering a dessert and saying ‘no’ to sharing it, felt like I was standing up for myself - for my inner-child.
I would let people know, joke about it and also be serious. I am happy to pay for someone to have a dessert - just don’t put your fork in mine.
I also like to take care of my belongings. Look after them. If you ask me, I likely will lend you something, but I will tell you how it’s to be treated to be kept in good condition. Again, this was me having agency of my own stuff in a way that I hadn’t had. It wasn’t just to protect my stuff - it was for my inner-child.
So with the backstory, I will now share what was starting to click into place. But before I do, I want to show you something. I notice that there is a part of me that needs to ‘justify’ and ‘convince’ in some way that it was abuse. Because nearly 3 years of gaslighting WILL impact how you view your own sense of reality. It will leave you with an element of doubt. And so I want to name that those parts are still taking up space and, there is the brave part of me that is now ready to step out and name it all.
So the justification part first…. What is abuse? I asked Chat GPT and it said…
Key elements
Power and control
Harm (physical, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual)
Pattern (often repeated, not always one-off)
Types of abuse
Physical – hitting, pushing, restraining
Emotional/Psychological – manipulation, gaslighting, intimidation, constant criticism
Verbal – insults, threats, humiliation
Sexual – any non-consensual act or pressure
Financial – controlling money, limiting independence
Coercive control – isolating, monitoring, controlling behaviour and choices
Simple way to understand it
Abuse isn’t just about what someone does—it’s about how they make you feel and what it takes away from you:
your safety
your autonomy
your sense of self
And now the details of abuse, how I felt unsafe, where I lost my autonomy and where I lost my sense of self…
Knowing full well the back story of dessert sharing and sharing my belongings what this ex would do is he would put me in situations where he would have other people take from me without asking, and then when I tried to speak up he would make me the problem.
He would use the manipulation tactic ‘DARVO’
Deny - deny that he wasn’t the one that did it. His sibling, children, other human had done the deed but he had encouraged, offered or allowed it to happen.
Attack - turn on me - say I was sensitive, difficult, creating conflict.
RVO (Reverse Victim and Offender) - make himself the victim and me the problem.
Some examples….
We would go out for food and his children tried to put their spoons in my food. I would ask nicely for them not to do that and he wouldn’t support me. When I brought it up at a later date he would make me the problem and say they are only kids. My point being to him that when kids make mistakes, they need to be corrected and explained to. He would say I was the problem, not his parenting. I was the one who got caught up on little things that weren’t important, that I should let things go and not be so uptight.
We were at a festival and I offered to get people something to eat - everyone said no. I was starving and bought just enough for myself. I came back and he offered his sibling my food, I pulled him up on it and he made such a huge thing of it, including telling his family as a ‘joke’. When I tried to talk to him about it, I was ‘sensitive’ and it was ‘only banter’. That I really needed to let go of all of my trauma. (For me it was about empowering myself to speak up for myself and my needs).
I took my weight vest to his house and asked that the kids don’t play with it. Later that evening when his child asked what it was, he told them to put it on. He looked at me and said is there a problem? When I said I didn’t want the kids playing with it, his child got upset and I got blamed for upsetting them when I had been clear that I didn’t want it being played with. I was the one who had made his daughter feel shame for playing with my things, it was my fault he said.
Now let me be clear - these situations weren’t about the desserts, the food, the vest - what this man did was KNOWINGLY put me in situations that he knew were uncomfortable for me, that I was learning to reclaim and speak up for, then when I spoke about it, made ME the problem. I was going through a process of learning how to be more empowered in this area and he chose to put me in situations that when I did he would ridicule me over it. THIS was the abusive part - creating the situation, knowing I would feel uncomfortable, ridiculing me.
What this did was made me speak up less for myself, fearful of looking silly over ANY needs I had. I stopped trusting myself. Was everything I was asking for ‘silly’? Was I just ‘too much’?
He made all those arguments about the things not being important. And yes, they weren’t in the big scheme of things important. But what he was doing was taking a topic that was extremely sensitive to me and using it to belittle me in front of his friends and family, he used it to control what I could bring to him and ask of him, he used it as a way to make himself look like he was the innocent one and I was the irrational one.
His behaviour was to shut me down. Ridicule me. Make fun of me.
Another example was his sharing of his infidelity. I remember thinking at the time when he shared it how much of a victim he seemed to be in the situation. He shared how much the victim he was for breaking up a family, for how he would be seen by his kids when they are older. How other people viewed him. How some people reacted. He became the victim of his own creation. Looking back, he never seemed to show genuine remorse for exploring why he did what he did. There wasn’t accountability, just looking at how he would look in front of others.
