Why 'Nice Guys' give me the 'ick'
- Carla Crivaro
- 18 hours ago
- 10 min read
There’s a general consensus that ‘nice guys come last’. I’m not going to deny it. It’s true. I’m going to share what exactly it is about ‘nice guys’ that’s a turn off. Not just for me but any woman I have spoken to.
And if you are a nice guy you will learn what you need to do about it - if of course, you want respect and to be fully chosen in relationships.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my years of coaching, working with men and couples is that men want to be needed. They want to be seen as valuable. They want to be appreciated.
There has been the rise of women being able to do everything themselves - which is great for women to ensure they are choosing safe relationships rather than our grandmothers who could have been stuck for decades in an abusive marriage.
This, however, in some situations has led to women also being hyper-independent. And in a bid to ‘not need a man’ have in fact pushed some great men away. By not allowing help or accepting it, by proving at all costs they can do it all themselves it’s left a void for men. It often then feeds into the Mother & Son dynamic which I have covered quite a lot.
If men are no longer needed to bring home the bacon, what are they here for? The relational landscape has changed over the last few decades. What women are looking for in relationships is different. They aren’t simply looking to ensure their survival by securing a husband who can take care of them financially - they can do that themselves now. Women now want men who can meet them emotionally. It’s no longer a ‘practical marriage’ but an emotional one.
So men are being invited into that role. But they themselves also desire a greater sense of purpose in relationship. They want to add value to it too.
And this is why for women it’s important to be able to receive and to do so with appreciation. If he offers to carry the shopping, let him. If he wants to do the flat pack furniture (even though you’re quicker) let him. If he wants to find solutions to the problems you are bringing, let him.
Because when a man gets to do something for a woman and he’s appreciated for it, he loves it. Men love to help, fix, give and be recognised for it.
When I’m working 1-1 with women or couples and the women say to me ‘He should just do the thing anyway without me needing to praise him’. I agree. I also ask, ‘Wouldn’t you like it too if your partner also said to you more frequently how much he values what you bring to the relationship/house/children/intimacy?’
As humans we move through the world feeling so under valued and under appreciated - if we can’t offer that to our partners who are on our team, who can we offer it to?
I see that there are two main reasons women struggle to receive - the fear of Mr Nice Guy and/or because of self-worth. I speak more to our struggles as women in receiving and how that can be related to our self-worth here.
For those of us who feel worthy of receiving but may still block it from men, it can sometimes be due to negative experiences in the past from a previous ‘Mr Nice Guy’. If we haven’t learn to discern between who is clean giving or who is karmic giving - we go with the safest bet - we say ‘No, thank you’.
So let me explain the difference between a ‘clean give’ and a ‘karmic one’. A clean give is when someone wants to give from a genuine place. They enjoy seeing your face light up. It gives them joy to see you happy. They thought of you and wanted to do the thing or give the thing for this reason. When someone is clean giving it comes from the heart, from the pure pleasure of giving. There is no expectation of anything in return. Your yes, pleasure or excitement is the gift.
‘Karmic giving’ is different energetically. The person giving may not stipulate it, but underneath the surface there is an expectation somewhere. It’s transactional. They aren’t giving from a place of pure joy, there is an undercurrent of expectation. It could be validation - they are giving because they need to feel wanted due to low self-esteem and as a woman saying ‘yes’ and being happy with it gives them access to you.
They expect at some point to get something back. So even though there is no specific agreement, they are giving because they want long-term for it to be reciprocated in some way. A karmic give also means that if you choose to change your mind on anything or not want to give something back it becomes from their perspective an infringement of this unspoken rule they created. This is where the topic of consent comes in.
A reason many women won’t accept a drink in a bar is because of the expectation - if he buys me a drink is he expecting my number? The gift feels conditional.
It’s why early on in dating women might not want to be walked home by him. If he walks me home does he expect to come in? If he expects to come in is he expecting sex? Because if at any point in that process a woman chooses to change her mind she can be called names, he feels entitled to something from her.
I wrote about my experience in changing my mind here in this article I wrote called Dick Tease. What’s interesting is when I have shared this article with male clients are the different reactions. The men who are rooted in their own sense of self, who give from a ‘clean’ place, they empathise - ‘I’m sorry you experienced that Carla’. The men who I am working with who are people-pleasers, with low self-esteem and self-abandon for a woman’s attention - ‘That wasn’t fair on the guy, you should have…’ They sympathise with him because they have not yet seen the blind spot in themselves.
The thing is with ‘Mr Nice Guy’ is that women just don’t feel safe with them. When someone is able to say ‘no’, when they are grounded and rooted in their own standards and values, when they know what feels good to them and what doesn’t they are able to say ‘no’, and when someone isn’t afraid to say ‘no’, we can trust their ‘yes’. When we can trust a person’s ‘no’ and ‘yes’, they are a safe person.
The people-pleaser, ‘nice guy’ also feels unsafe because at any point when things aren’t going their way they can withdraw. They can change their mind. They aren’t getting what they sought to get, they are frustrated and because of the lack of transaction they project back onto you. You become the problem. They can find a way to justify their ‘over giving’ because you are needy, you are selfish, you don’t care for them, you think of yourself, you are self-absorbed, etc. Because all along their giving was hoping for something in return, an unspoken request that never left their lips so when they don’t get it, their irritation with their own lack of staying true to their boundaries, that shame that they might feel for being ‘a fool’, they project at you. You are the problem.
