Low Libido in Perimenopause - A Myth?

I often get menopause coaches and nurses that when they meet me say ‘Oh, I have clients who would really gain support from you for their libido’. The thing is, low libido is considered lower during perimenopause but this isn’t always the case - I have women in my community whose libido has gone through the roof. In fact, until research is done more specifically on the environmental factors around this, I would like to say that it isn’t menopause that does this, it’s something else entirely.

Perimenopause is a reflection of where in your life you have been holding onto too much - where you put everyone else first, hold all the emotional labour in the relationship, look after your children and parents, where you work the job and career and then are still managing it all at home. We were not designed to live this way. All the burden is on women. In traditional roles women only had the housework to do. Now they have the house work and careers with no support from anyone else. And with 69% of divorces being initiated by women many have had enough. All of that holding you could do in your 20s and 30s, but now? You just don’t have the capacity for it so you need to live differently. (In fact, I would say we were taking too much on anyway but we only feel the impact from the accumulation of years of self-abandonment).

What I see in my community and the women I work with that when women slow all the way down and really start looking after themselves and make space to really ‘be’, to connect to pleasure, not just sexually but in the clothes they wear, in the food they eat, how they love and cherish themselves, they cannot help but get turned on. Are there maybe some women who do all of this and still have low libido - I imagine so, but I would absolutely bet that the environment itself has a greater impact than what we are actually wanting to admit.

Also how fulfilled and seen we are in our relationship is super important. Do we feel safe to express ourselves? If there’s a problem can we talk about it openly or does our partner speak over us, shut us down and try and fix us leaving us feeling unseen?

Not having the freedom and space to speak and share what is troubling us in life and in the relationship can close a woman down. It can make her anxious, stressed, feel unseen and along with that her libido takes a walk too. We can’t be open and be receptive to touch physically when the person touching us does not demonstrate a desire to know us emotionally too.

This inability to express ourselves outside the bedroom impacts our ability to communicate in the bedroom. If we can’t ask for support with the housework, asking for more foreplay in sex is going to be even more difficult, so if we can’t ask for what we want or need, then we aren’t getting it. And if we aren’t getting what we need for sex to be pleasurable we stop wanting it. Did you know women can get bored of sex in a long-term relationship? So it’s not that women don’t want sex, the sex needs to be good for them to want it. It needs to be quality sex and varied. Studies have actually shown that when women have orgasms they want more. So if you aren’t asking your partner to go a little bit more to the left and to slow down, then you don’t get the orgasm or the pleasure, then guess what? It’s not going to inspire you next time he reaches over for a boob squeeze.

For some women their bodies changing, especially after having children can impact how they feel about getting naked and wild in the bedroom. If you are focused on your vulva and what it looks like after pushing two kids out, when your fella has his head down there it’s going to make it more difficult to relax and enjoy it. And if you are on top and worried about your tummy shelf flopping around as you bounce away, it’s not going to be the most inspiring thought that brings you to climax.

So taking time out to love the new versions of our bodies is super important. You need to love your body for you - without it being about getting a man’s approval. However, if you did want a man’s approval, do you know what was the most searched for term in porn last year in the UK and one of the top searches globally? MILF. Yes. That’s it - Mother I’d Like To Fuck. But not just any MILF. They are actually looking for women who look mature. And, there has been a steady increase of younger men and older women dating - so ladies, this is most definitely your sexy era. You are the most desirable right now from your 40s to 60s that you have ever been!

And you know a reason that you do need to focus on your pleasure? Because when you do it will reduce your menopause symptoms. Some statistics for you from the Kinsey Institute from a study they did in 2025, when women self-pleasured for only 4 weeks they found that:

92.9 % of participants reported experiencing at least one menopausal symptom less frequently

The women who achieved orgasm showed the larges symptom reductions

Participants experienced a 20% drop in feeling more tired than usual

28.6% experienced a drop in night sweats

1/3 reported a drop in having difficulty concentrating

33% reported improved mood.

Imagine how they were feeling after 8 weeks! Six months! A year!

So your pleasure is important. Your orgasms matter. You deserve to have fun.

You know the women in my community who have learnt to prioritise themselves are as horny as hell. They hit perimenopause and their libido shot up. They want it all. They want more. They want the sex room. They want the threesome. They are charged up and ready to go.

So what do I want you to take away from this?

Slow down, take time out to sip that coffee, feel your feet in the grass, wear the dress, move your body and take a couple of hours out of your day to self-pleasure - your menopause symptoms will thank you for it. Ask yourself constantly - where can I find the pleasure in this? Schedule it in. Make time for it.

And if you need a self-pleasure practice that focuses on self-love, do my Pleasure Portal course which includes a slow self-pleasure practice, because like that famous shampoo ad said - you’re worth it.

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.