Why Doesn’t My Wife Want Sex With Me?

I’m going to share with you why your partner isn’t having sex with you. This article is if she is also no longer flirty with you or you sense she isn’t that into sex/you.

Women are wild in the bedroom. Fun and most of the time adventurous. They are super hot for it and adore getting down to it. Women, biologically and anthropologically are naturally wired for having lots of sex. Often. And if you don’t believe me the research is in these 2 books here. Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha and Wednesday Martin’s Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.

As we let go of the Victorian models of Darwinism that had a patriarchal lens on female sexuality we are starting to understand more that women are naturally freaky between the sheets.

If you’re reading this you are likely either a man in relationship whose bedroom has died. Or you’re a woman questioning, ‘why is it I’d prefer a cup of tea than a night of passion with my partner?’ Alternatively you may just be curious and love reading what I write about.

What I have come to know in the work I do with women and couples is that THE biggest contributor to a woman’s desire and libido is safety. They also need to relax and surrender. I’ll also cover those but I’m going to kickstart with what helps them relax and surrender - safety.

So I’m going to begin with something that happened to me this week. There I was on LinkedIn, minding my own business. I was going through my connection requests and asking people why they connected with me when I received as a reply.

“You’re body probably lol”

Translated for you it reads - ‘Your body probably, laugh out loud’

I screenshot it. Tagged him and wrote an educational short form post about safety. You can see the post here. This article is to elaborate further.

What I wasn’t expecting from that public call out was in 24 hours the post receiving over 25,000 impressions, over 100 connection requests and men dropping into my inbox asking how they could help their partner want and desire sex and be more flirty.

And… on LinkedIn, this is the most popular line of questioning I get from men. So I’ve decided to write about it.

They often ask or share…

‘We were passionate and spontaneous when we first got together. She’s no longer interested.’

‘How can I get my wife to be more fun like she used to be?’

‘My wife doesn’t seem interested in me/us anymore, what can I do?’

‘We haven’t had sex in months.’

“My wife never seems happy with me.’

This is great. They’ve noticed. They aren’t oblivious. We can work with that.

The next thing is for them to then take action.

It’s important to note that I often get women in my practice who ARE those wives and also don’t want to be in that situation anymore. Unfortunately for them, they’re seeing me because their partner is in denial or burying his head in the sand.

In that LinkedIn post I shared and what we’re going to dive into here is safety and what that actually looks like. I’m also going to share some other things that can be happening for your partner and how that can be impacting how she shows up and how much she wants it.

There are various different types of safety. A woman’s safety can come from how safe she feels in her home with her partner, how safe she feels at work with colleagues or in her role, how safe she feels in her relationships with friends and family and just generally day to day as she moves through life.

Women are constantly assessing how safe they are. Their environment - where should I park the car? Is there a light close by? Shall I wear flats so I can run and put my heels on when I get there?

Hopefully the men reading this haven’t switched off right now because ‘I’ve heard it all before so it has nothing to do with me. I wouldn’t attack a woman so I’m a safe man.’

Yes, you think you might be, but actually, there will be lots of subtle things you are doing which are showing that you are, in fact, not safe.

So let me explain why safety is important for a woman. If a woman is constantly ‘on’ assessing her environment and second-guessing each move, comment and gesture of those around her she is NOT relaxed.

She is not present.

She is not in the moment.

She is not able to access the parts of her that radiate. That laugh. That glow. That move with ease, elegance, grace.

Her hips don’t sway.

Her shoulders aren’t down and back, relaxed.

Her face is clinched.

Her smile is forced.

She has a barrier up, protecting herself. Predicting what ‘could’ be for her own safety.

So now that we have described a woman’s nervous system moving through the world, let’s dive into the micro aggressions of her partner that add to that barrier and that protection.

There isn’t one woman I know who doesn’t compare herself to other women in some way. Women are excellent at picking themselves apart and seeing where they are not enough. She is constantly tracking every word you say about her and other women as a comparison. Let me explain…

Whenever you make a comment, in banter, in jest, as criticism, in almost any shape or form about another woman’s body, positive or negative she hears that and absorbs it.

