It's Scary Being Brave
- Carla Crivaro
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
Last week I did a brave thing.
But before I did it, I had the normal thoughts of ‘self-preservation’ and self-doubt, worry and second-guessing.
Let me start at the beginning…
I went to a completely new business networking organisation this week. An HR company was doing a presentation and amongst many other pieces of information and support they offered they said that since the new sexual harassment laws had come into place in 2024 (in the UK) they now help businesses navigate that.
And that’s when it happened. A man commented “Do you teach us how to sexually harass?”
There were some laughs.
And there were also some uncomfortable shifts in chairs - mainly from women.
As the talk continued I had two different parts having conversations in my head.
One part who said “You need to speak up, this is your opportunity to practice what you are currently preaching from your most recent article ‘If women Led The World: Lessons from Bonobos’” Which you can read here, which to summarise is a call to women to let go of the ‘good girl conditioning’.
“That was inappropriate. They need to know. People don’t learn if they don’t get told. These things will continue if they aren’t interrupted.”
There was another part…
“If you say something then you might not be invited back. What if you fuck it up? You work with men and they might be ‘put off’ if you are too direct and ballsy. You will make people feel uncomfortable and it might ruin your ‘fun woman’ image. You will be seen as that difficult woman. People will roll their eyes at ‘another feminist’ ruining the fun. You’ll look uptight."
The second part was my keep everyone-else-comfortable part. The part that doesn’t want me to stand out. The part of me that doesn’t want to take the risk for fear of group ostracism. This was my good-girl, people-pleaser, conform for other people’s comfort.
And I know that the women reading this will identify. AND!! I know this is also why MEN don’t speak out.
We want to be accepted. We want to feel like we belong. We want people to like us and enjoy our company.
And we want as much as is possible, an easy, confrontation free life.
I also knew that if everything I feared from the fearful part happened, this was useful information.
I DON’T WANT to network in organisations that don’t respect ALL their members. Community is built on empathy and understanding, mutual respect and support and I want to be in those environments.
I DON’T WANT to coach women OR men who aren’t brave, willing to get uncomfortable and not willing to learn and be accountable. I’m here for the brave, for those who feel the fear and take action - those are my sort of people.
I DON’T WANT to be the person that sits back and wishes they could be braver. I WANT to be brave.
If those things I feared happen, it would be a clear sign that these weren't my people. And that's OK - I wrote about not being for everyone here.
And so, at the end of the talk once we were invited to ask questions, I called out the comment.
I said it was inappropriate. That every woman here would have experienced some form of sexual harassment. That we need people to call it out. And we need men especially to do so.
An uncomfortable silence. I panicked.
The conversation was moved on.
But then… at the end of the networking event, two women came over to organise an in-person coffee meet to know me and my work better. A couple of women shared that they felt very uncomfortable around the man who had made the comment and felt they could share that with me.
I talked about what happened on my socials (not naming the organisation) and one of their members suggested I do a talk on it. The networking group emailed me to thank me. And a couple of other men including the HR guy thanked me for calling it out.
My bravery had actually turned into a success.
Yes, there would be people in the room thinking all the things that my protective part was thinking. And…
My courage had actually INSPIRED something else in others.
That they recognised something in me that is in themselves that they haven’t learnt to access… YET!
I was also reminded of a thing I say when I have my kids and I send them off to school… ‘Do something today that makes you feel uncomfortable’. Because…
Growth happens in the discomfort. In breaking the patterns.
And then this week, it was as though the universe was testing me, because another inappropriate comment made its way into my vicinity. This time in my DMs on LinkedIn.
Now, it’s not the first time I have had inappropriate comments come into my DMs. When I first started doing this work and being more public I would ignore them.
Then I started blocking them.
Then I learnt how to energetically dominate so then I put the focus back on them and replied with ‘Do you think that message is appropriate?’ At which point they would block me.
Then I was on a podcast recently, this one here, and I shared about these unwanted comments that I get. We discussed that it happens to most women, even ones who aren’t in the sexual wellness space but are working leaders and corporate professionals.
The other guests encouraged me to call it out publicly. I said I wouldn’t. The reason at the time I gave for not doing that was because I didn’t want men to think I was an unsafe space.
I work with men and know it can be very difficult for them to ask for support. I wanted to ensure that they felt they could come to me without judgement.
I have wanted the men to feel that I was a nurturing and caring presence for them.
Since then something in me has shifted. I am still that nurturing caring coach with patience and recent global events have woken something inside me.
I felt more urgency since the Epstein files. I also have more clarity around how we can prevent these atrocities happening at a local level as well as global. That is for women to become more empowered, sexually liberated and to form coalitions. I explain that in more detail here.
So, when the comment landed in my LinkedIn inbox, I knew that I had to start doing things differently. As my ex-husband said after the fact, ‘As long as there is no social consequence, they will keep doing it.’
This sentiment was echoed on LinkedIn by Dorothy Dalton from 3 Plus International. Not just that but in fact, if this type of behaviour goes unchecked it gradually gets worse because the perpetrator thinks it’s ‘OK’. Here’s their graphic explaining it:
So I created a social consequence and decided to reduce the risk of his behaviours escalating to cause more serious harm to others. I screenshot the message, see below. Shared it on my LinkedIn feed, tagged him, forwarded it to his employer and the CEO of the company he works for.
Because, if a man feels confident in sending messages like these on the internet to women he doesn’t know and he thinks he can get away with it, what else is he doing that he thinks he can get away with?
If no one ever speaks out or calls it out he will continue to do this. And, it will get worse until at some point there is someone the victim of rape or similar.
And to return to my previous fears of frightening off men who might want to work with me but be put off, I reflected some more on this.
I only want to work with men who respect and ‘get it’ or want to get it when it comes to women’s safety online and in the workplace. Yes, we can make mistakes but someone willing to learn will not be put off by this.
As a coach I have a direct and no bullshit approach, which is why my male colleagues come to ME for advice and support - if anything this move is going to garner more respect.
I have had a lot of supportive comments from men across all my social media platforms around this incident - good men are not intimidated by this because they wouldn’t behave in that way anyway. Instagram comments and LinkedIn comments.
Since the outing on LinkedIn and at the time of writing the post has had over 29,000 impressions and I’ve had 64 requests for connections, most of which are men. This is a positive, they are inspired and want to learn more.
So in actual fact, this move has been a positive. And! It’s inspired women in my community to go out and be braver which are some of the comments I got from women on my socials.
Again, I want to remind you, I wasn’t always this brave. I didn’t use to take these sorts of ‘risks’. I tried not to be the ‘difficult one’. I tried to find ways to shirnk myself and fit in. But you know, this new version of me is feeling good. I notice myself walking taller, taking up more space, not always shrinking back in the gym staying out of men’s way, I have as much right to be there as they do, I have become braver at encouraging other women and seeing their potential to be brave.
Life is feeling good. Some final thoughts I want to leave you with…
Resilience is built by not avoiding discomfort but learning to be with it.
Your tribe are drawn to you when you model your values, not just when you speak them.
Be bolder.
Let your actions reflect your words.
Get uncomfortable.
Now over to you…
Let me know a brave thing you have done recently. Why was it brave for YOU? Where had the doubts been?
Would you consider yourself brave?
Where could you be braver?
I would love to hear more about where you’re holding back and where you would love to be!
Happy hump day!
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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