If Women Led The World
- Carla Crivaro
- 28 minutes ago
- 14 min read
You know that moment when pieces start coming together. When you get a birds eye view of what’s going on and little nuggets of information merge making the picture so much more clearer?
Well, I’ve been reading and seeing things a lot recently and they’re all pointing to the same thing - it’s time that we moved into a matriarchal system and we don’t have to wait for the change to happen outside in the world at large. We can start doing it right now in our homes, in our workplaces and in our communities.
Let me share with you what I’ve been thinking…
A few years ago I stopped watching the news. I was fortunate to make this decision before the pandemic hit so I got to go through lockdown pretty oblivious to what was happening in the outside world and just focused on my children, regulating my nervous system and healing from trauma. I had spent years with chronic anxiety and intrusive thoughts and one of the things that I had learnt was that knowing what was happening everywhere, all the time had me feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Fully cutting myself off was an interesting take because I had actually trained in my younger years to be a broadcast journalist!
And so today I have a general idea of what’s going on in the world but not too many details. Enough to be aware and not so much that it impacts my functioning day-do-day.
That is until the last couple of weeks. I’m British but hearing about ICE and the Epstein files I have not been able to avoid, the details of which are particularly harrowing on all levels. And I’m noticing how my nervous system has changed for the better - due in part to A LOT of somatic work I have done over the last few years and that I now support my clients with.
And so instead of falling into the collapse and helplessness and looking OUTSIDE myself for answers, what I noticed is the anger bubble up inside me. Instead of pushing it down, I sat with it. Well, I say sat, one Friday afternoon I spent the day oscillating between tears of empathic grief around what has been lost to the victims and rage towards the perpetrators. In the evening I went to lift weights to channel it further.
My sympathetic fight/flight response had been activated. What I noticed is that because I was able to stay present with it and not project it outwards with aggressive posts or aggressiveness towards others I was able to access the motivation. Anger as an emotion has its purpose. Most women (and a considerable amount of men I’ve found in my practice) collapse when anger gets too much - they fawn or freeze. Their nervous system gets so overwhelmed that they can’t do anything with it. Many women get frustrated and then end up in tears. Many being told they are ‘sensitive’, when in actual fact, they’re just really pissed off. I talk more about that here, and here.
However, with nervous system work you can begin to change your responses. So what I noticed in my own body was that I was being motivated by the anger. And that’s what anger is there for - it’s to protect, to speak out. Think of how any female mammal would protect her offspring - that’s what this response is there for. Protection.
As I was digesting my awareness of what was happening internally something else popped up externally in my field. Our two closest cousins in the primate world are chimpanzees and bonobos. I’ve talked quite a bit on podcasts about these but in relation to female sexuality. Many modern anthropologists are pointing to the fact that humans are much closer to bonobos than chimpanzees when it comes to how we are structured physiologically - impacting whether or not we are actually designated for monogamy, because let’s face it with rates of infidelity at 50% we aren’t doing a good job of it. This is significant because female bonobos are highly promiscuous. And what I see in my practice, once you cut through the shame and social conditioning that women absorb about their sexuality, many of them go on to lead non-monogamous relationships, or opt out of monogamy and look for more casual connections. Underneath the noise, women are actually super freaky between the sheets. (More on that in a bit)
What I really want to get into now is something I learnt more recently that at the beginning of 2025 (last year) research was coming out showing that female bonobos create coalitions to occupy a higher status and subdue aggressive males.
So it got me thinking… we always talk about men being the protector. That this is their role. The warrior. Etc etc. But in reality we just don’t see that. Yes they go off to fight wars, and probably in the past they would have defended the tribe against predators, but within the tribe itself? So then it got me thinking…
What if men aren’t supposed to be the protector within the tribe? Let me explain…
Many women I speak to who have been approached, assaulted or have been harassed, they have shared it has been a woman or women who have come to help her get out of the situation. I have never heard of nor seen a man do so. And personally this has been my experience too. I have stood there being verbally abused in the street while a partner looks on. Encouraged by a boyfriend to stand up to a relative because he offered to speak up for me, but quickly changed his mind once I gave him that relative’s number to message… and the list goes on. And this isn’t just my experience. It’s the experience of many women I speak to.
So with this information, what if it was never meant to be that men protected us within the tribe (maybe from a wild animal), but within the tribe itself? What if it was always supposed to be women? What if it’s women who are the moral and social compass?
And then I started seeing where and how women have been disconnected from each other AND from not being allowed to sit at the table. If we are not sat at the table we are on the menu - a phrase I heard recently from Cindy Gallop. She’s a woman I connected to recently and has blown me away. Even though she is looking for funding for projects, since the Epstein files have been released this woman has called out and shared so much about this - at the possible detriment to receiving funding. Biting the very hand that could feed her. But this woman has grit and determination. So my question is, what if as women we were more like Cindy - calling out the behaviour and not being afraid to speak out. What then?