In relationships the Nice Guy can often just get on with it and do the thing to keep the peace. They want to avoid difficult conversations. Want to avoid backlash. They’re hoping that they don’t need to voice their expectations and that obviously him giving means he is wanting something in return. I share more about why it’s important to voice expectations in relationships here. Men will often fall into the trope of ‘easy wife, easy life’. This phrase and way of relating for men is one of the most damaging to a relationship. He without a doubt will fall into the Mother & Son dynamic with his partner and so she loses respect for him. Women do not want a man who says ‘yes’ to them all the time. They want a man with self-respect and who participates in the relationship from a place of desire rather than obligation. A woman would prefer to hear a ‘no’ rather than feel him doing something form a place of ‘should’.
When an action was a karmic give it always shows up at some point. There is either the retraction of the gift - wanting it back. During an argument, they bring up the thing that they did for you.
If there is an argument, a disagreement or a complaint from the woman he will become defensive, pull away and bring up that thing he did for her. He will use his ‘giving’ as ammunition. Because he will resent himself for what he gave. It will be used to get back at her - because of the silent condition from which he gave.
And for a woman this is devastating. It shuts her down. She pulls back. It’s hurtful. It erodes trust. It erodes intimacy. It erodes connection. She doesn’t ask for things. She has been let down. It feels really lonely. It’s not worth it.
So you may be reading this and thinking do women want ‘bad boys’? No they don’t. I mean, they can end up choosing those types of men when their nervous system is used to chaos and they don’t feel worthy to experience safe love - but that’s a different topic altogether - read how I choose the red flags in a relationship here.
Deep down, what women really want is a kind man. An emotionally intelligent man. And, he needs to be a man who knows himself and isn’t afraid to stand up to her. ‘I know I am safe with you if you can stand up to me. If you can stand up to me, you can stand up for me.’ Here is where the trust is built.
Because a ‘nice guy’ who’s people-pleasing in his relationship is leaking that energy in other areas of his life too. At work, with his friends, with family. He doesn’t step out of the crowd. He doesn’t speak up. He watches, he allows. I go into how a man’s behaviour or lack of in some situations impacts how safe his partner feels in a relationship with him and how that can be impacting their sex life - you can read about that here.
I often work 1-1 with women who struggle to receive. They want an emotionally available man but are themselves hyper-independent, highly suspicious of men and very much put up walls - in effect blocking the very type of person they are seeking! With these women I give them the task to start saying ‘yes’ more. To allow a man to help when he offers - and to appreciate his efforts and watch how good he feels from you allowing him to do that for you.
I am going to share some of my experiences of receiving - some that felt clean and some that weren’t.
I’m going to start off with 2 examples. Both in the gym. I want to start off by saying that in the gym I’m doing resistance training, so I’m lifting weights. If I do say so myself, for my size, I think I can lift pretty heavy - well, at least that’s what the PT says!
So I’m there in the gym and need a bar for the bench press. I can see a spare one that’s free but it’s on a piece of equipment that a man is using. I ask him if he can pass it to me. He picks it up and offers to take it to the other side of the gym for me where it needs to be. In this moment I have 2 options - say ‘no’ and take it myself, or, as he’s offered, I can let him. I choose to let him take it. I thank him for his help and he is super chuffed that he managed to help me with something - chest puffed out really pleased with himself. That’s it. Nothing more happens from that. A clean give, we both feel good about it.
The second situation I am looking for a piece of portable equipment. A man offers to help me look, I welcome his help. We find the equipment and then he stays there. He offers to spot for me. I politely decline as I like to workout by myself. He then stays asking if we can alternate in between reps, I decline. This guy didn’t help me because he wanted to help me find something - he is looking for more access to me. And I can feel it. This did not feel clean. Because further down the line he will offer more and more and at some point I’m going to say ‘no’ and he is going to either get angry, upset, defensive or make me to be the problem. So the safest thing for me to do as a woman is shut him down sooner rather than later.
I just want to say that I have seen men offering women of all types in the gym to help. There is a lady there, possibly in her 60s early 70s and due to her height, is frequently needing a taller person to give her a hand - they love to help her! They really do. Well-intentioned, kind men want to help women with nothing in return except for the pure pleasure of being of service.
These are a couple of my shares but I would absolutely love to hear from you! When have you experienced a ‘clean give’ from someone recently that felt good? When did an offer of help give you the ‘ick’ that felt off and you said ‘no’? These questions apply to both men and women.
Because the ‘nice guy’ can also be found in women too, as the ‘good girl’. And the man on the receiving end of that, also experiences the lack of safety, walking on eggshells and second guessing too.
Which is why having vision, knowing who you are, knowing your standards and speaking up for yourself in relationships are important. You become safe. People can trust you. You can build intimacy and deep connection. You attract your tribe and let go of people, places and things that aren’t meant for you.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other articles and podcasts which are supportive around this topic are:
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