“Did you see [insert female celebrity]? She’s put weight on.”

“She shouldn’t walk around like that.”

Laughing amongst friends speaking to the single friend, ‘only’ banter, partner in earshot, “You should shag her mate, she’s hot.”

“What’s she wearing? Mutton dressed as lamb.”

“She’s making a fool of herself in that outfit.”

And on and on…

She hears it all. Questions her body, her beauty. And when a woman doesn’t like her body, she doesn’t feel confident stripping naked and going wild in the bedroom.

Instead it’s lights off. Covers over her. Limited by positions based on where the light might hit her wobbly bits. She’s self-conscious. Shy. She most definitely isn’t going to be expressive and open.

And it doesn’t matter where she hears her partner say it - to her, to his friends or family, sees it on social media… it’s clear for her - who she needs to be to win his approval and be desirable isn’t what she is.

She can of course learn to love her body no matter what you think. But what I have witnessed is that a woman who makes that transition, who undergoes that transformation, she’s no longer choosing THAT guy. Instead she’s choosing a man who has respect for women and who actively shows and communicates that he thinks she’s hot.

Emotional safety is another biggie. This can be displayed in so many different ways. Predominantly it comes down to communication and listening.

Does your partner ask for what she wants? Does she place boundaries? If she does, she may feel safe with you. How you respond to those requests and boundaries will determine the level of safety. I’m not talking here about you always needing to say ‘yes’. I go into more detail about ‘happy wife, happy life’ further down.

What I’m referring to here is do you listen, with love and curiosity? I write more about how to listen here. Do you say ‘no’ in a respectful way? Or respect her ‘no’? Or do you withdraw and shut down? Do you get angry and reactive? Are you defensive and dismissive?

Because if she can’t bring her desires and boundaries to you outside the bedroom, she can’t do it inside either. Read about how important that is here.

So what that means is, rather than dealing with the fear, discomfort, anxiety of not being listened to in the bedroom, it’s better not to enter it in the first place. It’s better to dismiss advances with an - ‘I’m tired. I have a headache. Not tonight. I have an early start tomorrow…’

How able you are to have difficult conversations and to validate her feelings and experiences, to acknowledge her, be there and listen, will determine how safe she feels. Your emotional maturity and emotional intelligence will impact how relaxed she is around you. Learn about what emotional immaturity looks like here.

Also in other areas where you make comments which impact her - other women’s sexual exploits. Your comments, judgements, assumptions about what a woman gets up to sexually and how you talk about that is going to impact how free she is able to feel. This isn’t about her wanting to go off with lots of different men. However, if you are super opinionated about how a woman ‘should’ behave sexually, even if she isn’t your partner, what you are indirectly communicating to the nervous system of a woman is that she needs to tone down, stay small and be a certain way to be accepted and loved. So that part of her that may want to get kinky, or super charged or whatever it might be with YOU doesn’t get activated by her. It stays locked down. She second guesses herself - ‘Can I share this desire of mine or will it get closed down? If I share that there is something I would like to try, will he leave? He doesn’t think I’m like that.’

And so to stay safe she keeps her full erotic self under raps. And… the thing is this is often subconscious.

It’s not just you saying the thing, but also if you agree with other men or women who make comments - your silence is an act of agreement. If you don’t disagree, she assumes you agree.

So next time you want to make a comment about another woman being a ‘slut’, ‘easy’, or some other derogatory comment about her relationship to her sexuality, your partner is listening. She’s learning from YOU what level she can and can’t reach to be with you.

How you relate to other women is super important. Women have a sixth sense. They’re highly intuitive. It gets conditioned out of us at a young age. And then often we fall into relationships where we are gaslit and start to disbelieve our own sense of reality.

But there is a part of her that senses something. She can feel it.

There is nothing stronger than feeling when a man’s energy, especially sexual is scattered. She can feel if he only has eyes for her. She can feel the difference between you noticing an attractive woman and a gaze that’s leaky.

