"Your Clit Is Pretty"

As women, we tend to receive many compliments that can sometimes feel like a way of getting you into bed. They can sometimes feel monotonous and obvious and sometimes we can question the sincerity because 1) we have low self-esteem and self-worth and don’t believe it and 2) because we’ve received compliments before as a way to get us to do something - such as sex.


For men they aren’t often the receiver of compliments because society has ingrained in us that they do the chasing and the wooing and the women are to be pursued. Men benefit from compliments too. They also like to feel loved, desired and attractive but we often don't acknowledge this.


Giving compliments and receiving them is a complicated matter and can be a mirror to what we might be experiencing internally in relationship to ourselves and each other.


Some of the compliments I have received include: you’re pretty/hot/attractive/fit (colloquial northern English for ‘attractive’), that’s a nice dress/boots/top/skirt, your hair is so silky (thank you coconut oil!), you have nice legs/eyes/bum/breasts, you’re smart/intelligent/interesting/fascinating. They are good to receive but it wasn’t always easy to receive compliments, that in itself has been a learning journey.


You need a lot of self-love and self-worth to hear a compliment and allow yourself to have it. It’s an ongoing journey (as it always is with these things) but I am definitely better at receiving them now and learning to feel good too. I am choosing to enjoy a compliment. Being able to receive a compliment is a sign that you value yourself and appreciate others valuing you too. You can read more about why not fully receiving compliments is a sign that you don’t feel worthy of receiving love here.


This learning means that when I get a compliment now, I thank the person and accept it and allow myself to feel appreciated.


So when a new partner recently looked intently on my vulva, I paused for a moment wondering what he was observing. As most women would do, I went straight into my head wondering if something had happened down there that I hadn’t realised. It wasn’t a long stare, but when someone has their gaze fixated on your genitals it can feel like a while!


And then he said it…


“Your clit is pretty’


There were lots of thoughts simultaneously that passed through my mind…

‘Thank goodness I’ve done work on loving my vulva otherwise I would have found this embarrassing.’

‘Is that why he was there gazing for a while or is there some other reason?’

‘This would totally freak some women out if a guy said that to them.’

‘Fuck yes! Yes it is! And here is a man who totally appreciates her… woohoo!’


I decided to choose the final thought and stick with that.


I then laid back with a slight smile on my face and settled into what would be coming next.


This compliment was a profound moment for me. Why?

  1. I totally recognised the importance of it

  2. I felt in my power and absolutely appreciated

  3. I felt sadness for other women who would not be able to receive such admiration

  4. It was not prompted from an external source (I shall explain further below)


Why was this compliment so important (point 1 )? Because last year I was on a journey to really begin to love my vulva and work through the shame and discomfort in seeing myself in the mirror. I hadn’t known what she looked like before giving birth to two children so wondering how she might look after passing two reasonably large babies was challenging. With mirror work and affirmations, sitting with shame and discomfort and the stories around this part of my body from social and religious conditioning, I really brought myself to a place where I began to love and appreciate this sacred part of my body. And I use the term ‘sacred’ with purpose, which leads me onto point 2.


This part of my body is the essence of my womanhood, she’s where I hold the key to my feminine power and she’s the part of my body that when I am in full connection allows me to express myself with purpose. Having someone acknowledge the beauty of the very essence of my womanhood was appreciating every aspect of who I am. It was the ability to see the part of my body most hidden and undervalued by society and completely have it loved on - hell yes, that felt good! I know that many men also feel shame around their cock. The language used to talk about a penis is often weaponised. Although men can link their masculinity to their cock, many men aren’t sure of their authentic expression of their masculinity so not having a healthy relationship to their own masculinity can detach them from their genitals. A lot of men also have a relationship with their cock which is one directional where they are frequently ‘taking’ from it, changing masturbation in a way that becomes more pleasure focussed can support them in changing their relationship to their cock and therefore their masculinity (the full depths of which can be explored in another article).


When it comes to point 3 and that most women would freak out if a guy said that to them, this is because they haven’t taken the time to love themselves. If we want to experience love outside of ourselves we must first get to fully feel it inside of ourselves and to ourselves. To receive the compliment we need to believe it. If we hold so much shame and disgust for that part of our body, if someone complimented you on your genitals it would absolutely be uncomfortable - this goes for men as well as women. Men and women can worry about size, shape, colour, texture, smell and performance. These concerns take us completely out of our body, out of our pleasure and out of our power. Can you look at yourself adoringly in the mirror and appreciate every part of you with love and tenderness? Every part? To receive a compliment on any part of your body, you need to believe it about yourself first.


You’re possibly wondering why I added onto the list about prompting (point 4). I am doing further training in being a coach and facilitator of Tantric Sex and as part of the certification there are practices we need to do and will be guiding clients through including a penis massage and a pussy massage. I would like to add here that this partner and I had not done the Tantra practices together. As part of the practice the person giving the massage is encouraged to look at the genitals of the person receiving it and say three things they like about their genitals. The thing is we are so used to paying people compliments and appreciating parts of the body other than genitals that this part of the practice can be difficult to do. Having received this massage off some men, I know how difficult it is for them to look at a vulva and pay her compliments. During the practice there have been instances of struggling to find 3 things, or they are visibly uncomfortable or they completely skip that part not knowing what to say.


I could take this personally, however, I choose not to. Because I understand that we haven’t been encouraged or guided to see the beauty in genitals. We hold so much shame, yes men and women do, about our own genitals that fully appreciating another person’s can seem really difficult. We avert our eyes from our partner’s genitals and look away. When we give oral, many of us have our eyes closed and don’t look, or feel embarrassed being caught looking or don’t want to seem pervy for looking.


However, fully having your own genitals appreciated first of all by yourself, then secondly by another person is empowering, liberating and can definitely lead to better sex as the walls and barriers are broken down and you feel absolutely comfortable with everything your body is and does.


It allows you to enter into a state of surrender and trust and being fully seen in all of your vulnerable nakedness.


And if they have magic hands and a keenness to fully understand a woman’s anatomy of arousal and pleasure like this new partner did, then a compliment and full appreciation of your genitals can be the doorway to some experiences of complete surrender. It was at the hands of this man that I experienced for the first time what my body was capable of doing - it was the first time I squirted.


So I invite you to take a moment and look in the mirror and pay your genitals three compliments.


Next time you have someone else’s genitals in front of you, I encourage you to be with the discomfort of being so vulnerable and offer three compliments to them about their genitals.


Your body and theirs will be so grateful.


Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.


Other articles which are supportive around this topic are:

Worthy Of Love

Genitals & Shame

The Path To Your Feminine Power - Your Pussy!

Enjoy Receiving But No Orgasm? (For Men)

Where There's Discomfort, There's Growth

10 Tips To Creating A Better Relationship With Your Pussy


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