And so there are two parts of this I want to speak to - women in community and women’s personal growth and why right now, I believe BOTH of these are going to change the world.
Women have been purposefully kept away from positions of power because if we had them, we would not allow the sort of atrocities that are taking place right now. If we gathered together and created groups to speak up they would not be allowed to continue. There would be justice. Which is why women are kept away from the table ON PURPOSE.
And, women are kept from building community and creating these coalitions because we are powerful TOGETHER So we have been manipulated to fight and compete against each other. In the past, not being able to have property removed our financial independence because then we needed to rely on men for survival. If you’re busy surviving you aren’t looking out for others, in fact others become a threat. And so this way of seeing women as a threat has been passed through our DNA, in our mother’s voices, as she slut shames another woman. As she picks apart her dress, her thighs, her radiance. Women were taught to bring other women down and dim them so the other could not threaten her own survival. Some of that still lives on - you see it in the comments on social media. And in the way we pull OURSELVES apart.
No one benefits from a woman’s disempowerment. No one - except those who get to manipulate you and control you and those who gain to make money from your insecurities like the beauty industry and the white males elites. If you connect to your own power as a woman you actually shine the way for other women to rise. It is your duty as a woman to work through all the baggage of patriarchy and capitalism to connect to yourself. Your intuition. Your inner-knowing. Your power. Because once you do you become unfuckwithable. You get to blow shit up - like Cindy.
Women have been forced to minimise themselves because of the FEAR of the power we actually hold, this is demonstrated in the labels we have received:
Difficult - a woman who knows her ‘no’, is sure of her ‘yes’ and isn’t easy to control
Too much - a woman taking up space leading other women to pave the way to greatness
Slut - a woman connected to her sexuality and empowered to choose what sex she likes, what she doesn’t, who she doesn’t want to do it with, so again, can’t be controlled.
These labels, and there are many more, are there to keep us quiet. Undermine us and distance us from ourselves and from each other.
Your personal growth as a woman to not collapse under labels is necessary to the development of the new earth that’s being birthed.
This is why we need to stop looking at the structures that harm us at a global level and take action and look at them at a micro and local level. Child abuse and violence against women is systemic. It’s ubiquitous. It isn’t just happening on fancy islands by elites. It’s happening in homes down your road. Children right now in your kids’ school are victims. Women in your workplace are victims. It’s on your doorstep.
In the past women were often aware of what was happening but due to needing their male partner for survival kept quiet as a means of self-preservation. And so when a woman questions how a man speaks to or about another woman, when she questions how safe a person or organisation is, in the past she was labelled as per above. My invitation is to reclaim those labels and take them as a badge of a woman who is connected to her truth and her integrity and isn’t afraid to speak out about it and protect others.
And now I’m going to move into the arena of sexuality, because you’re probably wondering how frisky bonobos and female sexuality is going to revolutionise the world and topple patriarchy.
How the bonobos do it… bonobos, according to research I’ll link below use sex as a way to create a social regulation system, so it’s used purposefully to prevent, diffuse and repair conflict. The link will show the various different ways that sex supports bonobo peace but the part I found most interesting is that when female bonobos are promiscuous and have sex with multiple partners including across genders and ages it reduces jealousy, reduces mate-guarding (preventing a partner from being approached) reduces competition and therefore reduces violence!
Because bonding becomes the focus then there is less need to dominate and own and ‘protect’ one’s possession. In fact what researchers have found is that when tension rises in challenging situations over food or status, instead of fighting, they fornicate.
With this information you are possibly wondering where I am going with this and how it relates to the current climate we find ourselves in. I’m not saying that women need to start sleeping with any man to placate him when tensions get high. When women move through the shame, reclaim their sexuality it is a source of empowerment for themselves.
Women’s sexual liberation and control of who they want to sleep with and when, will raise the standards for society.
As women get more particular about the sex and pleasure they expect, men have to raise their game to meet them there.
So what do women need for great sex - emotional safety, communication and no shame.
So a way to control women had been to create fear through diminishing them making them property and shaming them for being sexual.
Instead, a sexually liberated woman calls to men to meet them where she is at. So as a consequence men have to learn to regulate their emotions and reactivity creating safety for everyone - particularly children. So many children are traumatised because a dysregulated father creates fear in the family - frightening the mother and children. A frightened mother who is anxious struggles then to look after her children. I have written numerous times what emotional immaturity and reactivity does to a woman’s nervous system in a relationship. It has taken me a year to recover from one myself.
So as women’s standards rise because we get to be the choosers (as nature intended), then the men come to meet us there. On a micro-level I see this already with the couples I work with.