And he used this story too - with the DARVO tactic.
He would frequently stare at women in inappropriate ways. His whole body and head turning to watch. His kids would notice too and then look at me - watching to see how I would react. It was that stare that felt leaky and penetrating - the women reading this will know the one.
It wasn’t the ‘oh there’s an attractive person’ I noticed. It was longer and more penetrating.
I remember finding the courage to name it.
‘I notice sometimes you take prolonged looks at women and I don’t know how I feel about it.’
I used authentic relating - naming it, making it about me and my emotions. No criticism, no blame. What I see and my emotional experience to be explored. Reflecting back, the reason I couldn’t even share what my emotional experience was should have been a red flag to the fact that my emotional state wasn’t safe with him. His response…
Silence.
We walked what felt like forever. I could feel his anger bubbling.
Then a whole weekend of nervous system dysregulation on both parts. When I shared this with my attachment coach about 12 months later she named what happened next as gaslighting - I hadn’t recognised it at the time. When you are in a relationship like that - you never do.
He denied it. Said that I was creating conflict. That he had booked this special weekend in the countryside for us together to build the relationship after some difficult times we’d been going through. That he should never have shared his infidelity with me because it was now being used against him. That his past was never going to let him go.
See the DARVO in there? He denied it, attacked me for bringing it, became the victim of his past and brought that in.
There were other smaller things that were constant too… little comments and remarks…
‘Look how wide your feet are’.
‘In those Instagram reels you have a really wrinkly forehead.’
‘What were your breasts like when you were younger?’
I had done my first ever stage talk of my career, when he saw the Youtube video of it… ‘You didn’t really show yourself as I know you. I could see you weren’t confident.’
Initially with these types of comments I thought - he’s just clumsy with his words. This is a good opportunity for me to not take things so personally.
Over time, the constant little put downs along with everything else started to feel less like clumsiness. And they did begin to feel more personal.
When I questioned what he was saying - I was being sensitive. It was just banter. ‘We can’t have fun anymore Carla. It’s all the conflict that you bring. We can’t just relax and be.’
We tried relationship check ins on Zoom (we had a long-distance relationship). The idea was for me to have space to share in a container that felt safe to him. I frequently have the couples I work with do these and they can be very successful when both are willing to meet each other. I even contacted a colleague of mine Craig White who works with male leaders, on how to bring an uncomfortable topic and do so with so much care for my then boyfriend.
I brought it in the way Craig suggested. My boyfriend’s reaction - explosion of anger. More DARVO.
He would arrive at the relationship check ins arms crossed, with his hood over his head, slumped on his chair, face like thunder, looking around him anywhere except the screen. He had no intention of listening. This was even before we said ‘good morning.’ Immediately on the back foot. No matter what I had said or how, it would not have landed well. My nervous system activated. Buzzing. Waiting for the come back.
This was just a tick box exercise to go back to his friends and make me more of the problem. He was ‘showing up’ physically but definitely not emotionally. He could say that he was doing the check ins and my requests for him to be more ‘present’ was me nitpicking.
I remember being on holiday with him over his birthday. He talked about how he had been on holiday with previous partners and how they had always gone wrong. He talked about how his birthdays never matched up to how he wanted them.
So I tried really hard to be a ‘good girlfriend’ and make the holiday as conflict free as possible. I tried really hard to make his birthday as good as possible. By of course walking on eggshells, allowing him to speak and treat me how he wanted. This became a theme ‘this situation is difficult in my life’ - then I had to adapt to make sure he didn’t feel discomfort.
On holiday the mistake I had made was putting my money together with his and we would share expenses. He was choosing the more expensive meals all the time. Buying extra things with the joint money. I shared with him what I noticed and was defensive and angry. That he doesn’t check on those things. That he felt he was being watched all the time. Analysed. That now he couldn’t enjoy his holiday because he was felt like he was being looked over. All I saw was him taking. Taking from me on the holiday. It was also a theme I noticed in his life generally - his friends would pay the taxi, the drinks. His sibling would bail him out of financial difficulties.
When it came to his birthday I offered to pay for the meal and he chose the most expensive thing on there.
For naming this and that my funds couldn’t stretch to that, I was now ruining his holiday AND his birthday. That on his birthday he should be able to get what he wants and if I can’t afford to pay for the most expensive thing I shouldn’t offer to pay at all. His friend was staying on an island close by and I was in such a state with his behaviour and feeling so anxious and trapped that I suggested he come and finish the holiday with us. I knew that if his friend was there he would be on better behaviour. And it was so much easier to finish the holiday after that.