And if your energy is leaking over other women, either through flirting, your gaze or emotionally, she knows there’s shift. She may doubt herself. Not really tune into what exactly it is that she’s sensing. But she’ll be able to sense something.

And so with a potential felt threat she will move away. Close up. Protect. Keep herself safe. Blocking her connection to her aliveness.

It wasn’t that long ago that women needed men to survive. Women had to compete for male attention to be able to have a home. For this reason women learnt to compete with each other. They had to. We are starting to move away from this now but there is still a part of us that is in our most recent DNA that speaks to fear of other women.

Some women to protect themselves internalise misogyny. They speak ill of other women, about how they look, dress and act. They do this for protection. To show they are the one who should be chosen. So how you behave around other women will influence how safe she can feel around them and how much she will judge herself against them.

How you speak about women speaks directly to her nervous system.

Women carry so much shame around their genitals and vulva. Most women have never even looked at themselves in the mirror. If they have looked, like their bodies generally, they go to comparison. Is the colour normal? Is it attractive? Is it too big? Too small? How you treat this part of her body will determine how comfortable she herself feels with it.

Your comments on her smell, her natural discharge, how her vulva looks, how much hair there is or isn’t… unless it’s positive, adoration of her most intimate parts she will contract and keep this area more off limits. She will be less inclined to want to receive oral from you. And as only 20% of women orgasm from penetration alone, if she is comfortable receiving oral (discomfort receiving this is often caught up in all of the shame), this is where she is most likely to get her orgasm from. Don’t underestimate the power on complimenting her vulva!

And while we’re here talking about orgasms, for a woman to have an orgasm she needs to feel safe. Why does a woman need to experience pleasure and hopefully an orgasm? Because the more orgasms a woman gets, the more she wants. So if the sex isn’t good for her she just won’t want it. And… when only 29% of women who always orgasm with their partner (men it’s 75% aka the orgasm gap) then if she’s not wanting sex with you, she’s very likely not having orgasms. If you think she is, you will feel it. As a side note, many women fake it. I write more about why they do that in this article here.

For women to want to have sex with you they also can’t just flip a switch when you are ready for it. It takes time to build up. I’m not just talking about foreplay (by the way it takes a woman between 20-40 minutes to orgasm). She also needs for you to be a safe and loving partner outside the bedroom for her to get turned on in the bedroom.

So as well as all the emotional safety already mentioned above, are you also feeding her emotionally in between bedroom intimacy? What that looks like can be spending quality time together, giving her compliments, not just about what she looks like but who she is and showing appreciation for what she does for you. I want to name that what quality time looks like for a woman is different to a man.

Whenever I work with couples and we are talking about quality time, nearly always it’s enough for him that they are in the room together hanging out. Going clothes shopping for him or her is ‘quality time’ in his eyes. Sat next to each other watching the TV is ‘quality time’… for women it’s different. In my couples sessions the women are wanting undivided attention from him. So this looks like having a conversation. Playing a card game. Going on a hike just the two of them. Going on a date. Doing something together, just the two of them and oftentimes when they are able to talk to each other. She wants to hear your dreams, your desires. She wants to hear what you want for their future, for your relationship.

On a more practical level and one that men hear about very often is the physical and mental load that women take on. If she is always thinking of what everyone needs, if she is constantly chasing her tail and having to manage everyone else and be the person in charge all the time, it does not leave space for her to relax.

When women come to work with me one-to-one we are often working with the three archetypes Mother, Queen & Temptress. For a woman’s flirty and sensual side to surface (The Temptress), she needs to have the foundational elements of the Mother in place. And this isn’t referring to her mothering others. This is being her own mother. That she takes time to nurture herself. That she looks after herself. Self-care in the form of boundaries, time to herself to replenish her energy.

Because when a woman is tired and her brain is ‘on’, her pussy isn’t.

A woman needs to do activities that bring her joy. That make her laugh. That fill up her cup. That make her radiate. What this looks like for every woman is different. For me that’s dancing - day raving, salsa, if it’s got a beat and there’s space to move, I’m there. Slow hikes in nature with the opportunity to be still and present.