Nearly every couple who comes to me looking for support is brought by the woman in the relationship. She is the one who wants to improve, move forward, build deeper connection and has the desire for more. For herself and for their unit as a couple.
These changes women individually embody will impact our immediate communities. As women grow, they encourage growth within their immediate environment.
Which comes to my second point - community. Taking the lead from bonobos what we are being shown is that when women form coalitions we can prevent harm happening to our most vulnerable. The research from Martin Surbeck and colleagues showed that even though the males were larger, when the females came together they were able to prevent infanticide and the harm to more maturer females and in bonobos violence towards females is rare. In fact bonobos are the only primates that don't kill others in their species. In the patriarchal communities of chimpanzees there is a significant amount of violence towards females and infanticide. When you take a look at the world at large now and the patriarchal system we have in place, we are a mirror to the chimp world.
We have been purposefully divided to because we are weaker that way. In Europe the witches trials set women out to point the finger at each other from a place of self-protection. By removing our rights to own property we had to rely on men for our survival pitting us against each other to ‘get the husband’. The beauty industry keeps us hyper focused on where we are not enough. Appealing to the part of us that desires better for ourselves and the world and a woman’s intrinsic drive for self-improvement, this has been used to turn us against ourselves. Picking apart our beautiful bodies, comparing ourselves to each other, seeing each other’s beauty as a threat.
We have been taught to compete for men, when in fact what I see in my practice is men’s deep desire and drive to please and provide for women and their desire to feel chosen by them. When biology and the animal kingdom show us that it is the men who puff and preen and make themselves pretty for the females. We have recently learnt that it is the egg itself which chooses the sperm - it is in fact women who hold the power in mate selection and reproduction. Most men are extremely attracted by women who are confident and have a passion or purpose. And the minority of men that don’t want a confident woman? What I see in the work I do with couples and individuals is that it’s the men with low self-esteem and low self-worth who need to control their partner, put her down and compete with her due to their own internal sense of lack and not feeling good enough.
The project of the patriarchy has been to weaken us. When we are disbanded we are more vulnerable.
How do I see us progressing? We need to move forward with the continuation of the empowerment of women so that they have the inner-strength to speak up. Continued investment in the growth of women to connect them back to their intuition and wisdom. We need to create collectives and communities that support the system of that community to call out wrongdoings and to lead the direction of the community with their vision.
For example, the financial industries and the legal world are two where I hear a lot from women about the misogyny and harassment of women. If women learn to come together to support each other and create small coalitions to call out these men, it makes it more difficult for the unhealthy culture to continue - bonobo style!
Women are generally the ones who are calling for change in their workplace, the ones who name it, the ones in the Diversity Equity and Inclusion space speaking to the needs of the minority - because women are about community, nurturing and inclusion.
And so at the beginning I said we don’t need to wait for someone else to do it and this is how. If what is happening right now in the world has motivated you to act, then I invite you to create something similar to what I have done - The Sister Sanctuary. It’s for the women in the north-west of England and it’s built on the three pillars of Sisterhood, Growth and Empowerment.
We are building community and Sisterhood by encouraging women to come together and build deep connections by organising meet ups and going to events together. This is where we have our coalitions. The next element of The Sister Sanctuary is growth. As we’ve already established a woman’s growth will determine her ability to be able to meet the new challenges of the world and step into leadership and mutually supportive relationships, this is being done through workshops, events and retreats by facilitators to support women in their self-development. The final pillar is Empowerment. Supporting women to be in positions of power whether that’s in the workplace, as a founder, ensuring their financial security so they can leave relationships that are dangerous to them and their children. The empowerment of women will positively effect the communities they are in. If you are in the north-west of England you can join The Sister Sanctuary here, and if you’re anywhere else in the world and feel motivated to create your own, reach out and I can support you in the process.
And for the women still stuck in freeze and fawn, finding the whole situation overwhelming and helpless? If you’re local to me in the UK, join The Sister Sanctuary for support and if you are elsewhere I know already that other women worldwide are creating similar movements and organisations to support women in rising ask in your local online groups and communities.
For the men reading? What are men’s role in this? They are not redundant at all! I work with men and I see many have a desire to see their partners grow and blossom into the confident, playful and passionate woman they know she is. I see the men’s role is to support in the physical creation and implementation of the world envisaged by women. I see the empowerment of men instrumental in supporting the women to create and yield a new world - after all Surbeck and colleagues noted that when the female coalitions subdued aggressive males, other males would oftentimes support them in it. And for those who feel uncomfortable and threatened by this - my invitation is to ask - what other option do we have right now? For the last few millennia in a world ruled by men all we have seen are wars and destruction - isn’t it time to give the women a go?
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are:
Comments