During that relationship another curiosity was it brought back so many memories of two very specific abusive relationships I’d had in my 20s. They were frequently on my mind. More so than I had ever thought about in years. Looking back and applying what I now know about trauma and the nervous system, my body was warning me the relationship wasn’t safe. My body was feeling all the tension, fear, walking on eggshells, that I had felt in THOSE relationships, and bringing up memories of things that had happened in them. It was my body warning me. But I hadn’t fully acknowledged that until after the relationship ended.
I share these examples of what happened because you may be in an abusive relationship too. You’re not trusting yourself. Feeling ground down. Self-esteem low. Second guessing. Invalidating your own experience. Gaslighting yourself. My examples may spark some curiosity in you - although, you may not be ready to see it. You may not want to. I know I didn’t.
Because what the problem was, and here is the accountability part of it and where my lesson was and is for the future…
The problem for me is I can see really clearly people’s pasts and how they are impacting their behaviour now. My professional Self knew that his behaviour wasn’t personal. He was showing up with all of his traumatic childhood in full view. I could see it all. So there was a part of me that stuck around thinking… if I stayed long enough, maybe I could get him to change. Maybe I could heal him. Maybe I could get him to be the man I know he is capable of being.
The truth was, me sticking around actually enabled his behaviour. The reason he wasn’t changing was because he believed I would always be there. To hold his pain body. To hold his trauma. That I would continue to shrink to make him more comfortable. So he wouldn’t have to face himself. So he wouldn’t have to face his past.
The thing I came to understand a few months after the relationship ended was that he had surrounded himself with enablers. His sibling enabling his bad financial decisions by bailing him out. His friends enabled his drinking problems by encouraging him and him being labelled as the ‘naughty one’ of the group. Two friends of his who witnessed how he spoke to me and treated me and never called him out on it. His friends that saw him cheat on a previous partner and never called him out on it - and told him not to tell her. The enabling of the friends who always saw his story of victimhood in all these ‘toxic relationships’ with ‘crazy women’ that he seemed to find himself in without saying to him ‘ Hey, there seems to be a pattern here, what’s your role in it?’ The enabling by his friends and family that had allowed him to continue on his path of destruction not only of himself but of those around him.
The difficult part of all of this was for me was that it was blocking my ability to receive. I was constantly adapting and giving to try and keep the peace. Walking on eggshells, dimming down. Asking for anything felt needy. Selfish.
And the problem for me became the more I was forced to give, the more resentment came up for me about having to share. Because I still hadn’t got over and had acknowledged that last situation. The last rupture. The last denial of a desire or ask.
It wasn’t until about 4 months after the relationship ended, that I realised how much I had blocked my ability to receive. That I had stopped asking for what I needed, or even wanted! The fear of being labelled ‘selfish’. That life had begun to feel transactional - to keep the peace.
What happened was meeting Alex and our experience together which highlighted how ingrained into my nervous system shutting my needs down had become. Who would have thought that someone giving for the pure sake of giving would send me into a sobbing snotty mess of the beginning of the awakening to what had actually happened in that relationship. That was the start of me questioning it and how much had ACTUALLY been my role.
My ex had been very ‘giving’ at the beginning. Many know of this as love-bombing. Looking back now it felt performative. Because he did give, but there was always this residue of resentment. The people-pleaser that does not give from a place or desire to give, but for what they will get from it. It was a transaction. And what I would be required to give in return was yet to be revealed.
So I’m sharing this now because denying the abuse is denying my emotions. It’s denying and gaslighting myself further as to what happened.
I have to admit that a few months after breaking up I travelled to his home town to meet a friend and nearly had a panic attack in case I saw him.
I’m admitting that my uterine fibroid which had been stable at 2cms for years went up to 10cms when I was with him.
I need to say that the reason I had to sugar coat so much of my journey with him was because the fear of him contacting me and remembering the vibration of anxiety in my body was too frightening.
What I asked for was valid. What I tried to put as boundaries were valid. I didn’t trust myself then, but by acknowledging it now, I am giving my body and emotions permission to be and to feel them.
I also feel so much in a stronger place. I would fear seeing his name pop up in may emails or on my phone. I would fear his friends or family contacting me and the conflict. Because I had doubted myself for so long. I had shrunk so much to keep the peace.
But since my commitment a few weeks ago from my article If Women Led the World: Lessons from Bonobos, I’ve committed to being braver. To calling abuse and harassment out. To naming it. Because when we don’t and it goes unchecked, it can escalate. So if he or his family and friends read this, the best thing they can do for him and any other women he meets is to support him in getting help so he no longer becomes a destructive force to himself, his family and any women in his life.
So I’m no longer enabling it.
I’m naming it.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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