Maybe for your partner she loves to paint. Maybe she’s really into crocheting or tennis. Whatever it was that brought her pure joy before you got together, she needs to have the time, with your support to go and do that thing. To feel good.

Of course there are also health reasons why a woman may be switched off physically and emotionally. How well does she look after herself? What’s her physical health like? Does she eat well? Women I have worked with who have had complicated issues with diet and exercise it’s often for some underlying self-worth and self-esteem issue, and sometimes unresolved trauma such as sexual assault. When it comes to mental health if she has anxiety or depression this shuts down her desire for fun, play and sexual connection.

The sexual trauma piece is quite a big one. With most women having experienced sexual harassment or assault at least once in their life (for many women it’s more than that), if it has been left unresolved this can influence her sense of safety. What she wears and how she behaves is toned down, because she learnt that being fun puts her at risk. So how you talk about rape, rape victims and sexual assault is super important.

“She was asking for it.”

“She shouldn’t have been there at that time of night.”

“She shouldn’t have been wearing that.”

“She accused him because she wanted the attention.” (Noting here that a man is more likely to be sexually assaulted than be accused of rape).

Every time she hears your judgement of other women around sexual assault or sexual harassment, you are victim blaming. And in essence, indirectly blaming her already for how she shows up in the world equals her ‘deservingness’ of being raped or assaulted.

WIth those comments you are sending the message to her to dress more conservatively, to not stand out, to not be flirty, to put up barriers - but this becomes her default everywhere. It doesn’t just seep into her life with you. It becomes her identity.

So if you partner shares her past traumas, particularly sexual ones then for her to feel safe with you, her experience needs to be validated. You need to recognise that she wasn’t to blame.

Because some part of her blames herself and for certain she is experiencing shame.

Women without sexual trauma experience so much shame around their sexuality. Even more so if they were brought up religious. Religious conditioning around a woman’s body, her sexuality, her behaviour and her role diminish at a very deep level her ability to connect to her most erotic self.

If she was brought up to be pure, a virgin until she was married to save herself for her husband, you can’t expect that once she does get married that she can suddenly switch herself on and get off on sucking your cock. Even if she wasn’t a virgin when you got together, don’t underestimate the power of religious shame on a woman’s relationship to her body or her sexuality.

Now I want to speak to the trope ‘happy wife, happy life’. The phrase is basically saying ‘if you want to be happy, do everything your wife says because then she’ll leave you alone and give you peace.’ I don’t advocate for that. Women don’t actually want their partner to say ‘yes’ to them all the time. This is really confusing for men when I explain this to them in my practice either as one-to-one or when I’m working with them as a couple. What I explain to them is that a man who is true to himself, who gives from a place of desire, who says ‘no’ when he is living from truth and does this from a loving, grounded place this is so sexy for women.

Although it might seem that she wants everything her way all the time. What a woman actually wants is for him to take the lead. She doesn’t want a people-pleaser - that feels icky to the nervous system. Because when someone gives to receive and it’s transactional she braces for the ‘but…’

While we’re sharing about you, she wants you to respect yourself. It’s not about a six pack or being a millionaire but she does want you to be passionate about something, she does want you to look after your health. And this won’t just inspire her, it will benefit you.

I know that for some men reading this, fear will be arising. You have a deep desire for a hot and slutty wife, and… if she is hot and slutty, will she still want me?

Will she leave me and find someone else?

Will she get lots of attention from other men that I can’t compete with.

I can tell you now that the majority of women do want to stay with their partners. They want to tap into their Temptress energy and they want that part of them to be adored by their partners.

So as she evolves into this erotic, wild freak between the sheets, when meeting this part of her do so with encouragement. Listen to her desires. Give her space to ask for what she wants without judgement. Ensure she feels desirable.

Because when your partner embodies her Temptress she’s not just the person you fell in love with.

She will take you to whole other levels of connection, intimacy and pleasure.