Expectations around ejaculation and sex drive in men. Many women have certain perceptions influenced by social conditioning about what men should and shouldn't be doing, feeling and experiencing. I was in a group recently and a woman asked the question below. Read on for my response.
"I have been seeing my partner for nearly a year now and I am wondering if I should be concerned. He didn't ejaculate last night. When he has been drinking he hasn't ejaculated but last night he wasn't drinking. I feel like I have done something wrong. He is 27 years old and I think he has a low sex drive. We have spoken about this as well as talking about him not really wanting to touch me. This makes me feel not so good about myself."
My reply was...
I feel that there are a variety of points to this. I’d like to start first off speaking about your partner.
We are conditioned in society to believe that men always want it and are ready for action at anytime day or night. This isn’t true. Their libido fluctuates like ours depending on the day, month and season, literally.
What these expectations can do for men is put unnecessary pressure on them to always perform and be ready for action and this can affect their confidence and how they relate to their own sense of masculinity.
A man’s physical and mental health can affect their libido like it can for us. There’s a delicate play between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system when it comes to arousal and ejaculation, so if he’s under chronic stress then this could influence his vagal tone and therefore ability to go from the 2 states of the nervous system.
His ability to be in his body and connect to sensations can affect his access to pleasure but also to orgasm too as there needs to be a certain amount of surrender and letting go. If he senses there is some disappointment somewhere, this can influence his ability to ‘let go’.
It may be a sign of some other health issue, and if he feels that there may be something else going on it may be an idea to get his health checked. Issues which can affect a man's sexual function can be hugely varied such as cardiovascular, lymphatic, neurological, hormonal, pelvic, etc.
I think open communication about how he is experiencing sex, with no finger pointing of what you think he should be doing might be supportive.
We grow up in our childhood with particular stories we create about ourselves and unconsciously look for situations which validate them such as low self-esteem, not being good enough, not being attractive enough, our bodies not being the right shape, etc
What you are feeling is valid and I witness you in that.
The invitation here is to understand what are you making your partner’s situation mean about you? What programming from your childhood is running the story? Do you know you can change your story at any time? You can choose to respond differently to this situation and this can feel so empowering to start exploring this. As it will affect not just your sex life but will creep into other areas of your life too.
With regarding not feeling loved due to not being touched, I am wondering if you have looked at your Love Languages? He may be showing you love but in a language that isn’t ‘yours’. It seems from your reply that your love language is physical touch.
The others are:
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Much love to you
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Other articles which are supportive around this topic are: