To the women:
Hi! I’m a trauma-informed Sex, Love & Relationship Coach. I frequently get requests from men who would like to connect better with their partners and not sure how to go about it. So I decided to write a letter to you, from him, with all the feelings he is likely experiencing (based on what a lot of men and male clients share with me). These are the things they want to say but not quite sure how to say them. This is a letter to you, reaching out asking for reconnection. I hope you see his longing to for you to come back to each other. I hope you can acknowledge the courage and strength it took to reach out. To make the first move. To make the first step. That you can see the value for yourself, for him and for your relationship in taking the next steps. Together.
To the men:
For the men wanting to send this but feeling uncomfortable, feeling as though this is offering a lot of themselves - can you lean into that discomfort? Can you acknowledge that it is through discomfort that we grow? That to re-connect to your partner, something inside of you needs to shift. So that you take the next step in your journey together…
To My Beloved Partner,
I remember when we first got together some of the amazing memories we shared. The connection we had. The intimacy we experienced.
I may not have always shared those emotions with you, but they were there, and they still are.
I find that as time has passed that we have slowly began drifting apart.
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you, or with me, but I feel the drifting away. I feel the loss of connection. The loss of intimacy. You see, as a man, I grew up being told that it wasn’t safe to ask for what I wanted. I wasn’t safe to express my emotions. That doing so would make me ‘less of a man’. The cultural conditioning I received was to be stoic, to ‘fake it’. So for me to reach out and share how I feel is frightening to me. As I have never learnt how. But I would like to.
I want you to know that the thing is, we aren’t so different you and I.
Our inner-children are both desperate to be able to hold each other in each other’s arms but we have in some way lost how to do that.
We’ve lost how to come back to each other and I would really like to try.
I don’t know how to start the conversation as I fear rejection and defensiveness. And I know that reaction is in response to the pain you feel too. That you also want the connection, but don’t know how to reach out.
We have somehow got ourselves in a place of finger-pointing. Blaming. Not listening. Needing to get our points across without taking the time to come back to each other.
I know that my requests for intimacy have you recoiling. I understand that there are elements in our relationship where you feel resentful. I know there are elements where you feel lost in your own identity and may not know anymore who you are.
I would like us to be guided back to ‘us’. That you can be guided home to yourself and I can be guided back to myself.
I believe in us and this letter is a means of me reaching out.
I miss 'us'.
I miss how I used to feel in your company, and I'm sure you feel it too.
I miss how you look at me.
I miss the smile and glances.
The shared moments.
I want to reconnect.
I would like to be able to hold you and touch you again without you fearing that it will lead to somewhere sexual.
You see, because it wasn’t culturally acceptable for me to share physical intimacy with anyone other than my mother as a child and as an adult with a partner, I really notice the lack of touch. The hugs. The warmth. Sexual intimacy was the only ‘acceptable’ way as a man I could connect to you physically, so now I don’t have that, I notice I don’t have any physical touch in my life. And I miss it. I miss you.
I would like to try for it to be different. That we come home first to touch with no pressure for sex.
That we can be in each other’s presence with ease and comfort. That we can relax into the space with each other.
That we can create a safe container where we can both be seen. So I can hold the wounded parts of you and where you can see and hold the wounded parts of me. So that we may drop deeper into love, into connection, into intimacy.
I’m ready to begin taking responsibility in our relationship. To see where my behaviour has in the past and in the present not been as supportive. I would like to also share the parts of me which haven’t felt seen and valued.
I believe what we have is so special and I am ready to begin healing the parts of our relationship which are in shadow. I am ready to take the next step on our journey together.
So I ask you my dear partner, will you come with me on this journey?
Can we take the time to rediscover ourselves as individuals?
Rediscover who we are now in partnership?
I love you.
And I’m ready for the next phase of our evolution.
Your Darling Partner
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Learn more about working with me as a couple around Connection & Intimacy here
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